Im sitting here, in a dark room. Surrounded by dirty stale clothing, clothes that don't fit, Ive gained weight from eating so much junk food. Rotten milk in the refrigerator, and molded bread in the kitchen. Bags of rotting fast food on my desk and floor. No messages on my phone. My mom is never home much, neither is my sister.
I know, Im in college, I should be able to get the groceries but I just, I find getting McDonalds easier. I know I could work out, and go out, but I just don't feel like embarrassing myself out running. I know I should clean up, but I just don't care. One of my "pals" posted on social media she wanted to hang out with people today, I asked if I could join, she said she cancelled anyway, then posted pictures of her going out with different people. I made a nail appointment, with my what I thought to be best friend, We were gonna get our nails done, and hang out. She ditched me to go on a date with a guy she met a day ago.
My sister is the most popular girl at school, my mom bough her a gym membership so she is skinny and tanned from going out so much, even though she is just going into high school she goes out to party and get drunk and high with her friends.
My mom never let me do anything like that when I was her age. It was always, study, school is more important, maybe thats why I have no friends.
I sit fat and pale, I Skype my boyfriend for maybe an hour and then he falls asleep or gets depressed, he's in the same boat. We are long distance and its been a year since Ive seen him face to face.
I hate everything. My mom sits there worried when she comes home. All I do now is sit and stare at a wall for hours. Not even TV makes me happy anymore, its like watching everyone have fun except you.
If its not depression its anxiety, and that one is worse I think.
I have a therapist, the 15th one Ive seen in my life, it works for a bit and then it all goes down hill again.
Ive taken all medication under the sun. You name it. Prozac, Cymbalta, Effexor, Pristiq, etc. None work. They feel like nothing. Xanax, Adavan, Weed... nothing. The weed just made me paranoid.
All college kids my age want to party and get drunk and wasted and get high. I just feel like I wold be disappointing my mother if I did that. I don't mean to sound straightedge, but I don't see the point in those things. I don't wanna make a mistake, I have a long term boyfriend, and he would be disappointed too Im not gonna lie.
I hate my life.
Submitted July 03, 2017 at 09:30AM by pinkpeoniesblueskies http://ift.tt/2tH2vyH SuicideWatch
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