Javier: This following tag team contest is scheduled for one fall, with a 30-minute time limit! Your referee WiR Senior Official, Tai Ni Wong!
The familiar bass line of Seven Nation Army by The White Stripes hits, as the wifebeater and gym shorts-adorned pair of the Warlords walk into the backyard.
Crowd: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Javier: Introducing first, at a combined weight of 554 pounds, they are the WiR Tag Team Champions! "Powerful" Stephen Romero and "Flippy" Robert Warlock, "The Badasses", the Warlords!
The Warlords walk down to the improvised ring, bumping fists and interacting with their adoring fans. They step onto the improvised ring, doing their respective poses, Romero with the Orton pose and Warlock with the "W" hand signal.
Paisner: In what's sure to be a hell of a fight, the Warlords were challenged by Los Chongas to a match!
Woodbridge: However, instead of Senior, Chonga Junior's partner is instead one of the newest breakout stars of WiR, Mil Léones Jr.!
The strings of Maldita Vecindad's Pachuco play to a loud cheer as Jimmy Chonga Jr. comes out dressed in the wifebeater-gym short combo.
Crowd: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! CHONGAS! CHONGAS!
Javier: And introducing their opponents, first, from Piedras Negras, Mexico, the Mexico Menace, Jimmy Chonga Jr.!
Chonga stares down the Warlords, as a Mariachi Man holding a radio comes out. The mariachi man presses the play button as Realeza blares out. Mil Léones Jr. runs into the yard, slapping his chest and posing to the cheers of the crowd.
Javier: And his partner! From Monterrey, Mexico, he is the Lucha Boy, Mil Léones Jr.!
Crowd: YAYYYYYYYYYYYY!
The Junior Duo come running down to the improvised ring. As they step into the ring, the Warlords start throwing punches at the two, as they throw punches back.
DING! DING! DING!
Woodbridge: This brawl is already off to a chaotic start as the two teams are exchanging punches!
As the two brawl, Chonga hits a lethal spinning heel kick to Warlock, knocking the Rising Phoenix down. Junior and Léones start double teaming Romero, hitting him with multiple kicks and chops. They are able to corner him to a fence.
Woodbridge: It looks like the team of Junior and Léones have the advantage! They are able to stall Romero, and attack him!
Paisner: Playing that smart strategy of taking out Warlock and focusing on the powerful Romero, trying to wear the big man down!
The Juniors back up for a running double dropkick, but they are cut down when Romero hits them both with a double clothesline!
Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Paisner: A great double clothesline, taking down both of the Juniors!
Woodbridge: Romero now has some time to recoup and possibly turn back the tides!
Romero walks over to Warlock and helps him up. They both walk over to Léones, lying face down in pain. Romero grabs him by the legs and lifts him up, as Warlock backs up behind him and they both hit a wheelbarrow/bulldog combo.
Crowd: OOOOO!
Woodbridge: That was a great bulldog by Warlock, might've concussed Léones, even more than that clothesline!
Romero beats his chest as Warlock starts hitting the grounded Chonga with strikes. Romero goes to Warlock and "tags" himself in.
Woodbridge: I think Romero wants a part of the fun!
Romero grabs Junior and buckles in his legs. He drags Junior next to the fence.
Paisner: Wait, is he going t-
Romero swings Junior into the fence, mangling the frame of the Chonga, causing him to writhe around in pain.
Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Woodbridge: AHHHH! DIOS MIOOOO!
Paisner: Chonga has just been brutalized with that Child's Play into Nana's fence!
Romero violently headbangs and pounds his chest to the roars of the crowd, as Warlock starts beating on Léones with hardhitting strikes. Warlock picks up Léones, but Mil wards Warlock off with a elbow to the gut. Mil follows with a swinging neckbreaker. Léones then starts charging towards Romero from behind but Romero counters with a beautiful dropkick!
Crowd: OOOOOO! WARLORDS! WARLORDS! WARLORDS!
Paisner: Romero showing some spidey-sense, countering a sneak attack from Mil Léones!
Romero then goes to the still-writhing Jimmy Chonga Junior, and forces him up. Junior, however, shows some life and counters with a roundhouse, knocking Romero down.
