My husband and I have been married for less than a year. We have been together about four years. I am trying to decide if I need to leave this relationship; if not, I am trying to decide what work I need to do on me to help things heal.
We have had a rocky relationship with some really great patches. Right now, I have three main problems with the relationship.
Refusal to take ownership of problems/be the first to move
Two days ago, we got into a fight. We were having a political debate, and I felt like he was being smug and condescending. I said that I felt like I was getting talked down to and that I didn't like it. He said he was just arguing his point as forcefully as I was arguing mine. I said that I didn't think I was arguing my point in a way that made him feel small, and he was coming off in a way that made me feel small. He told me I was being ridiculous. I pretty much lost it. I told him he was coming across as smug and arrogant, and that he was not talking to me the way a husband should talk to a wife. He repeated that he was just arguing his point as forcefully as I was. And I ended up calling him immature and being kind of a bitch—I am not proud of how much I lost control of my tongue.
I apologized for my part on Saturday and asked him if we could talk about what triggered the fight that night. He said he wasn't ready. Fine, no big deal. I slept on the couch Saturday night to give him space. On Sunday, I once again tried to start a conversation about what had happened, opening with another apology. He told me I was just trying to pick another fight and that I should "get out of his apartment" (see below). It is now Monday and I have made several repair attempts. He has made zero. He got ready for work this morning in total silence, only telling me that he would "see me tonight" before he left.
I feel like both partners have a responsibility to be the first to move towards reconciliation. In this case, I was clearly more at fault, so it’s fine I had to move first here. However, I also have to move first in cases where he is clearly more at fault. Moreover, he has not made any efforts to reconcile whatsoever since the fight; this is normal behavior for him. I have raised this concern many times before; there has been no change in his behavior.
I also feel bummed out he is not willing to take a critical look at how he contributes to arguments (and others). I have a long way to go to being an amazing, kids-brag-about-their-parents-marriage spouse, but I'd really, really like to get there. It's a huge priority for me, and I would love for it to be a huge priority for him. I don't feel like he is emotionally equipped to address some of the issues in our relationship, and I don't feel like he's really sold out on the idea of doing so.
TL;DR; I want a husband who is fired up about being a great husband and is equipped to take a critical look at himself. I don't feel like I have one. Is this alone reason to leave?
Long emotional refractory period
This problem is somewhat related to the above, but I am concerned by how long it takes him to bounce back from a setback or argument. As described above, we had a fight that got pretty heated on Saturday. I would rate it maybe a 6/10 on the fight scale. I was mean and I regret it, but I did not threaten divorce or anything on that level. He has not bounced back.
This is part of a pattern. He will take up to four or five days to bounce back from an argument. In the interim, he will mope, snap, and generally act petulantly. Moping here includes ignoring questions, refusing to engage in normal conversation (e.g., I ask "how was your day," and there is no "how was your day" back). At bare minimum, I expect him to say "hey, I don't want to talk right now" and then get to a place where he can contribute to the relationship within, oh, twelve hours or so. Is this a ridiculous expectation?
He takes a similarly long time to bounce back from setbacks at work or with his family. In periods of stress, he engages in the same moping behavior. It will last as long as the stress does. In the interim, I don’t really have a husband; I have a sulking teenager.
I have brought this up before. There has been no real movement on developing better bounce back skills.
TL;DR; My husband mopes when he is stressed or upset for a period that I find troublingly long. Is this grounds to leave?
Failure to unify as husband and wife
I was raised that marriage is a union of two people, where you deliberately merge into a single team. I do not feel that we are doing this successfully.
We have been married less than a year. We still do not have unified finances, despite my repeated requests that we make progress on that front. We don’t even share shelves in the refrigerator; my husband insists that we would need to “discuss ground rules” before we could do so. We do no grocery shopping together. I am currently at home while I job hunt and could easily do all of the errands, but he insists he wants to do his own stuff. If I clean the apartment during the week, he will reclean it over the weekend without asking if I’ve already done the chore in question.
In arguments, my husband has taken to telling me to move out of shared apartment by saying “get the [expletive] out of my apartment.” We moved into said apartment together as a married couple.
I want a unified team, and I want a teammate who is committed to me and our relationship. At bare minimum, I want to share refrigerator shelves without a U.N. negotiation and formal discussion first. I want a partner who will let me contribute to the household’s labor instead of
(I tried just putting stuff on “his” shelf before he informed me about his separate shelf theory, and he moved it to “my” shelf. FWIW, my shelf is the bottom one. He took the top shelf for himself.)
TL;DR: I don’t feel like my husband and I share common understandings of marriage, and I feel pretty disrespected and shut out by his understanding.
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I know these are serious issues. How long do I stick around before I leave? I really do want to make this marriage work. I am considering getting a hotel for a few days starting today to clear my head, but I am concerned that leaving today while he’s at work would be spiteful and make things worse.
TL;DR; : Husband has told me two or three times during fights to move out of our shared apartment, including yesterday. Would doing so today be overly dramatic? In addition, how long should I stay in this relationship before giving up?
Submitted August 24, 2015 at 07:50PM by throwaway12342143 http://ift.tt/1V4DlOw relationships
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