I've been wanting to curb or quit my drinking for a long time now. I didn't know this sub existed until last night, when I was researching Chris Hardwick's struggles with alcoholism, and I came across this post. I spent a good portion of last night crying into my cocktail while reading all of the posts people have submitted recently. The emotions really got to me, and I wanted to respond to so many about how similar my situation was, but I forced myself not to. Today I poured the rest of my vodka down the kitchen sink so that I could make this post sober.
I am an alcoholic. I have been since 2004/2005, when I was 21 and began habitually drinking in college. The stress of being in class for 12 hours straight (9am - 9pm solid course block) caused me to seek some relief: a 24oz corona from the corner store. It allowed me to relax and fall asleep a little easier. It seemed harmless at the time. But it became my routine. It was also the first time I started drinking non-socially.
Two years later I'm in grad school. I keep a 30 pack of Natural Ice in my kitchenette size refrigerator at all times and knocking back at least 6 a night.
Two years later I'm working freelance living in a shitty studio apartment. I eat instant ramen and frozen vegetables, and keep a 1.75L handle of Popov in my freezer at all times. I mix it with club soda and that terrible RealLemon lime juice. It must be replaced every 2 - 3 days.
Two years later I'm working as a research engineer for a prestigious university. At this point I'm either drinking a bottle and a half of cheap pinot grijio, killing a twelve pack of nati ice, or downing a few 750ml bottles of very strong Indian beer.
Two years later I have a great paying dream job and I'm living in Europe. I work with great people and develop great projects. At this point in my life I have a chemical compulsion to leave work early enough to get to the grocery store for alcohol before it closes (everything in the small town closed at 8pm) otherwise I will be out at the bars drinking by myself until they close at midnight (which did happen on occasion). I always preferred to drink at home on my computer. It was also at this point that I went from a size 30 waist to size 34 in about 6 months. A lot of that had to do with a pretty significant change in diet, but there was also a lot of beer involved.
Two years later and I am back in the US. I have somehow managed to create a positive reputation for myself in my field of profession (regardless of getting drunk every night for a decade), and I am happy with my career choices. I still have been drinking habitually until today.
I have always had this "work hard, play hard" mentality to justify this behavior as okay. I have been actively ignoring where drinking has affected me the most, which has been my physical and mental health. I have a long (family) history of clinical depression and chronic anxiety, as well as sleep trouble and digestive issues. While the drinking sedates me into a sense of happiness, lets me forget my responsibilities, and knocks me out so I'm not kept up all night thinking about and getting angry over conversations I had years ago, it also has been gradually destroying my digestive system.
I tried to motivate myself recently to eat better and start exercising, but I have no motivation to exercise in the morning when I wake up in the afternoon hungover. I have no incentive to eat better when my hunger is always accompanied with nausea. It's nearly 10pm and I haven't eaten anything solid today. I realized admitted to myself that this is the change that I need to make to help facilitate the other changes I want to see in my life. I have stopped drinking before, and it feels great. My appetite comes back after a few days since I'm not nauseous all the time, and I just feel overall better. It lasts a week or two until I feel so good that I decide "I've earned it" and allow myself a beer or glass of wine to celebrate. It's only another week or two after that until I'm back to the same alcoholic state I was in before. I want to make it count this time.
- I'm tired of feeling like throwing up every morning.
- I'm tired of sweating so fucking much.
- I'm tired of the way I don't take care of myself.
- I'm tired of thinking about where my next drink will come from.
- I'm tired of worrying about what I did or said last night while I was blacked out.
- I'm tired of injuring myself (I have multiple scars due to falling while drunk).
- I want to be able to eat a normal meal again.
- I want to be happy and comfortable with my body.
- I want to be in control of my own life.
TL;DR: Thanks for being a community. Your stories have been inspiring. I'm going to make a change starting today.
Submitted August 06, 2015 at 10:53AM by BikesNotBeers http://ift.tt/1OSn2QS stopdrinking
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