Crowd: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY! JUNIOR! JUNIOR! JUNIOR!
Paisner: Junior showing some perseverance!
Junior starts goading Romero into getting up, both clearly pained and stunned. Junior starts hitting some light kicks to Romero to isolate him from Warlock. Meanwhile, Mil starts showing to cover the still-grounded Warlock. Wong goes down for the count!
1
2
NO!
Warlock kicks out, as Mil tries to stand back up, staggering. Meanwhile, Junior is delivering kicks and punches to the stunned Romero. Junior delivers a kick to the side of Romero, but Romero grabs Junior's leg!
Paisner: Romero grabs the leg of Junior!
Romero pulls Junior in and delivers a quick belly-to-belly suplex.
Crowd: OOOO! COMEBACK RUINED! clap clap clap clap clap COMEBACK RUINED! clap clap clap clap clap
Woodbridge: Comeback ruined indeed! Cutting off all offense, and possibly taking out Junior for good!
Romero gets up and staggers until he notices Mil on top of the fence! He dives off and performs a stunning 720 DDT off the fence!
Woodbridge: OH MY GOD! STUNNING ATHLETICISM!
Crowd: THIS IS AWESOME! clapclapclapclapclap THIS IS AWESOME! clapclapclapclapclap
Paisner: DAMN STRAIGHT!
Mil yells to the roaring crowd, only to be hit with a superkick, bringing Léones to his knees!
Paisner: SUPERKICK! SUPERKICK! SUPERKICK!
Warlock staggers for a bit and then hits Léones with the Warlock's Curse!
Crowd: OOOOOOOO! WARLOCK! WARLOCK! WARLOCK!
Paisner: A Warlock's Curse for the win!
Warlock goes for the cover!
1
2
3?
NO!
Chonga breaks up the count! He attacks Warlock with chops, but Romero decks him with his elbow from behind! Romero pulls Junior up by the hair, but Junior kicks Romero in the gut, and distances himself. Junior runs to Romero and dives in for a hurricanrana! However, Romero holds on and holds Junior up. Junior hits Romero in the head with panicked punches! Romero staggers around and walks onto the pool cover.
Paisner: WAIT, NO! NOT NANA'S POOL!
Romero drops Chonga with an elevated powerbomb through the pool!
Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HOLY SHIT! HE'S GONNA DROWN! HOLY SHIT! HE'S GONNA DROWN!
Paisner: Oh...my...god.
Woodbridge: ROMERO JUST KILLED CHONGA AGAIN!
As Romero staggers to get up, Mil staggers up and attacks Romero from behind!
Paisner: GET THAT BASTARD, MIL!
Woodbridge: Dude, chill, it was an accident!
Paisner: I DON'T CARE! GET HIM!
Mil starts striking with multiple kicks to Romero, cornering him to a porch. However, Warlock attacks from behind with a dropkick to the luchadore!
Crowd: OOOOOO!
Woodbridge: Warlock with that impressive dropkick!
Warlock grabs a glass vase from an outdoor table. He brings it to Mil, but Mil delivers a stunning kick to Warlock and the vase! The vase smashes into Warlock's face as Warlock is knocked out!
Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! KO! KO! KO! KO!
Paisner: DAMMIT, NOT THE VASE!
Mil stands up, struggling to take another breath. However, he doesn't notice an angry Romero staring at him. Romero smirks.
Woodbridge: Oh, shit, Romero is looking at him, he is fuming, he wants to take out Mil!
Romero gets in the three-point stance.
Paisner: Oh...shi-
Romero yells and charges at Mil and spears him through Nana Paisner's wall!
Crowd: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Woodbridge: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! MIL HAS MET A GRUESOME MUERTE! PAISNER! DID YOU JUST SEE THAT? Paisner?!
Paisner: ...Oh.
Woodbridge: Oh, shit, Paisner, I'm sorry...
Paisner: ...Please help me, God.
Romero staggers up and yells to the awed crowd. Romero walks back to Mil and pulls him out of the wreckage. He helps up the bleeding Warlock, and tells him the gameplan. Warlock walks off as Romero stomps on Mil's head and lifts him up. He drags him out to the yard and starts throwing him into a bunch of lawn chairs. Romero, running on pure adrenaline, starts tossing lawn chairs everywhere in a furious rage. Warlock comes out with a table and sets it up. Romero lifts Léones and tucks his head between his legs.
