This is my first post in RBN, btw. I'm using throwaway account to protect my identity and for obvious reasons.
My typed unsent letter has been sitting in a file because I'm still not ready to send this to ngrandma for many reasons. First, I decided to go NC with ngrandma last fall after visiting her and dying ngrandpa (regardless of the 38-hour total of travel, it was a horrible visit) and she sent several emails earlier this year upsetting me. It's just a bait for me to reply, but I've been having mixed feelings and don't know what to feel anymore. Second, my parents are getting a divorce but my ndad has been trying to get my mom back through manipulation and emotional blackmail. My mom told me that he's very serious about killing himself and she's considering taking him back so I really don't know. Third, ngrandma just lost her husband and got in a second bad car accident recently. Fourth, my mom told me not to send this to ngrandma just yet. I just feel the need for my letter to be read. For years, I never told my story. There is a lot more than just this letter, but that's for another time.
Short background: My dad is a narcissist and mom is an enabler. My dad broke my mom's back a few years ago (explained below) but he refuses to acknowledge that, as does his mother (ngrandma). One side of my mom's family is full of narcissists and my dad's extremely religious parents are also narcissists. My mom is deaf so are her father and sister. I'm also deaf. Sorry if there are any grammatical errors, English isn't my native language. Just a warning - this post is really long, so thanks in advance for taking your time to read.
Trigger warning: sexual, emotional, and physical abuse. Patriarchy dominated environment.
One of ngrandma's emails (sent just a few days before my ngrandpa's passing):
Hi Honey -
Just wondering how you're doing. Dad said you're working now - would love to hear about your job - hope you like it. I need to know if you got your Christmas card and gift. Your birthday is soon and I want to be sure you get it.
I know Dad told you about Grandfather. It won't be long.
I talked to your Dad about you and your Mom blaming him for her back problems. He had nothing to do with that. Your Mom had complained about her back for a long time,saying her chair at work was uncomfortable. She may have stepped wrong, fallen on ice, anything like that. You can even hurt your back by twisting the wrong way, even a cough or sneeze can rupture a disc. Yes, he got a sleep number mattress, but that is the mattress most doctors recommend for bad Backs. I know that she kept it very soft and wasn't getting the support her back needed. We tried to get her to go to the neurosurgeon in (city) who did such a great job on our backs, but she chose Two lousy docs in (other city) instead. That is not your Dad's fault. It isn't fair to blame him.
We've had some days this week in the high 70's. It'felt good!
Love you, Honey
Letter to ngrandma:
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m glad I had a chance to say good bye when I visited.
I’m surprised you emailed me about mom’s back right before Grandpa passed. You knew this would upset me very much and then it’d sadden me to hear about his passing. That’s too much in one day. I don’t appreciate it and I didn’t appreciate how you talked about mom when I was visiting you and in your email.
You refuse to acknowledge about what happened to mom and how it changed mom’s and my life just because of what dad tells you. He’s not telling the truth and that also upset me. I texted him asking why he lied after I read your email. Do you honestly think I would do that if it wasn’t his fault? He broke mom’s back for his own pleasure and he continued to do it the moment after mom’s back broke. He might have heard her back crack and didn’t stop having hard sex. After that, he didn’t help mom to get up from the hard floor in garage after she fell down and he told her to go and make dinner. It took her a while to get up and walk back to the house. She couldn’t walk at all that week and never has been walking right ever since. She continued to work and suffered in silence for SIX MONTHS. After 6 months, she went to her chiropractor and he was the one who told her that her back was very bad and it was an emergency. When the chiropractor called dad about this, he looked at mom as he was guilty. You assumed mom picked two lousy doctors. Her chiropractor was the one who suggested her those doctors and, of course, mom didn’t know that they’d do an awful job. There was another preventable incident when dad was doing it again to her a night before her surgery and that may have altered something in her back without the doctor’s knowledge. The doctors had no idea how mom’s back happened because dad wouldn’t let her tell them!! Unbelievable. I don’t understand why dad wasn’t there for her first surgery and breast surgery. You also assumed that mom prefers the bed to be soft. She had tried everything from changing the setting on bed to sleeping on the couch for several years. She slept on the couch more often because the bed hurt her back no matter what the setting was. She still has a difficult time sleeping and often doesn’t sleep for 6-8 hours every night due to her back acting up.
