I was in a deep train of thought today about my porn addiction. Been watching porn since I was 6 years old I believe. Started out when I found my Grandpa's softcore porn magazine under his bed and I got hooked looking at naked ladies with their spreaded vaginas. I had this hot feeling rush of adrenaline telling me that this is pure happiness. Your escape! I had anxiety problems and masterbating to porn at such a young age has helped me to numb myself from reality and pain.
Porn has greatly affected my school performances. I've been going to the principles office a lot and I get a lot of whipping from my Dad from 6 to 12 years old. I remember him yelling at me and beating my ass with a belt 25 times until my ass had bloody marks. This beating goes on 2 times a week. There was a time when i accidentally broke the refrigerator door and he chased me around the house with a belt yelling and I was running for my life. My Dad was very controlling and my Mom was too weak to stop my Dad. All she does is watch him beat me as i scream and cried.
Everyday after school, I would go home and open my grandpas magazine. Fap to it and play my gameboy in the room alone. I've been addicted to video games due to my porn addiction. Because of my addictions, I flunked second grade and had to repeat again. All my old friends were gone and I felt like a stupid kid stuck with little kids. In 3rd grade, I started drawing comics of naked people having sex in crazy scenes and my friends liked it a lot. They insisted me to draw more sexy stuff and I did. My teacher later found out about my porn comics in the locker and had a meeting with my Mom. The next morning, my Dad woke me up out of bed. My Mom showed my Dad the naked drawings I drew and I was waiting for the slap in the face. Instead, he looked at the comics for a while and then grabs me furiously by the neck with both hands choking and strangling me as I lay helplessly on the bed gasping for air. Thankfully, my Mom stopped him and he let me go till I can catch my breath, coughing.
At 12 years old, I was diagnosed with high blood pressure. Doctors thought I had heart disease but honestly, it was my anxiety. Living with my parents was hell. I get sweaty hands when I get nervous a lot and my heart pounds really fast when I get in trouble. As a child, I see my Dad as a monster. I use porn to cover my emotional scars.
As I got to high school, things got a lot worse. I've been bullied, called names, and I never really wanted to achieve my academic grades. All I wanted to do was to waste my life watching porn and play video games. My porn fetish was blowjob and cumshots. Been watching those compilation for months and I moved on to some hardcore like threesomes and lesbian porn. I was hooked on these fetishes but it didn't last long. I wanted more excitement and disgust.
What made me more insecure of myself was watching shemale porn. Fapping to a beautiful woman with a nice package made me cum hard for the first time. I felt disgusted, shock, and asked myself if I was gay. I was only 16 years old and I had to keep it a secret because I fapped to a guy who looked like a woman. Anxiety got the best of me and I had several panic attacks. I felt like I was going to die anytime soon. I had several girlfriends in high school but the relationship only lasted a month. I just kept going back to tranny porn.
Few years later, I graduated high school and went to my local college. I had a really hard time concentrating because I kept thinking about porn every hour. I didn't take college seriously and was suspended due to 1.6 gpa. I was really depressed and I knew that something was wrong with me. I felt suicidal at times but I never wanted to give up life. I always thought that watching porn was a normal thing because all of my friends watch porn but how much?
I've been hearing a lot of crazy things about the DeepWeb on youtube and I didn't really believe it at first but I was wrong. I was very curious guy so I took a chance to browse on the the DeepWeb and I made a huge mistake. I clicked on a link and it directed me to snuff porn and necrophilia. I was scared as fucked. Who in there minds would like this kind of stuff? Its murder and insane! Then, there were links to graphic images of children being raped helplessly from 3 to 14 year old and I felt really sick to my stomach. Who the fuck would do this? It was pure evil. What has porn become now? I decided that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! This shit needs to stop now!
I took the time to do some research on porn addiction and I stumbled upon YourBrainonPorn.com. It explains that our brain is rewired through the consumption of novelty and our brains needed more stimulus to keep up the dopamine levels. I also stumbled upon the Nofap challenge on youtube and I knew that I needed to quit porn before its too late. Been doing the Nofap challenge for 2 years now and I have seen great results from Nofap. I came back to college to take my grades seriously and got my GPA from 1.6 to 2.8. I use to get Withrawals, Cs,Ds and Fs. Now, I am getting all A and Bs. I can talk to girls naturally and I got back to running 4 times a week. My highest nofap was 46 days and I felt like a gladiator. Life is precious. Porn saps the joy out of you because you release all that intense pleasure for a trade of depression. Thats how it works. I later found Buddhaism to be a very interesting religion and I keep questioning myself of what is the purpose of life? Throughout my life, porn has destroyed me almost completely until I decided that I need to take action. And here I am. Living the real life and learning my experiences from the past and moving forward. I am still continuing my Nofap no matter what. The answer to my life is still out there and I am reaching for it. Never give up! Only you have the power to change! No one else! Only you!
Submitted May 31, 2016 at 11:48PM by abel_15 http://ift.tt/1sJ5nWO NoFap
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