Woodbridge: Looks like they are going for the Warlord's Revenge, they are going to end it right here!
Warlock does the "W" hand signal, but notices Junior diving off the fence! Junior hits Warlock with the La Bamba!
Woodbridge: JIMMY CHONGA JR. IS HERE! OUTTA FUCKING NOWHERE WITH THE LA BAMBA!
Crowd: YAYYYYYYYYYYYY! CHONGA! CHONGA! CHONGA!
Romero shoves Mil out of the way, and goes to attack Chonga, but is kicked in the gut by Junior! Junior armdrags Romero, who quickly gets up, but is hit with a flying knee! Junior props up the unconscious Romero and shoves him onto the table. Mil is helped up by Junior, and Junior points at the roof.
Crowd: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! THIS IS AWESOME! clapclapclaplclapclap THIS IS AWESOME! clapclapclapclapclap
Junior boosts Léones up onto the roof. Junior climbs onto the table and delivers a elbow drop to Romero. He then signals to Léones to finish the deed.
Woodbridge: Léones! WHAT'S HE GONNA DO?!
Mil yells to the skies, turns around, and raises his arms to the yells of the crowd. Léones delivers a double moonsault off the bungalow onto Romero, crashing through the table!
Crowd: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
Woodbridge: JESUS CHRIST, MIL! THAT WAS AMAZING! A DOUBLE MOONSAULT! A DOUBLE MOONSAULT!
Mil goes for the cover!
1
2
3!!
DING! DING! DING!
Realeza blares through the speaker system as Junior jumps in celebration! Junior helps Léones up, and they hug in victory.
Crowd: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Javier: The time of the fall, 23:18, here are your winners, Jimmy Chonga Junior and Mil Léones Jr.!
As Léones Jr. and Chonga Jr. raise their arms in victory, the crowd roars in ovation.
Woodbridge: A feel good moment as the Juniors take a great victory over the tag champs! Well fought from both men, and they might've ruined Paisner's life.
Paisner: ...I...I can't.
COMMERCIAL
We cut back to Nana Paisner's back garden to see Jack Flash, adormed in a Houston 5:14 shirt and gym shorts, standing in the ring with a megaphone and a replica NYS Intercontinental Championship. He tests the megaphone and gets hit with a ton of feedback, then speaks to the assorted crowd.
Flash: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
Some dickhead in the crowd: What?!
Flash: I SAID... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
Some dickhead in the crowd WHAT?!
Flash: Hey granddad, turn your fucking hearing aid up!
Some dickhead: What?!
Flash waits a second, then frogmarches over to the dickhead in the crowd.
Flash, through megaphone: HEY ASSHOLE, SAY WHAT IF YOU WANT ME TO SHOVE THIS MEGAPHONE UP YOUR FUCKING ASS!
He walks back to the makeshift ring and holds up his belt.
Flash: NOW AS YOU MAY KNOW, I AM THE REIGNING AND DEFENDING TRUE AMERICAN WRESTLING INTERNATIONAL INTERGENDER WRESTLING CHAMPION OF THE WORLD! THIS IS THE CHAMPIONSHIP THAT MATTERS AROUND HERE! NOT THAT STUPID WIR CHAMPIONSHIP, NOT THE NYS CHAMPIONSHIP, NOTHING! TO WEAR THIS BELT IS A TRUE HONOUR!
Crowd: Booooo.
Flash: BUT TONIGHT, I PUT IT ALL ON THE LINE! BACK THERE, THERE IS A LUCKY LADY WHO HAS THE OPPORTUNITY TO WIN THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS BELT IN WRESTLING! SO NOW, INTRODUCING MY CHALLENGER, FROM TACO BELLEVUE HOSPITAL, WEIGHING 476 POUNDS OF PURE AMERICAN GREASE, THE AMERICAN DREAM, WATERMELONDRA!
