Me and my wife work all day (10+), raise young kids and argue over the most random of topics. It's a super-long story so please follow along.
It started about 12 years ago in college. We met through like friends. We talked on the phone and hung out fairly often. I was talking to other people and she was as well, nothing heavy but not totally exclusive. She was different than what I was use to, I'm not sure if it was because she was from the burbs or if it was because I was from the city(READ: Urban upbringing) but I was still interested. We were involved so much and for so long but there was one thing that prevented me from taking our relationship further. She was a virgin. I knew myself and I didn't want to force her to do anything she wasn't ready to do so I eventually pulled back so that I wouldn't've been viewed as a selfish asshole. We then became sort of distant for about 8-9 months and I began talking to my ex because we were really-really close prior to me going to college.
Fast forward about a year I got the inkling that my girlfriend at the time was either cheating or wasn't really feeling the relationship anymore. She gave bullshit excuses about highway driving and visiting me an hour away. I would come back to the city i'm from to visit her and her energy just felt way off, she got a little spunky one-time in public. This was hardly the person i've been with on and off for the last 2-3 years. She would blow it off like I wasn't tripping but at that time I decided to hell with her I'm going to do me and if she comes around fine if not, "oh well life goes on". So I left her house for the last time and I started meeting different women from my college as well as colleges in the area and at a call center where I worked. I dated some and others we had arrangements whenever the opportunity presented itself.
About 11 years ago me and my now wife linked back up through mutual friends again and we decided to see where it would go again. I was technically still in a relationship which I didn't tell her but I did tell her that I was dating other people and that we were having sex. I put it out there just so that she would be clear of where I was currently at. She still would call and hang out with me but now she wanted to take it to the next level and have sex, so we did.
I took her virginity. After a few weeks we tried the exclusive thing, we got into a real relationship this time.
Uh-oh several months have past and the honeymoon phase of the relationship wore off. She began doing stuff that I wasn't cool with like letting herself in my apartment, telling me who she didn't like me associating with and swearing up and down I had sex with females that I only talked to. I had no idea who this person was but I knew I didn't like it so I decided to break up with her after an argument that woke me up out of my sleep.
I'm single again. Old flings are calling and AOL IM'ing me(they were local), new women on my radar again. I'm living like a early 20 something male with job, nice car, apartment and in enrolled in college. My old hometown ex is still trying to reach out to me and apologize for her ways but I would just keep it cordial and keep it moving. A few months pass and my now wife but then friend-again was now contacting me trying to get back on my good side, I decided to let me guard down and let her back in. I told her once again that I've been talking and having sex with multiple women, some wanting a relationship too so if you can respect that for what it is then we can hang. There was a party, she was there, I was high as hell, we had sex. Then again on several random occasions.
Its almost the summer. I got a phone call and she told me that she was pregnant. I knew it was mines since she never messed with anyone after we broke up.
We became closer, took on the relationship roles again. She would get pissed at me for going through my phone and facebook and learning of the actual women I was dating but we never split. Seven months later my first child was born. I had stopped getting high but had quit school to find some legit employment. She returned to school several months later and graduated a year later. I on the other hand, had found a great job that was overpaying me by almost $18K so I decided to transfer and pursue an associates degree so that I could keep my job. We finally moved in together when our first child was 3. It started off ok but we found ourselfs into arguments more and more again over her suspecting infidelity(which did not happen at all) and household cleanliness and financial stuff.
We broke up around September of the and moved out of the apartment around late October. She went to live with her mother and I got a small apartment. Once it was over I tried to reach out but she would just ask if I wanted to speak to my kid. This went on for about a months time, so the holidays were approaching and I would run into old flings or something new while out and about with friends or clubs. I started dating around the middle of November so there were about 3 women that I am now talking to but I'm only taking 1 serious.
Several months go by me and the 1 that I was taking serious decided to stop playing games and enter a relationship. Post breakup I found myself doing really well in school, I was able to save in cash thousands of dollars(previously check to check) and I picked up some side work that was getting great reviews and earning me more money.
But I missed my kid so bad, I got tired of being the weekend dad. My current girlfriend at the time hated that I wouldn't bring my kid around her even though she had a security clearance but I stuck to my guns but we officially broke up about 7 months into the relationship. I was definitely to blame, I did cheat on her really early into the relationship and I always put my money and kid ahead of her. So I'm single again but this time I had no dates no women on the side, I was just trying to take a break and focus on myself and my kid.
My child's mother had found an apartment and needed help moving. Since I was making great money and saved a decent amount, I decided I would pay the movers and for some furniture and etc since she did have my child 24/5. On move in day I helped move some things that the movers didn't get and my daughter was sleep, so we talked for a minute. She expressed that she missed me and I said the same because I meant it but I wasn't going to be the first to say it. She gave me some head and we began talking again and eventually got in a relationship again. 8-9 Months had passed and I decided to propose to her. I gave her a decent ring and she said yes. We got married a little over a year later a couple weeks after I finished my associate degree program and moved back in together.
