(Obligatory: Throw away because he knows my main Reddit count)
(Edited main post for clarity)
TL;DR: My husband struggles with basic things survival/hygiene skills and doing basic chores around the house. Always says "he's trying" to get better but it's been 5 years. I don't think he's lazy, but I think he might have a disorder that messes with his memory. What do I do?
My husband and I moved in together at 18, and are now 22. We have been together for 5 years and married for one. Ever since we moved in, he's struggled with basic necessities like remembering to eat, wear clean clothes, shave, participate in his share of the housework etc. He's very forgetful.
For years I've been suggesting he go to behavioral therapy to see if he might have depression, OCD, ADD/ADHD... basically anything that might make him struggle with these things. (After all, I have depression and I know that when it gets bad, the last thing I want to do is take care of things, or myself. It really sucks!) He won't go. He has to much pride. When I bring it up, he says "it's fiiiiine baby. Stop worrying". (Let it be known, I have chronic anxiety... there is no "stop worrying", and he knows it).
At a point late last year, I was up to my ears in frustration with trying to get him to remember these things on his own (How hard is it to remember to eat? Food is glorious!), so I set up a joint Wunderlist account with a "To Do" list of all of his basic necessities. I assign them to his account, I set reminders for each one so an alarm goes off, etc. Anything I can do to help him remember.
Even before this Wunderlist, he's told me that "he's trying to get better" about these things (and I'm thinking... get better about WHAT? These are basic tasks!) (edit: I understand that these might not be basic tasks or important at all to someone with a mental health issue or behavioral issue)... and, on some basic level, he is trying... but, it's been five years. He always tells me "just give me some time"... five years of time?! (edit: Five years might not seem like much to someone with an issue of time blindness or time management. Again, I'm not brushing this off as an excuse. I'm just making an observation)I'm wondering just how much time he needs! He's a grown man now with a wife and a managerial position at his job (He worked up throughout the years to make it to that point). It seems like he puts more effort into getting things done at work, than getting things done for him or for the house. But, again, I don't think this is laziness, I think it's memory-related.
Example 1: I always tell him to pack a lunch (I buy lunch supplies/food so he can pack lunch). He doesn't. He prefers to drive 20 min home, eat, and drive 20 min back to work. Well, that doesn't happen very much; either he gets busy at work and doesn't have time to make that 20 min round trip to eat, or, since he doesn't have food with him, he "forgets" to eat lunch and comes home ravenous. I tell him "It's better to pack your lunch, bring it with you to work, and then bring it back home to eat (or eat it at work), than to not pack one, and not be able to eat". He agrees with that statement, but still doesn't pack lunches. I've thrown away more loaves of moldy sandwich bread than I know what to do with.
Example 2: One of his "chores" is to set out meat from the freezer for our dinners. It takes not even a full minute to fill the sink halfway up with water and chuck a baggie of meat into it (edit: I understand this is wrong. We'll be defrosting meat in the refrigerator from now on. My mistake!). He always forgets, so I end up coming home from work to nothing thawed out and having to either speed up defrosting by microwaving it (which halfway cooks it and tastes disgusting) or try to cook it from frozen, which is frustrating. (I'm the one who cooks all the dinners, he's the one who cleans the kitchen and the dishes afterward). Even after putting "Lay Out Dinner Meat" on Wunderlist, he still forgets.
Example 3: I wait 7 days to do laundry. So, I expect to fold 6 of everything: Six pairs of pants, six shirts, six pairs of undies, six pairs of socks, etc. For the past few weeks I've only been folding ONE pair of jeans from him (normally there's only two which is still "wtf") (edit: This is wrong too apparently and jeans don't need to be washed weekly. I'll stop doing that, and chuck a pair in the freezer if they start to smell. Thanks!), and I'm always short on his socks and underwear every time. Essentially he's re-wearing all of his clothes and not putting them in the hamper. That's gross.
For one last example: He kept saying to himself, "I should shave my face and get a haircut" for like... two to three weeks straight. He started to look very scraggly and unprofessional (he's a manager, this is a no-no) but just... didn't do anything about it... until I told him to put a reminder in his phone, and now he has scheduled a haircut. What gives?! He could have done it himself but didn't until I told him to. That puts me in a tough position, because I don't want to be "that wife" who just nags all the time.
I want to know if I'm being unreasonable. I don't think I'm asking for much. Packing a lunch/remembering to eat, wearing clean clothes, keeping up with personal hygiene,... (being a human) basically is something that everyone should be able to do on their own. He should be able to remember to take a few minutes out of his day to contribute to chores without me reminding him. He doesn't though, and I don't think it's laziness, I just think it's a memory-related issue.
Or should I cut him some slack? Really, it's hard to know if I'm just overreacting or being unreasonable sometimes because of my anxiety (I tend to really over-worry and freak out sometimes, but I am actually getting help for it, so I'm working on it). So it would be nice to get some outside perspective. Criticize the shit out of me lol. Thank you!
EDIT to add: He works in an ever-growing IT company. He's the manager of the support department. He deals with the high-profile clients. I know he works hard, and a lot, so we split the house work about 60/40. (I also work full time, but have tons of down time and don't work as hard. I've acknowledged this and even let him know). Still, especially being such an important asset of the company, he should be able to take care of himself without my help, I think.
EDIT to add: He lived with his mother before me who would do 100% of all the chores because of her neat-freak tendencies. I gave him the benefit of the doubt when we first moved in, taught him how to do everything, tried to help him adjust, etc, but now after 5 years he still uses his past as an excuse, which is why I want him to attend therapy. I think he just forgets how to do these things, or knows how but just forgets when they need done. I think he might have an issue with his memory.
EDIT to add: I realize this is my mistake just as much as it is his. One of the main issues I created for us is that I never let him go through a phase of independence between living with his parents and living with me. Sure, I helped him to adjust to this life and to learn how to do things on his own, but I never let him fall on his ass when things went wrong. That's an important life skill to have and I've robbed him of it. I'm not writing off his behavior as just my mistake, but it's a big part of it.
I have anxiety and freak out when things that I think are important aren't done in a reasonable (to me) time frame. Why things need done and when they need done are a big deal to me. My way isn't the best way, and the things that are important to me might not be important at all. I've realized this is my own issue and yes, I am getting help for it and am medicated for it.
At the recommendation of everyone here, I'll be backing off of him. It might be a bit of a shock because I've never not "backed off" so our current dynamic has been common since Day 1. It'll be a struggle for us both (a struggle for me because I hate looking at an unfinished task and not finishing it; a struggle for him because... well... you get it... lol), but I'm hoping me backing off and trying to get my anxiety in check also helps with him. I talked to him briefly yesterday (Long day for us both, we only had little time to talk) and we're in talks about getting him into therapy, so that's a step.
Submitted March 16, 2016 at 12:12AM by t---hrowaway http://ift.tt/1LoV7f4 relationships
No comments:
Post a Comment