A larger African American lady, dressed in a slutty nurse outfit, walks out from Nana Paisner's side door eating a Tootsie Roll. She licks the Tootsie Roll suggestively, before handing it to the asshole who was chanting What earlier. Waternelondra takes ahold of him and begins grinding on him, causing the man to pass out from... embarrassment? She steps into the ring, taking off her nurse's top to reveal a Hot Topic boob tube. She's already gassed.
DING DING DING
Flash looks openly revolted at the rippling folds of Watermelondra but resigns himself to having to wrestle her. The two lock up, but Flash spins her round and locks in a sleeper. Watermelondra tries to get free but she's not exactly in shape, and collapses almost immediately. The referee checks on her but she's out.
DING DING DING!
Javier: YOUR WINNER BY KNOCKOUT IN A TIME OF 12 SECONDS, AND STILL TRUE AMERICAN WRESTLING INTERNATIONAL INTERGENDER CHAMPION, JACK FLASH!
Flash gets up and grabs the belt and microphone.
Flash: WOW THAT WAS A HARD MATCH! WATERMELONDRA, YOU PUT UP A GREAT FIGHT! YOU HAD ME ON THE ROPES, BUT I PERSEVERED AND BELIEVED IN MYSELF TO RETAIN MY BELT! YOU KNOW SOMETHING THOUGH? FUCK BACKYARD WRESTLING! SOMEONE COULD GET HURT Y'KNOW!
Flash leaves the ring with his belt, while the ref tries to revive Watermelondra with the Tootsie Roll from earlier to no avail.
Paisner: Wait, what did I miss?
Woodbridge: I dunno man, I went to go get a beer from inside.
Paisner: Well then who was calling the match?!
Woodbridge: I thought you were doing it!
We cut away from the ring and we join Vic, Ro, Sonny and Victoria at the dinner table the couples seated across from one another surrounded by mounds of decadent dishes. The tension in the room is palpable.
Carson: Isn’t this great! Need me to cut your steak for ya, sport?
Carson reaches over to grab Vic’s plate and Sutdd lashes out with his knife and stabs into the table in between Sonny’s fingers.
Carson: Wow! Nice aim their little buddy.
Studd: What are you talking about? I missed.
Carson: Oh..
Victoria: So… Roisin. Victor ever tell you about the time I caught him masturbating in the kitchen using the magnetic strip to our refrigerator door?
Ro: Why would he have t’ tell me? He still does that.
Vic beams with pride and winks at Sonny who just looks plain confused.
Victora: How about the time he dressed up in his mother’s lingerie with a couple water balloons for tits and felt himself up in the closet while listening to “Cheeseburgers in Paradise”?
Studd: MOM!
Ro struggles to stifle her giggle while Vic begins to turn beet red.
Studd: Hey Carson, did you know mother used to place a “Welcome Mat” at the foot of her bed before the 1st of every month?
Carson: Haha! That sounds like her all right! Such a sweetheart, love you shmoopee!
Victoria: Love you too… my Canadian Sledgehammer.
Victoria blows Carson a kiss. He dives forward onto the table and pretends to catch it and slaps it onto his cheek.
Carson: Couldn’t wait for that one!
Ro slams her fists on the table.
Ro: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOIN’ ON HERE!? HUH!?
Victoria: Tame your shrew, Victor.
Carson: It’s okay, I got this. I’ll have you know I graduated at the top of my class in “Conflict Resolution” thanks to Ballsweat!
Ro slams her fist on the table again.
Ro: ENOUGH! Carson, you need t’ wake the fuck up else you’re about to come t’ the realization y’ signed your death warrant the second you dipped your pen into that witch’s ink.
Carson: I… I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Carson pinches his own arm.
Carson: See? I’m awake! Never felt more alive in fact.
Studd: God damn it, Carson. Look at yourself man. The fuck is all this friendly neighborhood douche nozzle shit? You used to be VSK. Me, you, Gwen and Bruce... ugh… fuckin’ Chongas. Remember?
Victoria: Don’t forget your best friend, Erik Von Jarrett.
Studd scowls at his mother, who bailed EVJ out of jail and played an instrumental part in Vic’s ultimate failure.
Studd: Carson, you were loathed. Reviled. You were perfect..
Carson: Aww… thanks Little Guy!
