Like all good stories, this one starts with an introduction.
I'm theserpentsmiles. And this story includes my wife /u/autumnsilver 's family. (Whom has been included for obvious reasons. Or rather, they will be more self evident towards the end). Now, normally, I tend to write things as a narrative or full story, but I have been reading a bit of Dale Carnegie, plus, the FPS community tends to give an over the shoulder conversation. So, I will try and keep to a similar tone.
Our cast of characters:
- Theserpentsmiles: Me. Early 30s Shit Lord in Training. (For my /r/loseit peeps CW:308 SW:375 GW:190)
- Autumnsilver: Who I usually reference as the wife. Mid 30s Shit Lady in Training (Again for the /r/loseit peeps CW:205 SW:243 GW:140)
- Brother_Embarassing: Early 30s Hambeast. Male Nurse. Ballpark H/W: 425, 6ft
- The Triangle: Brother_Embarassing's Wife. Perpetually Unemployed. Ballpark H/W: 325, 5'5"
- The Mother: Has no real purpose in this story other than as an enabler. For the purposes of this story, just pretend she is the Nanny from Muppet Babies
Before we start this story you need to understand that Christmas is an event on the in-laws side of my family. And it usually happens that we spend a week flown to the East Coast from our happy Chicago to celebrate. Speaking of Christmas, here is some mood music. Still, the whole family gets together and as in most families a lot of gifts are purchased together for like sized people (similar sized women get similar sweaters, guys all get the same socks etc)- trust me this matters later.
Now, to our story.
The morning after our landing to visit for the Holiday was fairly normal. The Wife and I woke up and made our way downstairs in The Mother's house. We made some breakfast and after cleared the dishes. There were a handful of minor chores to address and as we were given free room & board from The Mother, we obliged to take out the trash etc. Close to the middle of the day Brother_Embarassing came up from his cave in the basement to the kitchen. He stood in all his glory before the refrigerator and cracked open a fresh half gallon of chocolate milk. Did he get a glass? --Oh you know he didn't. No BE made sure to start gulping down that chocolate filled bovine lactate as fast as he could. There are dairy farmers who wish they could get sickly calves to drink milk half as fast as he did. And in but a few seconds that half gallon was an empty plastic shell hurled to the trash. But was my brotherly hamplanet done?--Oh you know he wasn't. A gallon of whole milk was produced from the chill chest and graciously joined with a large glass to the kitchen island. That corpulent glass was accompanied with a box of powdered donuts. And do you think that gallon of milk or that box of donuts made it?--Oh you know they didn't. When The Mother came through the kitchen she chastised Brother_Embarassing in a classic 90s sitcom mother tone exclaiming that if he did not start slowing down he was going to have a heart attack. To which The Triangle emerged from the same cave as BE and brought with her the tray of medication that BE had to take for his condishuns. Sadly, he did have a big pile of condishuns but most of them could have been remediated by not being a hamplanet. Once the Triangle was done administering the needed meds she turned herself to the glorious fridge and had her way at the night before's left over pizzas...all of them.
[Ran out of Characters. Posting Part 2]
Submitted August 01, 2015 at 07:06AM by theserpentsmiles http://ift.tt/1IzTE1A fatpeoplestories
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