Well, technically, it wasn't my very first drink, but it was the drink that sealed my fate as a CA. I had a few beers before this drink, but they usually always put me right to sleep. I drank occasionally, but it was more like rarely. I had no real interest in drinking until this one drink.
I had been involved in a very toxic relationship with a man who was verbally and physically abusive. I was nineteen, he was twenty four. I grew up in a very emotionally dysfunctional home but it wasn't a physically abusive one. I think much of the attraction that I had for this man was because of self-esteem issues I had due to the emotional dysfunction of my parents during my childhood, but I take full responsibility in the role I played in this relationship regardless.
He had a son from a previous marriage and he needed help with him and I needed a new place to stay so we moved in together as a way to conserve money and "help" each other out. My parents were fairly well off and I had told him that I'd help him out all I could. Looking back, I'm pretty sure he was under the impression that my parents would help him out too. That didn't happen and I guess he became resentful.
The abuse began while we were still living together but I didn't recognize it as I'd never experience physical abuse before. He would start fights and arguments over the littlest things and things always got blown out of proportion. Nevertheless, we became engaged. He could be a charming, lovable man one day and an absolute monster the next. He would buy me little monthly anniversary presents one day and the next, be screaming at me because he "imagined" he saw me riding around with a friend of his in some car. Go figure. Dumb me was clueless about this but I thought I loved him and he said he loved me too.
I was involved in a car accident (I was sober at the time), totaled my car, and the insurance settlement paid us about $2000. We had money all of a sudden so naturally what's the next thing to do? Get married! Big mistake.
I mentioned that he had a son from a previous marriage. The sweetest boy I've ever met (other than my own son.) This man would smack him and leave the most horrendous bruises on his body. I would cringe whenever I heard it happening. I wanted to call CPS but he threatened me that if I ever said anything he would kill me. I believed him.
We took the child to a nanny every day so we could go to work. I took the nanny aside one day and told her about the abuse and asked her to call CPS. She did and they came over, saw the bruises on the child, and said everything was okay, and left. I was speechless. I should have said something but I wasn't well. I was sick and in a sick relationship. That relationship would have to be another story altogether. I understand why I didn't do what I was supposed to but I don't excuse myself and still regret it to this day.
Anyway, so we got married and the abuse continued. There was often hitting and the usual knocking around to go along with the yelling and one day, things went sideways. It was about a year and half into our marriage and the little boy was about four and in the bathroom taking a bath at the time, so he heard (as usual) everything that went on. It was over a bill, I remember, that needed to be paid. We were in the kitchen. This man went ballistic. He said "I thought you told me you could help me out when we moved in together?" I said, "I thought I was. I try to help out whenever I can with little son." He proceeded to tear things off the wall and throw kitchen appliances at me. I told him that I was going to to call the police. When this next thing happened, it became crystal clear to me that I had gotten myself into a totally insane situation. He said "Go ahead and call", and handed me the phone. The things that got to me was that he really didn't think I would. I knew I was in trouble then. I quickly called 911 and grabbed the phone from me and hit me with it. He strangled me and threw me across and slammed me against the wall. We ended up in the living room where I kicked him across the coffee table. The 911 call had gone through and they had located us. The police were there, thank goodness.
The police kept him under control while I was able to gather up a few things but I couldn't find my keys. He had hidden them from me. I had an extra set though. I told the police there was a little boy in the bathroom and to please make sure he was okay. They said they would. As I was grabbing things I thought I would need, I opened the refrigerator and saw the bottle of vodka that had been in there for months. I remember saying to myself "I need this more than he does right now."
It was about 10:00 at night when I left. I called a close friend of mine in another town and cried to her and asked her if I could spend the night and of course, she let me. I remember later that night, being alone in the bathroom with my vodka, taking the first drink. Things suddenly became...warm and...better. As I looked at my bruised face and neck in the mirror, suddenly things were alright. I was free from that asshole and I felt GOOD. I continued to drink until I was able to sleep. I had a peaceful, dreamless sleep.
And so it began. Alcohol became the answer to all of my problems. The big ones and the little ones. It became the accompaniment to the good times as well as the bad. If I had an uncomfortable memory or feeling, I just had a drink. If things didn't go well that day, I had a drink. If I felt bad, I had a drink. If I felt happy, I had a drink.
I slowly became a CA.
I would love to hear stories (comments or posts) from others about when you first began drinking...
TLDR: Was in an abusive relationship and started drinking.
Edit: After I left, I tried to help the little boy but since I was had no family relationship to him, I was couldn't do a thing. I believed in God at the time and I prayed for him. If there's a God out there, I hope He took care of him. I've tried to look him up but cannot find him.
Submitted August 05, 2015 at 09:25PM by Pine_Forest_Dweller http://ift.tt/1INe07q cripplingalcoholism
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