Studd: FUCK OFF!
Carson reaches over to hug Vic but Vic shoves him out of the way and several Ballsweat Security Guards rush towards the table.
Carson: It’s okay boys, simmer. My little guy is working through some pretty heavy emotions right now. Imagine how you’d feel if suddenly your family got a whole lot bigger and you finally had someone to call Papa. Big Daddy works too if you want, tiger.
Vic stands up and leans in close to Sonny. Vic stares into each of Sonny’s eyes trying to find the former Award winning “Heel of the Year” lurking inside.
Studd: You’re pathetic, Carson. Santa Claus and Jesus fucking Christ hate your fucking guts after seeing what you’ve become.
Cason: Oh no… Santa?
Vic smiles.
Stud: That’s right. Now I know you’re stupid, Carson. You’re Canadian, it goes without saying. But that woman over there-
Vic points at his mother. Her eyes narrow.
Studd: -doesn’t give two shits about you. She’s only using you to get to me. And just like every tampon she’s sent drowning in her River Styx you’re going to find yourself bloody and horrified at the the things she’s made you do by time she’s through with you.
Victoria: Calm yourself, boy.
Ro: Shut it, cunt.
Vic turns back to Sonny.
Studd: I’m telling you this out of respect for the man I used to know. Get as far away from her as you can. Get as far away from Ballsweat as you can. Whatever they’ve done to you, whatever they’re up to, even a simpleton with the mind of a half conscious dildo like yourself doesn’t deserve to be in the middle of.
Carson: Well lucky for me, even if I did want to leave the love of my life OR the atop consuming greatest edible product since pre-washed salad in a bag, a single can of Ballsweat would provide me with enough electrolytes to traverse even the longest-
Vic grabs Sonny by the throat and begins to squeeze.
Studd: CARSON! HELLLLLOOOOOO!?! ARE YOU IN THERE!?! OR AM I GOING TO HAVE YOU DRAG YOUR ASS BACK UP FROM HELL ITSELF TO BEAT THE EVER LOVING DOG SHIT OUT OF YOU FOR FUCKING MY MOTHER!
Ro: VIC!
Victoria: OMEGA PROTOCOL! ALPHA ONE!
Ballsweat Security brandishes cattle prods and a catch pole and surround Vic Studd. Two guards latch onto Vic’s arms and pull him off of Sonny while a third slips the noose of the catch pole around his neck and tightens the loop. As soon as Vic is dragged far enough away from Carson the guards begin to taser him relentlessly with their cattle prods.
Ro: HIIIYYYYAAA!!
Ro leaps onto the table in her evening gown and rockets at the two guards tasering Vic with a flying double missile dropkick that sends both men flying into the dining room wall. The third guard pulls Vic to his feet with the help of his catch pole and uses Vic as a shield to keep Ro at bay.
Ro: Don’t think so, mate. That there’s MY bitch.
Vic smiles at his wife struggling to twist his own nipple as he nearly chokes to death.
Studd: (croaking) Spit… in… my… mouth… baby…
Ro: Not now-
Victoria jams a syringe into the side of Ro’s neck.
Ro: (feinting) Viiiiiiiiii… uumph.
She falls to the ground and the two other security guards stab Vic with their cattle prods until he falls silent on the dining room floor, smoke billowing off his back. Victoria kneels next to Roisin and begins to brush her hair behind her ear.
Victoria: Shhh… it’s all right.
Carson: Wha- what did you give her?
Victoria: Just a little Ballsweat, my dear. She needs her rest. Looks like we’re going to have to bring this family back together the traditional way.
Victoria rises up to meet Sonny’s gaze. She dips him and shoves her tongue deep down his throat over the bodies of her fallen foes. The kiss lingers on for an uncomfortable amount of time before Victoria lets Sonny back up.
Victoria: With wrestling. Sonny, my love, would you get Maximo on the line for me? I have an idea.
Carson: Yes ma’am!
Carson rushes out of the dining room leaving Victoria with several Ballsweat Security Guards, Vic and Ro.
Victoria: Oh Victor… your world. It’ll all be over soon.
COMMERCIAL
Babaganoush: The following contest is your MMMMMMMMMMMAIN EVENT!!!
