Not entirely sure what I want out of this post but I've seen a lot of "lsd cured my severe anxiety and depression" posts recently and I'm curious. I'm a 25 year old man with almost no drug experiences and no real diagnoses. I've smoked weed (which made me lose track of my sense of self for longer than it should have) and I've
When I was younger I was told I should never take weed or psychedelics (other drugs were fine) because I have a "strange brain" according to my child psychologist. Weed has a really weird effect on me where I stay high for days and can't understand how time passes. Occasionally this comes with hearing voices, having conversations with people that may or may not be there, which can be good or bad depending on the environment. One time I was told I sat in one room for somewhere between eight and ten hours having a conversation with an empty refrigerator box, that at the time I was convinced was actually a series of people coming through the house.
I can count on two hands the amount of times I've smoked and while it can certainly be fun, when I get high with people most of the time they want to talk about fun movies and Taco Bell, and I want to cry and scream and talk to God and roll around in the grass and run through the forest behind my house. My girlfriend says when I get high or drunk enough I essentially become a large dog. The way I get weirds people out, meaning I either have to devote a lot of energy toward suppressing that (which makes me look depressed or stressed to other people, which I'm told kills their high), or I just get a little bit crazy and this makes people think they need to come down and take care of me. In reality this is almost never the case, usually I just need to work out whatever it is I'm going through.
Onto my actual issue, I am constantly filled with existential anxiety regarding where my life is going and if it even matters. I go to work every day and when I get out I sit on Reddit trying to come up with ways to optimize my life, and anything else feels like a waste of time. At the same time I feel like I'm missing out on the bigger picture. I feel like I'm wasting my 20s chasing something that might not be real. I'm at the age my parents were when they settled down and started a family after traveling around the world on the backs of motorcycles and in campervans for years.
I started working in a Best Buy immediately after graduating college and I've never left my home state, I didn't even move out from my parents or get my license until a year ago. My girlfriend and I have been talking about getting a long term apartment together (we've subletted for a while) and I just feel like this is the end for me, I'm going to be 30 and too old to be a kid exploring the world for the first time by the time I get to explore the world. I worry about this so much it keeps me awake at night.
I don't know what I want out of this experience. I want to reprioritize my life without constantly feeling guilt over not being successful or not being an engineer or a programmer. Halfway through last year I quit a software engineering program after experiencing a terrifying break from reality (voices, demons, what have you) and I'm pretty sure these episodes I get are caused by stress because soon after I quit I got better.
Submitted May 14, 2016 at 08:01PM by funklethegrunkle http://ift.tt/1TgkEr5 LSD
No comments:
Post a Comment