I apologize, but this is a long one, kids! Throwaway because he Reddits.
Background and the issues: We had been together for 3 years. Everything was mostly good. The end of our relationship went with a bang. The last 3 weeks were awful. He thought I was cheating on him because I stayed out late one night when I was supposed to meet him, and I know I screwed up by being out late but I never cheated. I came home, apologized, explained my phone had died, and he still accused me of cheating. I let him go through my phone and I tried to have conversations about it, but nothing was working. We were drinking too much and we couldn't seem to stop it together, but he didn't want to admit we were alcoholics (and we had tried before in the past-it lasted 2 weeks). When we were fighting about trust issues, we couldn't seem to communicate. We couldn't get on the same page, there were no rational conversations. Just yelling, punching walls or refrigerators. He felt he couldn't trust me and I felt he was overbearing. This is obviously a very condensed version of things, but suffice to say that for 3 weeks it was our own personal hell.
The break-up: Why would I throw away 3 years over 3 weeks, you ask? I felt that these issues were fundamental and destructive. We both need help obviously, and I felt like we wouldn't be able to fix our relationship if we couldn't fix ourselves or communicate. Then the lease agreement came. We could either sign a year or go month to month. I brought up that I didn't think it was a good idea to sign a year because I honestly felt that things would get worse before they got better (if they got better), and he refused to go month to month saying that it was just dragging things out. It was not a good or amiable break-up. I tried to stay as civil as possible because I knew that I was breaking his heart. He, on the other hand, called me every awful name in the book, told me what a worthless piece of shit I was, how he can do so much better, explicitly described how he was going to have sex with other women, etc. It was the worst night/morning of my life so far. While I can forgive these things, I cannot easily forget them. I haven't actually spoken to him since. I haven't been back to the house to move out either. I am couch-surfing because I have nowhere to go and it sucks. He got a home loan though a few days before The Break-Up without me, saying how he knew this was going to happen so he was going to be prepared. Ouch.
Post Break-up: Here is where I am having problems. Break-ups are never easy, but there is so much support for the ones who are broken up with that the ones who initiate the break-up are viewed as the enemy. But I am torn up too. Every day, I want to call him or see him, and I want to go back to him. I want to believe that I am doing the best thing for both of us, but it's ridiculously difficult. It is literally an emotional roller-coaster. One hour I want to give up and beg me to take me back, but the next hour I feel okay and I want to plan a vacation (he was not big on traveling whereas I am dying to do so). I am scared to see him again. I don't want to hear what a piece of shit I am, but part of me believes it. If he asks to get back together, I am not sure that I can withstand. We had a lot of fun, but I can't imagine what it would take to get past all of this. Tomorrow will have been 1 week, and I will have to see him to move out once I find a place to live.
What do I do? Have I made the biggest mistake of my life? I can't imagine what my future is going to look like now at this point, but I am taking it one day at a time. Mostly because that's all I am capable of right now. I can't eat and I can't focus on anything. I feel so lost.
tl;dr: Broke up with my bf of 3 years and I am having trouble handling it.
Submitted April 06, 2016 at 09:43PM by Doingthebreaking http://ift.tt/1Sc8taS relationships
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