The crowd already pretty tired from the night's festivities keep their heads buried in their smartphones.
Babaganoush: Umm... k. Introducing first from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Weighing in at 209 pounds... "The Traditional" DALIDUS NOVA!
One Woman in Crowd, likely Dalidus' mom: WOO! YEAH BABY!
For whatever reason "Different People" by No Doubt begins to play. Dalidus comes out of Nana Paisner's side door looking a bit confused wearing the evening's customary gym shorts and a wifebeater.
Paisner: Apparently someone has actived their BlueTooth and is fucking with our... umm... sound system I guess you'd call it?
Woodbridge: You mean the subwoofer in the tall grass that is also acting as a chair for that heavy set woman of color.
Paisner: That's the one. Bought it when I was fifteen! Big Pearl Jam guy back in the day. EVENFLOW... BLAH BLAH BLAH LABA TIME YEAAAH!!
Woodbridge: No one knows the words to that shit.
Dalidus enters "the ring". He bounces up and down on a couple of the mattresses getting a feel for them until "Sixteen" by No Doubt begins to play.
Kyle Scott: THAT'S NOT MY MUSIC! FIX IT MOTHERFUCKER!
The crowd looks towards Nana Paisner's side door to see Kyle Scott berating some poor high schooler.
Babaganoush: And his opponent from Leeds, England. Weighing in at 200 pounds... "God's Own Fighter" KYLE SCOTT!
Kyle Scott: NO! I'M NOT GOING!
Paisner: The self professed master of white trash lucha, Kyle Scott everyone. The winner of this year's Ultimate Happening and all around dickhead.
Woodbridge: Perhaps so... but he's our dickhead. Though in all fairness a lot of people around here are dicks. Even the babyfaces!
Paisner: Don't get me started. Apparently if Dalidus doesn't win than he is out of Kyle's Loopholes in Your Fucking Face, Cunt iPPV?
Woodbridge: Something like that.
Paisner: Wrestling.
Javier stands next to Dalidus patiently waiting for Kyle.
Babaganoush: Ahem... KYLE SCOTT!!
Kyle Scott: FUCK OFF! PLAY MY MOTHERFUCKIN' SONG!
The music abruptly changes to "PLAY" by Jennifer Lopez. The audience audibly groans.
Kyle Scott: AHHHHHHHH! NO! NO! NO! THIS IS MY SHOW! MY FUCKING RULES!
Paisner: Gotta love J-Lo.
Woodbridge: Do you?
Dalidus Nova: SCREW THIS!
Dalidus' Mom: THAT'S MY BABY BOY!
Dalidus charges towards Nana Paisner's screendoor and Kyle arguing with the poor high schooler. Dalidus leaps through the screendoor, knocking it off its hinges and tackling Kyle Scott in Nana Paisner's service porch next to the washer and dryer.
DING DING DING
Woodbridge: Guess we're getting started.
Paisner: NOOO! NOT THE HOUSE!
Dalidus pulls a surprised Kyle Scott up by his wife beater, opens up the washing machine and begins to stuff Scott inside of it. Kyle tries to fight back but Dalidus is having none of it as he slams the lid onto the back of Kyle Scott's neck over and over and over.
Paisner: That's a Kenmore Elite you fucking assholes!
Scott fumbles around with his free hand as he tries to get loose from Dalidus. He finds a box of Detergent, grabs a handful of the white powder and manages to throw it into the face of Dalidus burning his retinas at their very core. Nova stumbles backwards and Kyle Scott spears him through a dry wall. The two wrestlers go crashing through a kitchen cabinet amongst all manner of processed foods. Kyle Scott immediately starts tearing opening boxes of cereal and dumping the contents on the floor.
Woodbridge: The fuck is he doing!?
Paisner: THOSE ARE MY PRIZES!
Out of a box of Cocoa Puffs falls out a Lightsaber Spoon for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Kyle tears it open and tries to stab Dalidus in the face.
Kyle Scott: WHEN I'M FINISHED YOU'LL BE DALIDUS NO-EYE!
Woodbridge: That wasn't very creative.
Paisner: Well, he is British.
