I had the best week I’ve had in recent months and today I decided I’m going to kill myself. I’m still not 100 percent comfortable with the thought, but at the time it felt so clear and right.
I’m getting more and more comfortable with the idea of suicide. I found myself saying “I’m going to do it, I’m going to kill myself,” Like I’m hyping myself up or something. (I mentioned some hypothetical accidental possible ways to die. I think that's against the rules.) If it somehow wasn’t my fault and my parents wouldn’t get mad at me? It would be amazing if it would all just end.
Alternatively, I’m thinking of running away and building something somewhere else. Just leave everyone and everything and not come back until I’m better. But then It would just be me. I just can’t face them, I just don’t want to exist anymore. I just want to start over, just be anything else other than me.
I spent the week with my boyfriend in his home several states away. It was really great. I loved holding him. I loved the smell of his hair when he laid on me, it was really beautiful. I suspect he’s grateful I’m gone though. I shared some of my thoughts with him through texts and he replied with one word messages and kisses. I think he’s glad I’m gone. I think he likes the distance from his crazy girlfriend, I think he’s glad he doesn’t have to be there for me in any real way.
I came home and my mother immediately asked me for food and money, $15. She had borrowed money from my brother for her Parkinson’s medication, she was diagnosed last week, and my sister-in-law pulled that $15 from her babysitting fund. My SIL started college this week and needed that money to put towards daycare. I don’t have any money, I’m in the negatives in my bank account after that trip, but I looked around my room and found some dimes and nickels I had rolled up a few months ago. She needed it quick, so I drove over there immediately, still all gross from traveling, and gave her $15 in nickels and dimes. My SIL told me I was getting thicker. She hoped she didn’t offend me, but she didn’t want me to get lazy. My niece was there. I gave her a souvenir and gave her a kiss and hug. I asked her if she loved me and she said no. She’s 3. I know she’s just a baby but it hurt so badly. I feel like I’m a huge joke, and my brother and his wife are in on it and they don’t actually care about me and the baby is just too young to know she’s supposed to play along. I told her I loved her soooooooo much. She’s just a baby, there’s no way she knew she was breaking my heart. A baby being contrary shouldn’t have the power to crush me.
I haven’t gained any weight on paper, but I do think I’ve been looking grosser. I lost a baby in the spring, very early in the pregnancy. I was raped by someone I considered a close friend a week later. I’ve been doing my best to keep it together. I’ve seen doctors and have started therapy. I’m a veteran, and I’m poor and the VA is all I have for care. I feel like I have a new diagnosis or just new category they throw me in each time I go. Anxiety. Depression. OCD. Military Sexual Trauma. PTSD. On top of my ADHD. They even said something about alcohol abuse, and that’s a huge fucking joke because I barely drink. I keep beer so long in my refrigerator I throw it away. I still have liquor I bought years ago. I only drink with friends and after what happened I’ve only drank once. They’ve been seeing me for like 4 months, how can I have like 10 things when I’ve only seen my doctor a handful of times? I dread going over there every time, but I keep going because each time I hope that this time maybe they’ll help me. I mean. They’re the experts, right? They have to know how to fix me. I can’t be the only veteran who has come to them like this. Then again, when I went to them after I was raped they sent me from the clinic, to the big hospital over an hour drive away, and that hospital couldn’t do a rape kit, so I was sent to the city hospital next to my house. So maybe they can’t fix me. Maybe if you’re not a shell shocked young man the VA can’t fix you. I’ve been honest with every healthcare professional I’ve seen. I also see somebody through my college, he’s great but I only started seeing him a few weeks ago. I’m trying to be better, but I just wish it was over.
I haven’t drank since I was assaulted but I drank my last day with my boyfriend. We had sex, and right after he was worried about his daughter (3) and left to go check on her and I just felt gross like my skin just felt gross and I was worried he felt it, he saw how gross I was and that he didn’t want me and had been looking for an excuse to leave. My skin felt so gross. He was trying to talk to me, trying to tell me everything was ok, but I had to go shower and wash my hair. I think the alcohol made it harder for me to hide my worries. My hand kept moving around all weird like. I don’t know what that was all about. It stopped after I showered. I had great sex with him all week but that last time I was sure he could feel how gross I am. Even if he didn’t I freaked out so bad that I’m sure he’s just glad it’s over and he doesn’t have to deal with me anymore. I wish I could just ship me back home. I wish I communicated with me almost solely through texts and didn’t have to deal with me. Why would he want this sad woman around his sweet little daughter? My sister in law saw me for a second and she saw how gross I am.
If I die, my mom would not be okay. My father already lost his oldest daughter when she was 18. Should he really lose his youngest at 26? I would be leaving my big brother all alone. How did my family get so unlucky that the youngest is so weak and disgusting? I think it would be better for my bf if I go. I wish I could just disappear. I don’t think I’m ever going to feel better. I really wish I would die.
I’ve been thinking of ways to do it. (I listed a bunch of ways but I think that’s against the rules.) My family could imagine I just ran away. I used to runaway a lot as a teenager.
I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking about how I should just die. I’m stuck in this loop and honestly, I cried the whole time I wrote this until I wrote the part of the ways I might kill myself. I know this is ranty. I know this is disorganized. I can’t bring myself to read it all again to fix it. I just want to die and nobody can fix me.
Submitted August 25, 2015 at 05:10AM by throw_it_all_away14 http://ift.tt/1JhA35n SuicideWatch
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