Seven years is a hell of a long time for a relationship, especially when we began that relationship when I was 18. You were 26, a big age difference but, hey, it worked. It has worked. But you know, fuck you. I've tried. You've done nothing and you criticize everyone.
You say your sister isn't appreciative to your parents support. You sister, the full time nurse that works 12-15 hours shifts three days in a row while dealing with her crazy ex-boyfriend and one year old son. You are appalled that she doesn't thank your mother more adequately, but, of course, you have no idea what an adequate thank you would be. Yes, your mother is old and not in great shape in the slightest, and yes she's overworked watching your nephew. What would you suggest?
I watch him as often as I can, but I work 6 days a week. Sure I don't work all day but I watch the kid whenever I'm asked, and I offer to come over more often if needed. Your mother is there, as you say, 40 hours a week. You know his father can only be trusted so much because he's batshit insane and keeps threatening to get the baby taken away from yours sister. You and I and everyone else involved knows that it would never happen, but it puts so much stress on your sister that you refuse to recognize. It's her fucking child, and even though in reality it would be incredibly easy for her to get the father's rights taken away given his piss poor situation and refusal to do any better, it's still fucking hard to think about. I should know. My mom went through the same thing with me and my sisters. My dad threatened such bullshit. Both of these men have addictions they refuse to treat and had no interest in getting a job, opting to live with their parents instead of acting like adults, but responsible parents still stress out about it. If nothing else, an investigation would be miserable, even though she'd pass with flying fucking colors.
His grandparents on his father's side watch him too, but they don't want to watch him all the time. They shouldn't have to. They do multiple times a week, but they have lives too. They have jobs and they don't always want to be tied down with a toddler. They have every right to say no, even if their son is an asshole.
And where do you play into this? Oh, you don't. You sit and whine about how this is somehow your problem, and you're the only one that doesn't help watching the kid. He's your nephew! You see him, what, once a month for a couple hours? While you're judging everyone else for not doing "enough", you could be fucking HELPING. You DON'T. So SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT.
You tell me I'm lazy when I don't get out of bed before noon. Guess what, baby, I went to bed well after midnight because I got home from work at almost 1 in the morning. I didn't get several hours to sit and drink and pass out in front of the TV like you did. I didn't get three solid days off to do absolutely nothing. Because I got teeth taken out. And I had to babysit for 8 hours the next day. And then I went to work and put away our delivery for three hours. And then I came home, and I was fucking tired, and I had to go to the store because you had been too drunk to drive for hours.
Yeah, you're a fucking alcoholic. So am I, and I'd probably be drunk as shit too if I could be, but I'm on probation so I can't. And you made it sound like you'd cut back while I was unable to drink, but nah, you drink more. You get shitfaced after work every day, you pass out on the floor or on a nasty mattress you refuse to get rid of (because as much as I hate to sound like you need me, you'd be knee deep in a pile of beer lables and newspapers by now) and if we're really lucky, you piss the bed! You're thirty-fucking-three. I'm 25, and at least while I was on insane benders I was able to recognize it, and admit to it and say "holy fuck, I went through this 5th today, maybe that's a fucking lot of booze".
We like beer. Beer was a thing we shared. I didn't expect you to go totally straight while I was on probation, because it's not your fault (even though you were the one to say that the events leading up to my poor decisions were your fault). You spend hundreds of dollars on booze a month, all the while complaining about how much the electric bill is (you have three refrigerators running for your precious beer), how the house needs so much work (which you'll ask your parents to pay for, because you always do and they always give you the money, and where they get it I have no idea), you whined about wanting a tablet for months (seriously, it would have taken you a couple weeks to save up for one if you didn't blow it all on booze), so I bought you one.
Yeah, I bought you that tablet you wanted so badly. It took half of my paycheck, money that should be going to pay my probation and court fines. And you know, for someone so preachy about showing appreciation, all I got was a drunk fucking text saying "it's great thank you". All the while here I am beating myself up because I really wanted to get you a bigger one, a better one, but this is all I could afford. And I don't need you to buy me anything. I don't want anything. All I wanted was for you to act like a human fucking being for like a week around our 7th anniversary. "Oh, we can go for a walk by the river on Monday", you said. I don't want to go on a fucking walk. I wanted to watch this dumb shit movie with you while you were semi-coherent. You kept saying we were gonna see 'Trainwreck', but I doubt that'll happen. I'll come home for work and you'll be exactly where I expect you to be. You'll tell me I'm so lazy for sitting upstairs in bed while you can't be bothered to get up from your chair.
Why are we still together? Why don't I leave? Well, that's a loaded question. I like not living at home, the grief of this relationship would only be intensified of moving back home and having my mom and sisters and whoever else happens to be living there in my fucking space all the time. I need this address to apply to a new school because I fucking failed out of the community college in my mom's address' district. I like being with you when you're not blackout drunk, moaning some stupid song.
Plus, we both know what'll happen if I leave. It's why you won't kick me out, no matter how much you slur that you want me to leave. You know your bender will only intensify, your house will fall into (more) disrepair, you'll fuck up at work and live in filth. You'll push your family away until they just want nothing to do with you, but your parents will still begrudgingly help you, resenting you more and more every day. You know you'll slip up and lose your job. You know you'll drunkenly text me asking for help, and it'll kill me to either help you or ignore you. I don't want to say these things while you're drunk and being such an asshole, because I don't want to hurt you, as much as you say I do.
Your nephew's father, the man you say you hate so much. What did he do all the time? He refused to help, resented everything asked of him. He sat in the garage and smoked weed and cigarettes. He had a massive collection of empty cigarette packs. You made fun of him for being crazy for collecting all those packs. He said he was thinking of doing something with them, but he just kept them. Dozens of them. He just sat, got fucked up, smoked cigarettes, played video games, and collected his precious useless trash.
You sit downstairs all day. You refuse to help and resent everything asked of you. You sit in your chair and you drink. You keep the bottles and cans, or at least the labels. You've been saying you'll do something with them for years. But you don't. You just collect them. You don't know why anymore, but you'd sacrifice your relationship with me to keep them. You just sit, get fucked up, watch TV and browse online, collecting your precious useless trash.
Get your shit together. Because when I leave, and it'll take me a while, but when I leave it'll be done. I can't deal with this shit. And I'll make it clear that when you write your drunken suicide note, I'll want nothing to do with it. I tried. I fucking try.
Submitted August 24, 2015 at 05:08AM by lixxydoo http://ift.tt/1I5SeH4 offmychest
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