I took care of mom since I was 15 and I was the one who did everything. Cooking, driving, doing laundry, shopping, taking care of mom, mowing the lawn, cleaning, doing dishes, etc because mom can’t overdo, otherwise she’d be in so much pain and take more pills than recommended dose. Dad told you that she wasn’t working and, for no reasons, you see her as lazy, loving the way her back is, and inferior. What upset me the most is that dad didn’t help with everything including when she had breast cancer, refuses to admit what he did, and you blaming mom for everything!! I was the one who drove mom to her radiation appointment every single day for 2-3 months and dad only did that once. Mom wouldn’t have survived this without me because she had my support and I was always there for her because I love her very much. She’s a good, honest, hard working, responsible person and she cannot work anymore because dad made her 100% disabled. She cannot make money because of that! So, I’ve been helping her with money for the food she can’t afford every month. My job pulled me out of poverty after several years and I’m glad I’m able to support myself now and help others in need. I cannot comprehend why you refuse to believe the truth and still blame her and think very low of her. I don’t understand why you think we’re liars either. Remember when you said there are a lot of hypocrites in the world? I knew who you were talking about, mom isn’t a hypocrite at all. Also, remember when you mentioned about your friend who had botched surgeries? Everybody knows that no condition is the same so you cannot compare the conditions between mom and your friend. Again, it wasn’t mom’s fault that she had lousy doctors. If she decides to have third surgery, she’d make sure to have the best doctor this time. She’d need to have blood transfusion because she lost a lot of blood during both surgeries. She had recurring nightmares of losing a lot of blood for months after both surgeries. I feel so awful that she has been going through all of this without dad’s support and compassion.
One day when Gramma (mom's mom) was dying in hospice, dad took mom to her appointment in (city) and mom asked dad to take her to Gramma’s house and he said no. How could you say no to your spouse about them seeing their dying parent???
Remember when I had a near death experience in (year)? I was shocked to hear about you blaming mom for having me undergo the surgery and the emergency I had. How was this her fault? Yes, Gramma told mom that she overheard your conversation with dad. Unbelievable. It seems like mom had always been blamed for years. She had been very underappreciated for everything she had done for dad.
I don’t know what you expect from mom because she did everything for dad and me. She took care of us and had us under her health insurance when she was working. While I was growing up, I wished dad knew signs so we would be able to communicate efficiently and our relationship could have been much better. I told him that I really want to have a relationship and stay in touch so I’d know that he’s okay. That is all up to him, I guess. Dad would be able to see how smart I am because I always felt underestimated. At 16, I didn’t need you to check on me to see if my shoes were tied, if I was looking out for cars, if I wasn’t touching the dirty bathroom door with my clean hands at McDonald’s, tell me to read the cooking instructions on chocolate pie box (by the way, I added one more cup of milk after Aunt and you left the kitchen and the pie turned out perfect), tell me to be careful with the shelf’s glass window which was there for years in the dining room, or tell me that I’m a “low function”. I really don’t need to keep proving myself that I’m not stupid.
After the last chapter of life in (city) finally ended, I was very excited to leave that city for good. After horrible years at (high school) and (college), with the degree and several dean’s list awards, I was ready to start a new life. It’s ridiculous that dad didn’t come to my graduation and stayed home instead. He even didn’t help me move my furniture out of my apartment. You didn’t come either and went to (my golden cousin) graduation. Can you imagine how this hurt me? Did you know that I’m the first deaf in the family to have a college degree? That’s a big accomplishment I made and it made mom very proud. I even put the letter from (college) president congratulating me for being on dean’s list and having a high GPA on the refrigerator and dad didn’t say anything. I don’t know if dad was proud because I’ve never heard him saying congratulations but asked for $500 (it was $600 but he gave me $100 as a graduation gift) for my car insurance a few days after graduation. He has no idea how I lived because he refused to talk to me. So yes, he disowned me. Because I lost $500 more out of my very small savings, I had a hard time and suffered for months before I finally got a job.
Hope you had a good time going out to a fancy Japanese restaurant with (my golden cousin) and the family after Grandpa’s funeral, for which no one had informed me of the date, and showing them many places. I have always felt that you haven’t treated me fair.
What you believe won’t change the fact that dad did break her back and put us through hell. What he did is unforgivable and I have to see mom suffer every day for the rest of her life. I really hope her back can be fixed by a right doctor without any problems some day. Just like what dad would do for you, I will always take care of her no matter what. Mom told me once that she wished dad took care of her like the way Grandpa took care of you when you had surgeries. There is no reason at all to assume the worst about mom and to blame her.
---End---
Thank you for any help and advice. I'll be posting more about my stories in the future. Edit: formatting
Submitted April 25, 2016 at 01:30AM by thr0waway23451 http://ift.tt/1VSvuXd raisedbynarcissists
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