Dalidus fights Kyle Scott off, pushing him back and kicking him in the gut sending Kyle flying into the refrigerator. The door pops open from the force and Nova nips up to charge at Kyle. But Scott is too quick, having fought in many kitchens growing up he grabs a liter of Orange juice and dumps the contents onto the floor causing Dalidus to slip and fall into the refrigerator. Kyle tears off the door handle of the fridge, lifts it high above his head and slams it across the back of Nova.
Nova: ARRGGGHHH!!
Paisner: Nana is going to be so pissed...
Scott stumbles around the kitchen. He starts pulling out drawers and throwing them at Dalidus while he crawls away down a nearby hallway trying to get away. Kyle Scott closes in in pursuit as Dalidus pulls himself up with the help of a door handle. Scott charges at Dalidus with a wild superman punch that Nova just barely manages to duck out of the way of. Kyle's fist plows through the thin wooden door.
CLINK
Scott: FUCK!!
Kyle stumbles down the hallway holding his hand in pain. Dalidus rips open the door to reveal a water heater with a sizable dent on the outside. Nova grabs one of the tubes and rips it out of the water heater, pointing it at Kyle Scott and blasting him with scalding hot water.... as well as all the pictures of a young Allen Paisner hanging on the wall.
Paisner: That's it they're both fucking fired.
Woodbridge: You don't own the company anymore.
Paisner: Than why the fuck is this out my Nana's house and not Maximo's!? God damn it!
Woodbridge: Cause your Nana is senile and so old she sat next to Ben Franklin in Kindergarten.
Scott screams in pain as Nova grabs him by the scuff of his neck, spins him around and throws him over a nearby railing and into the dining room. Kyle lands hard on the table, bounces off and slams into a China Cabinet shattering thousands of dollars worth of cutlery and plates. Nova climbs over the railing into the dining room only to start getting pelted with tea cups. He shields his eyes, blocking each one Kyle throws but leaves himself exposed from below. Kyle kicks out one of the dining room chairs and its slams into Dalidus' gut doubling him over.
Paisner: Kyle Scott leaps up onto the table and onto Dalidus Nova with a Flying Double Foot Stomp! Ivan Itchicock waddles over to make the cover! Please let this be all!
1...
2...
3!
NO!
Dalidus gets the shoulder up!
Paisner: FUCK!
Woodbridge: Dude, get over the house. There was no way we weren't going to pull a Robeson tonight.
Scott potatoes Dalidus in the face out of frustration and pulls the accomplished WiR rookie to his feet by the hair and drags him into the living room and irish whips him into a plush leather recliner.
Scott: HAVE A SEAT!
Scott starts wailing away on Dalidus Nova with a series of backhanded chops, knee strikes, headbutts and boots to the face. Each subsequent strike sending the recliner rocking further and further back, increasing the velocity that Dalidus bounces back into either a fist or a foot of Kyle Scott like a speed bag.
Woodbridge: I remember this -- THE VIOLENCE PARTY!!
Kyle backpedals across the living room and makes a finger bang gesture at Dalidus. He sprints forward with a bicycle kick, but Dalidus pulls the lever on the recliner just in the nick of time and ducks under Kyle's boot. The foot rest kicks out, catching Scott on the shin and Dalidus whirls out of the chair behind him.
Paisner: [Dalidus Drop]()! (Lifting Inverted DDT) through my Nana's coffee table! THAT'S ENOUGH! PIN HIM! FUCKING PIN HIM!
Dalidus collapses on the glass above Kyle for the pin.
1...
2...
3!
NO!
Kyle Scott barely gets the shoulder up.
Scott: Fuck... you... its my show...
Woodbridge: Cheeky little cunt ain't he?
Paisner: ONE OF YOU JUST FUCKING WIN!
Nova pulls Kyle Scott to his feet and lays into him with a stiff knife edge chop. Scott tries one in return but Nova bats his hand away and lands another and another. He grabs Scott by the back of the neck and throws Kyle Scott through a curtain and halfway out a window.
Woodbridge: Damn. Dalidus ain't fucking around. He wants an iPPV payday.
