I've been lurking this sub for a while and an event yesterday reminded me of this story from a while back that I want to share.
Be me: 5' 8", soccer player for school. Close to 130 lbs. Don't be Mini Moon: 5' 3" if you're generous, attempted to play goalie for our offseason club. Claims 245 lbs but probably more.
Most of my friends are in decent shape from sports with one major exception: Mini Moon. Mini Moon is the stereotype of this sub. He sweats constantly, eats everything he can get his hands on, criticizes people on healthy choices, etc. At school he blatantly picks his nose and then eats whatever he manages to dig out. Nothing about him is healthy in any way.
Anyway, onto the story. My friends and I are all busy people with sports during the summer and fall and homework through the year. This particular story took place when I had soccer and didn't have a lot of time to myself.
We had a small group of five that used to play call of duty almost religiously. Every night we'd get on after practice or whatever shit we had to do and play for hours. Eventually though, we all stopped playing because of our schedules. Everyone but Mini Moon. Mini Moon has no extracurricular activities going on so he has all the time in the world. He would hound us day and night to get on and play call of duty like we used to back in the day. Of course we all wanted to but we had more important things. After my season was over and cross country and tennis were ending, we finally all had time and energy on the weekend to play video games with our lard ball of a friend. So we scheduled it for that Saturday night.
When the day finally came, I made sure I didn't have anything going on. One friend couldn't make it but that wasn't a big deal because only four people can play zombies anyway. So night came and we were all on except Mini Moon. We waited for a bit and texted him to see what was going on. He was the most excited out of all of us, why is he so late? All of our questions were answered when my doorbell rang. Mini Moon drove over to my house because his internet cut out and he didn't have a phone to tell us. I was pretty annoyed, because you don't just go to someone's house unannounced, but I decided to let it go and invite him in to set up his stuff. After everything was situated, we got to playing. The connection was pretty slow but it wasn't a big deal. Then, this fatass grabs one of the Mountain Dews he brought and an entire can of Pringles and goes to town. It was nauseating. Crumbs were flying everywhere and he was making this godawful lip smacking noise. I mean just shoveling them in his mouth. He had a fistful ready before he even swallowed the last one. If he wasn't so disgustingly fat, I would have thought he hadn't eaten in weeks. He ate an entire can of Pringles in the time it took to play one game (10ish minutes).
It was about this time I began to notice the smell. You know what ball sweat smells like after a long run? It was like that but more sour. I was already annoyed by him showing up without invitation, and now he's getting his vile scent all over a nice recliner. Not wanting to ruin this for my other friends, I shut my mouth and accepted it. After a few more uneventful hours, we decided to go to bed. I made him sleep on the recliner so he didn't tarnish another piece of furniture. We started talking after we turned everything off and I mentioned that I hate it when people stay late into the afternoon when they spend the night at my house. I said this mostly because it's true but also to tell him to get the fuck out when he wakes up. He agreed with me and then we went to sleep.
I woke up at 9 to see Mini Moon starting at me with this dumb fucking smile. He looked like someone released him into an all you can eat Taco Bell buffet. I asked him what he did because in the past he has done some stupid shit in the morning and blamed it on him "not having his pills". So, with his stupid ass smile, he says something like,"I woke up 2 hours ago [about 7 AM] and took a shit in your bathroom. When I tried to flush it was clogged so I tried again. It started to overflow so I mopped it up with my towel I brought for the hot tub." This fat motherfucker clogged my toilet to the point that it overflowed then went through my house to find a plunger and unclog it. I got really mad at him for that and after I calmed down he said he was hungry and asked what I wanted from Steak 'n Shake because he looked through what we had and he didn't like any of it. I didn't even care that he went through my food cabinets because he just offered to leave. I told him to get me cheese fries because I wasn't really that hungry.
Half an hour later, I heard the ringing that meant someone just pulled into my driveway. I had left the door unlocked so that he could come in. Nobody came downstairs so I just assumed a squirrel had run across the laser or something. I was wrong. When he came in, he went straight to the refrigerator and looked for a bottle of ketchup. Then he went through my plates looking for something suitable to put it on. Then this land whale makes himself a large coffee in my keurig machine. He comes downstairs and hands me my cheese fries, then gets his burger meals and milkshake out. All in all, he had two double burger meals with fries, a large milkshake, a large coffee, and some ketchup. And by some ketchup, I mean he took the cap off the bottle and scooped out more ketchup than I had food. We start eating and I am horrified by what I see. He has only eaten half of his burger and some fries and is already pouring more ketchup! I lose my appetite and give him my fries which he gladly accepts. I then go to sit on the couch and can hear him eating from across the room. When he chews it sounds like someone is running through a puddle. He ate every bit of what he got and then licked the cheese and ketchup off the the plates. Apparently eating this much food is about all the exercise he gets because he was drenched in sweat by the time he was done.
Remember what I said to him about me hating when people overstay their welcome? Well that's exactly what he did. When he was done eating, it was almost 10:30. I wanted him gone first thing in the morning and I thought I made that pretty clear to him but he was still there at 2:30. I think he senses that I'm getting annoyed so he tries to lighten the mood by picking up the still slightly moist shit towel and throwing it at me. I was obviously disgusted and even more pissed off now so he decides to double down and chase me around the room with it. He thinks it's so fucking funny but I'm not laughing. He is acting like it's just a blanket or something. This is the last straw for me so I tell him he should go. He finally realizes that he's been nothing but a nuisance for the last 16 hours and gets mad at me because I'm being unfair since he hasn't taken his ADHD meds yet today. Finally he leaves and I feel like I wasted a day.
TL;DR: fat fuck friend invites himself over and makes himself at home.
Submitted May 28, 2016 at 11:09PM by Rk0321 http://ift.tt/1WS1BHf fatpeoplestories
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