My depression is honestly just getting the best of me. self

I'm a 19 year old girl, if that helps you put this in better perspective, I guess?

Well, anyway. I have crippling depression and anxiety and my family can't afford my medications any more. I was on Lexapro 20mg for anxiety/depression and suicidal thoughts. Abilify 10mg for mood swings, dissociation, and ADHD. I was doing wonderfully during the time I was on them. I had never been better in my life. But it's been months since I've had my medicine... I'm slipping again. I'm not really suicidal, just... I don't really want to exist. I feel like o have to stick a key in my back and wind myself up to get out of bed and do anything other than sleep or eat. I feel like I'm sinking in molasses while wearing concrete shoes.

I've had to break the news to my boyfriend that I'm too depressed to give him the affection he deserves any more. I want to love him, desperately. But I feel nothing. There's a void where all positive feelings used to be. I can't even love my boyfriend any more, because my brain is all screwed up. How sad is that?

I'm so constantly fatigued. Every joint in my body is achy. My muscles are always sore. It's a physical chore to breathe and speak. I'm always short of breath. Socializing, even leaving the house for anything, tires me to the point where I need to come home and take a 6-8 hour "nap."

We can't afford to go the doctor or get my medicines refilled. My mother works a dead-end job at a dollar store, making minimum wage. We're living check to check, barely scraping by. We're eating chili and bread for thanksgiving. I'm not working currently because we don't have enough money to renew my ID. That's about 60 USD. I've never had a job before and don't know if I'll be able to hold one due to my current mental condition.

My dream is to become a cosmetologist... But beauty school, where I'm at, is about $18k for the one year it takes to be certified. But that all feels like a pipe dream now. I just sit at home and hold the fort, waiting til tax returns come in so we can have some extra cash to get my ID.

We don't even have a working refrigerator. We use an ice chest and buy 2 bags of ice every other day. It gets us by. But some days, I wish that milk weren't a luxury. I like ramen, but sometimes I wish we could have McDonald's. I like McDonald's. Double quarter pounders are really good. The last time we had that was when my mom found 10 bucks on the floor at work. It was so good. But I know that I can't get greedy, or ask for too much.

When I get Christmas or birthday money, I give it all to my mom so she can pay bills. What else am I going to do with it? It's not sensible to buy the makeup that I want. So we buy food and pay the bills. It's a little sad. Sad that 98% of our problems can be solved by money. My dad had to cut off the phone bill, since he's bankrupt and living at my grandma's house after having his second stroke in June. He's only 51 and he's already had a heart attack and 2 strokes.

He and mom divorced when I was 6 cause he was abusive. But I still love the man even though he's awkward and antisocial and kinda weird.

I'm only able to be on the internet at all because I have a disconnected phone that can hit my mom's Wi-Fi hotspot. She keeps her phone at home when she goes to work and just calls her cell from the work phone if she needs to contact me.

I've been blessed with a lot of good things and talents. I can sing(even though I have stage fright and don't like to sing in front of people), and I'm good at doing my makeup.

But sometimes, I get really sad because I just barely graduated high school with passing grades even though I'm smart. I just have no motivation or hope for my future. I know I could be making it big right now, if only we had a little more money. I wish we could eat better than we do. We don't starve, but we just eat canned foods and pastas and bread, things like that.

I wish our car worked better, so we could actually go to my grandpa's and spend thanksgiving with him. But my mom has to work tomorrow anyway. We've gotta save gas. And she can't drive far anyway, she's got a '93 Buick regal that's barely keeping up and starts to smoke after driving more than 3 minutes.

I wish a lot of things. But I mostly just wish that I could be happy. I appreciate everything I have, but somehow I still feel so empty and depressed. So worried that I'm being a burden. Upset that I can't do more for my mom right now. I don't know what to do any more. I'm just tired.

I don't really expect anyone to respond to this; how could people on the internet help? This is just misfortune and circumstance. It'll work itself out. I guess. I'm so exhausted of people saying to "stay positive" or "things will get better" when I never had a social life as a teen because of these money problems and my grades; I was always grounded because I never tried in school. I had no motivation to try because of my depression. I was suicidal most of my teenage life and have been hospitalized twice because of it.

I'm at the point of pretty much being resigned to the fate of life always being like this. I just walk around the trailer aimlessly, sighing and staring off into space. I get exhausted and have to stop every 5 minutes while simply doing the dishes from so much stress on my mind.

But this is all out of my hands and I'm just so tired of feeling lonely and depressed and anxious about the future. Starting to wonder if I even want a tomorrow if it's all just going to be the same. I sleep all the time in the hopes that I won't have to deal with reality any more. I simultaneously want to go out and have fun with my friends on adventures like a normal teen, but I also just want to stay inside and cry in the dark.

I don't know any more; I'm just rambling at this point, I'm sorry. I don't expect this to get much attention. I just wanted to put this out there. Let my feelings be known I guess. I don't mean to be attention seeking even though this is what it may look like. I'm just tired of being lonely. I hesitate to tell my friends about what I'm feeling so I don't burden them. I don't like telling my mama what I feel because I don't want her to stress more about me not having my medicine. I don't like to see her cry! It hurts! It hurts a lot. I'm getting a little incoherent here; I'm crying a lot. I'll cut it off here I think.

TL;DR- 19 year old girl who's really depressed that comes from a bad financial situation. Feeling a little lost. Sorry for bothering you guys.

Submitted November 23, 2017 at 05:07AM by rinny-chan http://ift.tt/2jfLSCv self