My husband and I dated in a very small city 6years ago during his residency. Then I left for a different city and broke off the relationship... mainly feeling neglected by him, depression after our dog died, wanting to be with my family, being unhappy with my job and wanting to go to a city with better living conditions (bigger and warmer).
Fast forward, my husband got in touch with me 2 years ago to tell me how our (second) dog was doing and we ended up back together. It was a LDR but he seemed to have changed or maybe the conditions changed (no longer in residency)... We've been married for over a year now and needless to say, I'm feeling lost.
When we got back together my life was great. I found my dream job with the government. I was good at what I was doing - I actually worked hard unlike the usual stigma about lazy government workers and was often rewarded. I was on my way up the ladder. I had a lot of friends, had some family, loved the city I lived in and a dream job on top of that. Life couldn't get any better. Unfortunately, my husband lived in a different city to be with his mom, who has stage 4 breast cancer. She's had stage 4 since we started dating 6 years ago but fortunately she's still able to go out with her friends and family with a few down days when she takes her medication. My husband's been grieving 6years ago, and probably even more so today. Every year that she's able to live is a blessing.
About a year ago I ended up moving to the rural area that he's living in close to a small city. Multiple reasons involved of course but mainly because of his mother. The other being his job... what he said was, it's not that my job isn't important but it's much more important for him to be happy with his job obviously due to his income. I knew how hard love was to find and decided to show my commitment to our relationship by moving.
We've been married for over a year now and it's been a bumpy road. It started shortly before our marriage when we asked his mother if it was okay to do a just us wedding. I really wanted her input before we made this big decision because I knew how important she was to my husband. She stated it would be okay but she would like to attend. A few days before our wedding I saw her text to my husband stating how selfish I was and that all of his family should attend the wedding. I was upset because I asked her opinion and her opinion only- months before our wedding and she stated this a mere few days before our wedding and didn't even take my own family into consideration. A lot of my family live in a different country/state unlike his family and she didn't even mention my family only hers. I wasn't against the idea of a formal wedding but we had complicated circumstances (both side of parents being divorced and remarried, hostile relationships between family, etc) so the just us was only to try to reduce drama and benefit the cost. We got married in city hall for $150 with his $100 suit $100 shoes and my $700 used dress $30 shoes from clearance. My ring was .7carat Tiffany which was the smallest of the 3 women in the family despite his significant difference in income (80k vs 420k) in comparison to the rest of the family. Yet, I was frequently described as frivolous from my MIL. I didn't understand her words or actions because we had a great relationship and I especially nice to her due because she's the person that my husband loves most and she's not well.
That was only the beginning... Shortly after we were married we decided that I should move. I asked for her help because my job allowed me to move offices if I had a sick family member. I asked if she could obtain a letter or medical record for me and her answer was no. Few months after when her other daughter in law asked for the same document to go to Disneyland together (I think it's to bypass the lines) she stated yes. I found out later that she didn't want me to move.
Thanksgiving came by and she spilled a bowl of porridge on me. While everyone asked if I was okay and helped me clean up, my MIL just stood against a wall and stared at me. My husband says it was an accident and maybe it was...but an "oops, sorry" would have been nice.
My MIL is a hoarder and I'm on the minimalist side. She has her own 4bedroom home (divorced and lived alone) but stayed a majority of the time at my husband's place and had a lot of stuff at his place. I gave my husband a choice of having his mother move all of her belongings to her home and just having her move back with her own room and counter space in the kitchen or me finding my own apartment to live in till she was very sick and needed help with care or she passed. It's not that she was just a hoarder, the house was infested with ants and flying bugs. I often found molded fruit on the counter (like a 3in round mold on a papaya), expired food (for years), bug infested food, and cookie boxes with cobwebs. She would run the laundry and leave the wet garment in the machine, then put them away which makes everything smell awful. Her pots and pans still had food and grease even though they were "washed". I can't live this way and I didn't think it was fair for her to have 2 homes the way she wanted it. She filled up two of her refrigerators and my husband's so I didn't even have space for food for myself. I needed a space that I could be comfortable and call home. I knew that my husband wanted to be with his mom so I offered them to live together while I live at an apartment close by. MIL stated that she would move out and we agreed to just bring her back with a few belongings but I later found out that her definition of "moving out" meant that she would leave her belongings at his place and she would just stay less often. Despite the conversation my husband and I had, my husband sided with his mom stating that the term "moving out" was gray and had many meanings. It was frustrating because we had a plan.. My husband ended up telling MIL that she had to move her belongings and she broke his favorite cup.. which is not certain if it was her frail hands or emotion. Till this day we still have some of her belongings at our home because she can't fit them in her home.
Months down we were finally somewhat settled and I was at the end of my pregnancy. Yet, I felt I was treated poorly but maybe it was just me... My husband often got mad at me for things that I didn't do wrong. He would tell me to put all of MIL's belongings in her room, then get mad at me for doing it because his mother was upset after looking at her full room. This type of quarrel happened often and I felt that it wasn't healthy for me or our baby and told him while packing a bag that I'll come back when things are better. I told him that he should be with his mom but he didn't like the idea and I ended up staying.
