When my boyfriend (now fiancé) first tried to convince me my Dad was toxic and I needed to leave, we didn't know what was wrong with my Dad. I really struggled not getting panic attacks just thinking about leaving. I realize why it was so hard to think about now. I was the provider for my siblings, my Ndad never gave my EMom enough for groceries. Before I had a job I would find events to take my siblings to that provided free food, or convince my mom to take us to the grocery store with the most samples. After I had a job I'd constantly be bring home food from the clearance section (I didn't make that much money, and I still needed to save up for my eventual escape even though it's really hard for me to leave my siblings). I also was the one who validated my siblings when my NDad would yell at them and make them cry, I'd be the one to wipe their tears away. Now I'm starting to tear up. I need to leave, but I feel so selfish going, I feel like they need me. I'm afraid what will happen once I'm gone, they are 12 and 16 now, but I still worry. I just, I don't want them to struggle with starvation. Even with me here my brother struggles to keep a healthy weight, he's constantly underweight. My sister is a healthy weight but it helps that she's not that big and thus requires less food. My Ndad says they are too picky and that the refrigerator is full, but it's mostly full of empty containers and condiments. He'd rather spend his money on his fancy car then his childrens food. Am I doing the wrong thing leaving them behind? I don't know how to help them without hurting myself. I just feel guilty... I need advice.
Submitted March 11, 2016 at 03:08AM by ndad-sggirl http://ift.tt/1LV3C1k raisedbynarcissists
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