The usual depression

Whatever my brand of unhappiness is, depression/anxiety/self image issues, it's been an ugly & embarrassing cyst in the back of my brain for at least a decade now. I don't respect the phrase, "I have anxiety and depression" very much, I guess because of its association with me.

I feel like as time goes by, the majority of my collected thoughts, experiences, and memories are stained by this illness. I only get reminded of one or the other if it's a chance to clench my fists and teeth in jarring embarrassment or dread. As my hoarder collection of bad moments grows, it feels like the only way to keep my sanity is to stay in my little comfort bubble: a picture of stability versus boredom.

I avoid new or possibly challenging things because the fear of failure is too great. Any small failure lets my toxic self image complex go completely ham on the situation. It's not so much a snowball down a mountainside as much as it is dropping straight off a cliff. For example, in this last week I remember having a suicidal ideation over pulling breakfast items out of cabinets & the refrigerator in an inefficient order. Evidently I can't bring myself to just descend into breakfast time hedonism, tossing aside any concerns for efficiency or breakfast perfection. I can't ever waste an opportunity for extreme self criticism. Video games even used to be a huge pastime, though now it's just too much challenge & risk for failure. Resulting: just boredom. All the time.

Back maybe when I was 18, I felt like it was easier to articulate such acute thoughts of self loathing. Part way into adulthood now, 25, they've added up into this repetitive, indistinct, wordless cloud that reassures me of there being nothing in this world for me to enjoy.

I've managed to keep an unchallenging job that gifts me independence & stability, and I stay functional enough. I've taken a low dosage of an anti-depressant for a couple years now. I tend to snap at criticisms, I've withdrawn from most friend circles in this last six months. I did attempt suicide once in more extreme circumstances, about two years ago with a loaded gun. Normally, suicide's just a frequent & mild ideation. Things in my life just feel like so much of a mess that I'd rather just delete the save file so to speak. My mind landscape is perpetually this storm of bats: Incomprehensible uncertainty about anything or everything, all congregating to agree with & validate eachother on my lack of worth.

I'm not sure where to start, to find my rock, to climb out of it; More so than death, I fear becoming some stagnant, toxic asshole without any monument or achievement for his years on Earth.

Submitted August 28, 2017 at 12:38PM by BatPotatoes http://ift.tt/2vjGuXY depression