We were working on our finances one day and I thought it was finally time to add each other on each other's bank accounts. I added him to mine but he refused to add me to his main account that has his payroll deposit and some of our utility deductions. My MIL called at 10pm to interrogate my husband about a mortgage deduction on the account. It turns out that it's a joint account between him and his mom. I stated that he was 37 and married, that his mom should not be handling his finances. He claims that she doesn't but that would coincide with the 10pm call. He told me that it was business between him and his mom that I should stay out of it. I feel that this isn't right because if something happens to him I have no access to that account to make sure our bills are cared for.
We ended up doing some marriage counseling but it didn't work out because my husband didn't take it seriously. He would often make jokes about it. The therapist was very biased as well and thought I was a gold digger. When my husband asked if I wanted a Tesla, I told him no. I asked 300k to renovate our home but it's because the house is 4K sq ft and needs a lot of work. I really just wanted a 1500sq ft home that's easy to maintain so we didn't do the reno but we're going back and forth because he loves our current home. Till this day I drive a Hyundai Elantra. I don't shop at high end luxury stores and don't have a hobby anymore. I used to be an Elite Yelper and socially ate while exploring restaurants where I used to live because they had many celebrity restaurants but the food is not nearly as good in a small rural area.
Mother's Day came by 2 months before I was due. My head was ringing and I felt awful. I laid down on the couch to try to rest before our lunch plans with MIL and BIL so that I can try to make it but my husband kept telling me to get up every 15minutes. After a few tries he finally clapped his hands and told me to get off, as if I were a dog. He wanted his mom to have a great Mother's Day even at the cost of getting his sick pregnant wife up. I ended up crying while we took his mom shopping...
Delivery day came and I had my husband promise to not have his family at the hospital because I didn't want to stress about my MIL while I'm delivering. I also wanted my family and his family to see the baby at the same time and my family was coming 2 days after delivery. I knew it was selfish but he promised. It was a promise not kept because he took the baby out while I was in the shower.
We had a difficult baby with latching issues. I saw him yell at the baby and forced a pacifier on her while she was screaming bloody murder. I ended up getting blood and milk blisters, which turned into clogged milk ducts and a huge mastitis. When I had a fever and chills he left to be with his mom. He probably thought I was faking it knowing he had plans with her. When he knew it was real I asked his to try the big baby method, which he did but then told me to put a vacuum on my nipple because it sucks harder. A vacuum is full of germs, and him being a doctor I thought he would know that mastitis was caused by bacteria. I wish he would have called one of his ob gyn friends to ask what to do for his wife because I ended up waiting and going to the ER for surgery. This could have been avoided but even while I was in the ER he called one of his doctor friends and said that I was being ridiculous asking for a breast surgeon (he's a hospitalist) instead of a general surgeon. He made fun of me only to find out that I still had an abscess after surgery.
Scheduling day for work came and my husband forgot our first wedding anniversary and scheduled to work. I got upset and he ended up fixing it but on our actual wedding anniversary, we just exchanged gifts and did nothing. He was spending that day to play games and talk to brother and SIL about their upcoming trip to visit him. I got upset again and he said that we can celebrate all month long, but that also didn't happen.
I know deep down that all of this is a difference of how we were raised but it's been difficult. He's the oldest of 3 siblings and basically had to be the father figure when his mom was sick and divorced. But it felt like she treated him like a spouse more than a son. She relies on him emotionally very strongly saying that she doesn't want to die, that she wants to live and see things. She was sleeping on our bed while we were gone. She buys him clothes and he wears them but when I buy something he says that I'm trying to make everything new by replacing his clothes.
I don't think that he's a horrible father and husband. He has his good days too. He helps with the baby sometimes (maybe a quarter of fifth overall of a day). He does house chores like running our robot vacuum, dusting and more hubby duties like fixing things around the house. I know that there's far worse with cheating and beating loser husband... But I'm at lost on what to do for our issues.
I'm so committed to the relationship that I gave up a lot for him but he doesn't have the same commitment. Before we got married he told me that we would be willing to move back to where I lived once his mom passed because his job isn't going so great and his brother was getting married and living his own life. Later- he told me that he changed his mind. He isn't willing to do the same for me- moving, I gave up my dream job, friends, family, and happiness where I lived. It's like he doesn't know that it was sacrifice. He's never thanked me, only says that he feels bad for me. I shouldn't have to be completely selfless in a relationship, but it feels this way at times. I don't feel loved. For the longest time I had to ask for cuddles and initiate holding hands. Today, we do none of this sort. I feel like our marriage is missing the basic elements of love, communication and honesty.
He asked me to come all the way out here and he couldn't even be the shoulder for me to lean and cry on. Instead he went to my family and blamed my social situation (not having friends in the new city) and pregnancy/postpartum.
Tl;dr been married for a year and MIL issues which caused him to be cold towards me are breaking up our marriage
Submitted October 20, 2017 at 02:14AM by fireheadwife http://ift.tt/2x93E01 Marriage
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