A couple months later she expressed that she wanted to have another kid. I wasn't ready for that but she felt so good when I was inside of her and I kept remembering everybody telling me about marriage and sacrifice, so she was pregnant within a month or so. She had a modest job with very modest pay but she had hinted at pursuing her Master's and I wanted to finish my BA at another college but ran into some scheduling issues once they got my money, so i tabled that and focused on obtaining some self study certifications. My second child was born so my wife was still on leave from work so it was all on me to maintain the home and everything else financially. During this time I had learned that she had applied and got into a Master program. I was happy for her but also was concerned about my infant. If she was to be a fulltime student what was going to happen with my fairly young infant since I'm at work all day?
I began to ask about her school schedule to kind of get an idea about what our weeks were going to look like and how long the program was. She would never answer any questions with any certainty, I've always(even to this day 3 years later) had to really poke and pry to get any detailed information from her. She went back to work a few months later and then while I was at work one day I found out by text that she had quit her job. I knew that she was getting flustered with school and work but I had zero prior notice, I felt some type of way about it and her. I began to notice more and more that I would have my infant child from 5-9:30 pm at night M-TH. I love my kids but I really felt that an infant needed a mother's touch and nurturing. My infant began to cling to me way more than my wife and even to this day my 3 year old wants to always be with me. My oldest kid grew a little quieter and played by herself a lot more than I liked. Our days began to become very mundane, money started to get tighter and my income had become stabilized(no more raises).
My wife didn't work a job but was in school, but after I would return from work my house would be a mess. It would look like 10 things have been started but nothing ever finished. My carpets became ridiculously stained, kitchen filthy, dirty and clean cloths piles, laundry soap all over the dryer and washed coupled with lint, my oldest kid's hair wouldn't be done but every 1.5 weeks. I literally had nothing to be proud of when I came home, I stopped allowing long-time friends to come over I was ashamed. I would bring up how I felt but I am always accused of being verbally abusive and she goes on and on about how I dont like or love her, how I could clean up after the kids too so I eventually would stop addressing my concerns. I don't think women should be in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant but if you aren't employed by choice but your husband is, you have 2 kids and 1 is an infant I believe you should at least attempt to make a home. This went on for 1.5 years.
We've moved to a bigger house now from a condo and now she's working but the pay is still very modest but the workload is twice as much and even more demanding than she ever realized so the situation still remains. Now we have a lot more expenses and debt that I pay the brunt of and it effecting my mood and health, I've aged at least 8 years in the last 3. I can't get any freelance or sidework because of her dynamic schedule. We come to agreements regarding household bills but its always short lived or it causes me to extend myself even further financially than its worth. Then the type of work she has been seasonal lately so there are 3 months a year where she has NO income.
I've tried to be supportive of her higher education and choice of career but the amount of time it absorbs versus the actual and projected salary just doesn't add up. Couple that with her lack of paying of household bills and not cleaning, its becoming a burden that I never imagined I would have to constantly deal with. I thought over time and as people get older they begin to approach responsibilities different or more seriously. My wife has lived in our house for 3 years and seen her door keys in 3 years, has lost her $6K wedding ring, has never ordered a book of checks for her checking account in 5 years, damaged her car from bumper to bumper, hoarded clothes from here to Australia, uses the joint checking as her personal checking, won't even roll the trashcan back up to the house when i'm out of town for work, won't pay her half of rent, complains about spending $180 on groceries every 2 weeks, shes cold when its humid and hot when its cold, cooks and then starts 3 projects that she never finishes and then warns us that the food is nasty, can't wash clothes because she left clothes in the washer and dryer already, does makeup in one restroom and brushes teeth and other toiletries in another, consistently loses the cap on the toothpaste, swipes her debit card(sometimes even mines) like there's no tomorrow, won't screw on lids for orange juice/milk/lemonade etc, constantly spills and drops items that dont belong and uses our microwave and top of refrigerator as a business center/fruit/food shelf.
I don't know how long postpartum depression lasts or if it is something else but something isn't right. She has family members in the mental health field but its like they don't see anything wrong.
What should I do? I don't want break up my family but I don't know how much longer I can go into debt, live paycheck to paycheck, gain weight and age more rapidly and not enjoy life.
tl;dr: Male 31 midwest Wife 30, 3 kids 9, 4 &1. We argue mostly because my wife wants to alter, change or question decisions that I'm mostly responsible for. Tired of arguing and i'm considering divorce to progress in life.
Submitted April 06, 2016 at 12:45AM by nw2go http://ift.tt/1oztVPE relationships
No comments:
Post a Comment