I [28F] was broken up with 3 months ago today by my first BF [26M] of 7 years. He kicked me out of his apartment and I ended up having to move back in with my parents. My already awful depression took a nosedive and I've spent a lot of time at rock bottom.
The split was fairly amicable apart from some heated words from myself. There wasn't another woman. No bad blood, really. I'm still very much in love with him, and I've spent a lot of time obsessing about wanting him back. Crying over it, being in despair, hating myself for even having the hope. Fighting HARD against my feelings. All it's ever done for me is leave me exhausted.
I finally got in to see a therapist last week, and I tearfully told her about how I hate having these feelings of hope because he's never coming back to me. She told me that I'm not a fortune teller. At first I was annoyed because it felt like more false hope, but I've been thinking about it.
I feel that hope, like many things, is fine in moderation. As long as a hope doesn't become an expectation, or something to be worshiped, it's a perfectly normal thing to experience in the healing process. Hope and realism can co-exist.
I've accepted my feelings as they are now. I still love him and I want him back. It's okay to feel that way, because we were together for nearly a quarter of our lives and you don't just stop feeling this way about someone so quickly. I've stopped fighting the thoughts about whether he's coming back or not, because I don't know the future and anything is possible. It's a waste of time to try and figure out what's going to happen in the future, good OR bad.
I've also accepted that I may not always feel this way, and that's also okay. It's highly unlikely that I'll have these feelings for him forever. I can't control how he feels about me. I'll always have a soft spot for him, but I'm probably not going to spent the rest of my life yearning for him like I am now. I might meet someone else who's way better. I can't comprehend that right now, but that doesn't mean it's not going to happen.
I'm slowly learning to detach the concept of romantic love from any one person. I often hear the usual "you don't miss them, you miss the feeling of being in love." I don't hear much about the fact that you can feel both of those things at the same time. I certainly do. I absolutely miss him as a person, flaws and all. I also miss the feelings I had when we were together. I just try to remind myself that he's not the only person in the world who can make me feel that way.
All I can worry about is me at this point. I've got to get out of this hole I've dug myself. I'm a real fixer-upper. Once I get back on my feet, I'm going to have a good life whether my ex is in it or not. It's not my problem right now. Just like my therapist told me, I'm not a fortune teller.
I'll end this lengthy post with a quote. This is on a magnet on my parents' refrigerator. I bought it for my mom when she was in a funk, but now it's helping me, too:
“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” ― Gilda Radner
Submitted November 27, 2017 at 05:45AM by tehtrintran http://ift.tt/2i87y78 ExNoContact
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