Dalidus grabs Kyle by the back of his gym shorts and Scott reflexively mule kicks Nova in the ballsack. Still hanging halfway out the window, Kyle Scott yanks down the curtain and grabs something from outside the house in the front yard garden.
Paisner: No... no... no! NO!
Whatever the object is Kyle Scott swaddles it up in the curtain and pulls himself back through the window, his face a bleeding mess. Nova staggers back to his feet still holding his junk and encroaches on the self-proclaimed "God's Own Fighter". Kyle swings his curtain and wallops Nova upside the head with his makeshift flail.
Dalidus Mom: MY BABY!
Dalidus goes down hard but Kyle Scott doesn't quit. He continues to whirl the object inside of the wadded up curtain around his head and brings it down hard on Nova again. He drags it off the floor and repeats it again and again, breaking apart whatever object lay inside the curtain.
Woodbridge: Fuck. That seemed uncalled for.
Scott is breathing heavily. He wipes away the blood from his face and shakes loose the foreign object from inside the curtain to reveal a shattered Garden Gnome.
Paisner: DAVID! NOOOOOO!!
Woodbridge: David?
Paisner: He was Nana's favorite...
Scott snorts out a laugh at the twisted face of the broken garden gnome and corpse of Dalidus Nova. He drops to his knees and starts to roll over Dalidus...
BEEP BEEP BEEP
CRRRRRRRRAAASSSSSHHHHH!
Woodbridge: Holy shit!
A charred black, beaten up and rusty Back Hoe](http://ift.tt/1YJOwgC) crashes through the living room of the house. The ceiling of the home begins to give way as the roof begins to snap.
Woodbridge: Former Hardcore Champion Back Hoe!
Paisner: YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!
Kyle shocked at what he is witnessing tries to run away but a ceiling bam crashes down atop him and Dalidus as the Back Hoe moves further through the home destroying everything in its path. The crowd scatters to a safe distance as the dust settles to reveal the driver... WiR Independent Champion Andrew "The Dragon" Garcia.
Guy Wearing a Sueno Shirt: YEEEEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!
Woodbridge: Umm... shouldn't someone be helping them?
Paisner: Nana's house... her poor house.... where... where are we going to have Passover? WHERE MARK!?
Several WiR officials run into the rubble and begin clearing it away. The Coffee Boyz and Harry Undersach head towards where Kyle and Dalidus once were and begin clearing away rubble. They find Itchicock underneath a broken ceiling fan and leave him be as they continue to look for actual characters that people care about.
Woodbridge: They're fucking dead man.
Paisner: Good. Nana would want vengeance. If she were sound of mind and all, that is.
Alex Silva digs through some insulation and screams to his partner.
Silva: Kelly get over here!
Woodbridge: I thought those guys were let go for spiking their coffees with LSD.
Paisner: They're fans what can I say.
Silva and Kelly lift up a large bookshelf and move it to the asie. Tai Ni Wong runs over and leaps into the rubble.
Paisner: What the... Tai Ni is making a pin!
Woodbridge: The match is still going!
1...
2...
3!
Tai Ni signals for the bell.
DING DING DING
Babaganoush: Uhhh... the winner at a time of 12:57 is...
Tai Ni Wong and the Coffee Boyz pull Dalidus Nova up from the wreckage.
Babaganoush DALIDUS NOVA!!
Dalidus' Mom: YAAAAAAAY!!
Dalidus' mom comes running up to check on her son. Tai Ni Wong and the Coffee Boyz all high five at once as they leap in the air. Meanwhile, Kyle Scott and Ivan Itchicock still lay amongst the rubble of Nana Paisner's home.
Woodbridge: Welp... safe to say we won't be doing that again!
Paisner: I love you Nana!
House Party ends with Andrew Garcia standing tall on the hood of former Hardcore Champion Back Hoe, looking down upon Kyle Scott. He raises his Independent Title into the air as the sun sets behind him resulting a fucking hardcore picture of a Champion Fighter standing atop a piece of heavy machinery over his fallen opponent laying in a pile of smoldering ruin against the setting sun. Fin.
Wrestling Is Reddit © 2016
Submitted April 22, 2016 at 08:11AM by SmarkInProgress http://ift.tt/1YJOwgE wrestlingisreddit
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