As I begin this post, I know that it will end up being a long one. To fully express what prompted this post and that title will take some backstory.
I am an adult woman, I live alone and I have been struggling with depression for decades.
Even when I was a teenager I put on that false front in order to make it seem like I was enjoying my life. I acted out (I was married and divorced three times before I was 21). I haven't been married since. When I was 25 I managed to go back to school and a BA in English.
It was always the "self punishing" relationships that I had to involve myself in that undermined my success/progress. Those desires have finally fizzled out and that's a good thing.
The BAD thing is that my younger brother, only sibling and the ONLY person in this world who really got me died this past September. I couldn't even make it to his funeral because of funds and I lost a big chunk of my soul because of that. My brother died in PA, I live in GA, a state that I never dreamed I would live in (another whole long story)and I have no relatives or *real * friends to speak of. I live in a very remote, area and I have no vehicle..blah, blah, blah.
One of the things that keeps me grounded are my cats, (Cue: Crazy Cat Lady music) I have quite a few (rescues) of them because I never had the funds to get them "fixed" you can read that story (here) [http://ift.tt/1CRzslL my first...or close to first reddit post. The short story about that is that when my cats ALL got sick it was because of /r/Assistance, that I finally got some relief. I will always be grateful for the extraordinary that "live" in that sub.
My cat "situation" is getting better by the day and this coming Thursday will be the day that all of my un-altered cats will get "altered" at no charge. For that I am so very grateful, yet even with such amazingly positive turn of events, I am still so incredibly sad. After what just happened, fifteen minutes before I sat down, looked for somewhere to turn, found this sub and started this post, there are no words for how desolate I feel.
I get monthly medications to help me "cope." No one understands how I can be so gloomy when things are picking up. No one ever will understand unless they too are held hostage by depression.
My last psychiatrist visit was this past Monday and the doctor wanted to send me to the hospital. I wanted to go in a way, just to "get away from it all" as they say, but, I could never do that at this point in time because of my cats (I'm not a hoarder...I know saying that makes it seem like I really am...and again, blah, blah, blah. Believe it or not, I'm about to get to the point and validate my title.
In the community (if you can call it that) where I live there is a gathering area for people to hang out. I don't go there often because I really don't have anything in common with the people that congregate there night after night and disperse at the same time. I did try to "blend in" but, it just doesn't work. But, I planned to "give it a go" one more time.
The owner of this trailer-hood is a really decent man and he hosts cook outs periodically and today there is going to be a holiday BBQ. On the menu is smoked pig and goat.
When they brought the meat yesterday, the pig was already "dressed" and ready to place in the smoker, but, I was appalled to see a living goat in a cage directly in front of the "seating area" of the "cabana" as they call it around here. The goat was small and had some kind of issue with its leg but, it wasn't in pain. For some reason they didn't "dispatch" it yesterday and it spent the night in my landlord's yard. When I spoke to him yesterday, it sounded like he was going to keep it.
This morning, just as I was checking to see if there was room for the macaroni salad that I made last night in the bigger, colder (my fridge is having issues) refrigerator at the cabana, the "grill masters" began slitting that little goat's throat.
I will never get that sad terrorized bleating and terrible, terrible last gurgling sound out of my mind. My soul feels shattered....The horror of that sound will haunt me forever.
I know where meat comes from. I know that the manner in which this wretched little creature was "dispatched" is preferable, by far, to death by factory farm. What I didn't know was what slaughter sounded like.
Now, I do and I am in despair. That poor pathetic little creature died a horrible death. I am not going to attend that "BBQ" and I will never put a piece of meat past my lips again.
Will someone PLEASE help me through this?
TL;dr I heard a goat get slaughtered and it shattered my soul. I can't stop crying because I can't stop hearing the cries it made as it strangled in its own blood.
Submitted July 04, 2015 at 06:48PM by AleciaQou http://ift.tt/1CRzslN depression
No comments:
Post a Comment