It's not a very good thing to ask people here for evaluation or re-evaluation. But I felt like my lived experiences are very different than many people here and I am not sure what to feel about it. Sorry for a long post and bad use of language since I'm not an English speaker. It's just something I worry on and off.
So for the story, I was diagnosed at 6 or 7 with asperger's due to problem mainly regarding to impulse controls, breaking the rules and emotions in primary school, coupled with higher IQ at that time. Which meant I had to get moved to other school with special education service.
Although I was professionally diagnosed, I didn't seem to receive any treatment that many people found helpful and wished they were getting as a child. Or there was some treatment, but It has never addressed my own problems. Not at all. And I felt like being in special education actually hinders my progress, at the point, I wasn't even trying to act normal to be accepted.
In my believe, even 'neurotypicals' need to learn social skills. by environment. it is their need t do. But somehow, my will to fit in the school has been stripped. every students knew for the official reason that I were not considered normal.
I am not sure if I am being honest here though, I found myself to be more innate with reading social cues compared to most experiences described by people here, although my impulsivity always got me troubles. As well as my general inattentiveness in what people were saying and doing when I was younger. I used to disregard their feeling even though I knew what to do. Always felt entitled to everything as a kid or use words to intentionally put down people. Although as I grew up I learned the manners, by myself, without any medical intervention. Now my social skills are improved a lot and can get into new groups easier. Sarcasm or non-literalness use of word has also never been my problems.
Sensory issues are not much of my problems too, Never felt like light or sound around me being too overwhelming. No picky eating or a specific texture I dislikes greatly. many would consider it the source of autism symptoms, but I don't relate well to spectrumites on this part.
I did have frequent 'meltdowns' as a child, but compared to what people here are describing. I never had 'sensory related' meltdown. It has always been more like a tantrum, with audience needed, without any repetitive bodily gestures too. I cried and get angry in the way that I have an idea I wanted something, and always being of emotional with discernible cause and effect. Being about other people and relationship most of the time.
I used to have obsessions as a child though, but it has waned. Someone, my mind has never gone on over-obsessing something that it causes problems in other aspects of life anymore. I still have deep interests that come and go, but it'd just be a hobbies like any do that I can even get bored of it times to time!. I have also had no adherence to routine at all, I can cope well with changes and unexpected events.
I like to procrastinate, but always catch up on the deadline of everything so I have never got really bad on the academic parts. Most of my executive function are ok, especially if I was forced to live on my own. But I still have problems on this part sometimes I think.
Now at the age of 20, most of my core autistic symptoms are gone. Even if I'm not the most social person out there, I have friends and go out for social events regularly. The only problems that comes up occasionally would be anxiety about judgement, from deep rooted fear if someone would see me as autistic.
There was something very strange to me that happened a few years ago, I was starting at a new boarding school, and starts being independent in the first time. Forcing me to take a lot of responsibility myself.
This is where I felt like I have changed so much, a lot of social skills comes to me just by looking, I seem to be aware of my environment more. And gained a group of friends (which didn't last till the end by the way). And for some reason, my attention to details or deep interests are reduced, the trait many regarded as being useful in autism, just as I gained these NT-like skills. As if my brain has rewired to shares some of its bandwidth to these parts.
I start to wonder again, I have always felt like the diagnosis and treatment was never truly fit. I always opposed the psychiatrist that gave me the opinion. A lot of things seem like I has always been on the milder and squeezed into criteria. But I had a big 'impairment' on emotional temperament that getting a diagnosis would get me some professional. even if what I really wanted never came. I have spoken to my housemaster/teacher at the new school once about this, but he said that I didn't look asperger's, from his 30 years teaching experience. (although this can be chalked to these threads of 'people don't think you look autistic enough' and not a good argument)
Somehow, I might actually be autistic which has learned to cope well enough to not appear like one like many side. But if I were to get diagnosed again. I wouldn't get the label.
This doesn't mean that I am a truly 'neurotypical' though, I might have other mental issues. I felt the description of ADHD. Coupled with a cluster B personality disorders fits my experience more. (And those are the things many autistic people are misdiagnosed with). The term 'Broader Autism Phenotype' might also fits, but I don't think I relate to full-blown autistic like sensory procession.
Speaking of my family, both of my parents are very harsh and critical. That could see imperfection in everything I did, even before I got my diagnosis, although I could see them pushes me for the label as they might have believed it might perfect me in some way. They were hard working people that weren't with me all the time when I was very young.
I wouldn't call them outright abusive, they are loving in their intention. Just they resort to what we would be verbal and physical abuses a lot of times, but I can see it in disciplining light. As well as their mix of overprotective and neglectful. (Sort of similar to harmful refrigerator mom theory, it is debunked. I only use it as a comparision) So an ingrained psychological effect is possible.
They don't seem to have prominent autistic traits other than their perfectionism and rigidity, my mom has a bit of anger issues but control that well enough in public, and they can be both very charming in social settings.
My younger sister, is one of the more social person I have seen in my life, but shares anger and emotions issues with me, only more controlled in public. She's never got diagnosed with anything. and it seems like my parents are more kind and relaxed with her. If upbringing matters.
It's a better luck that we have a less strict rules on medical records in my country, and I have got around not having to use it. My parents are convinced that the diagnosis might be wrong, but sort of left it as something they'll never talk about again. The loophole made it possible to erase the records, but I have never been truly re-evaluated, due to their suggestion 'What if they confirmed that you are really autistic' (Although I might seek it by myself when I am more independent financially)
So what should I feel?
But Now I feel like in a limbo, I wanted to believe I can change myself to be better with society and people innately. Neuroplasticity gives me hope, but most of autism advocates keep saying that I can only cope. Neurology and brain wiring, can never be changed. and there should be no cure for autism if it was to be made, as it will destroy the personalities that made those people.
But if there was a cure, I'd take it to make sure it's just not some impermanence coping skills. Even If I made myself fit in the larger society enough.
I don't relate truly, especially now, with people on spectrum in the way they process things. I might be only have a half of it, being a BAP, or having something else that mimics the condition. But if I used to be diagnosed professionally once, It could be just a denial of someone. Who was definitely an introverted assholish hothead, bad at working with people. (I'm much more social and agreeable now)
Maybe I am becoming autistic in my obsessiveness to find the truth of my brain (something that isn't physically diagnosed). Autism advocates peer pressured me into doubting my doubt again.
Tl;dr Was diagnosed with asperger's as a child, doesn't feel like it fits my problems although used to have bad social and emotion control problems. Not getting any proper treatment except being forced into another special education school which made things worse. Got much better after starting to live independently, losing some good sides of autistic processing as well (feel more NT). Still have some sub-clinical autistic traits. Now conflicted between autism community peer pressure and my own denialistic and possibly delusional aspiration to fix myself
Submitted August 31, 2017 at 05:06PM by DuckWithASatchel http://ift.tt/2gr21Hy aspergers
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