I apologize in advance as this post will almost certainly turn into a lengthy rant. Please bear with me.
I'll start by saying I am convinced that I am suffering from drug induced schizophrenia after ingesting some marijuana edibles for the first time. Here's a little background info/history on me. I am 31 & have basically zero experience with drugs in general besides smoking weed a few times in high school & even then my tolerance level was extremely low. I would take one or 2 hits & have to call it quits. I never liked the way weed affected me. It made me very anxious & paranoid. Once when I was 15 I visually hallucinated while high on marijuana & it scared the crap out of me so bad I never touched the stuff again.... Until recently.
My nightmare began 47 days ago, on Mother's Day. I was in the kitchen with my sister & her boyfriend around 10am when they offered me some marijuana edibles. I tried to decline & must've said no at least 3 times but my sister was insistent & essentially guilted me so eventually I succumbed to peer pressure. She poured me 2 shots of this lemon lime soda drink & after I declared it tasted like shit she handed me this cookie & I ate the entire thing. Each edible I consumed, as far as I was told, was a 10mg serving, so in total I had 30mg of THC. I now know that the recommended dosage for a beginner is 5mg. I have no idea why my sister, a regular marijuana user for many years, would recklessly give me such a large amount. About 15 minutes after ingestion I started the descent into hell.
The high hit me like a truck & I pretty much instantaneously went into a severe panic attack. My first one ever. My sister was too preoccupied with her boyfriend so I sat in my room alone completely freaking out for hours. I still remember it very vividly but I'm reluctant to describe it in detail as it was extremely terrifying. I remember wanting to call 911 or call out for help but I couldn't speak & when I tried to get up to walk I was so disoriented I couldn't find my phone or the door. I remember the sound of my own voice desperately screaming out for help inside my own head. Eventually, after who knows how long, I somehow managed to crawl completely under my blanket like a cave, curl into a little ball, & will myself to sleep. I just kept telling myself everything was going to be OK, that I was going to be OK, & this would all pass. I told myself that all I had to do was go to sleep & it'd be over soon & when I woke up everything would be back to normal.NOTHING WAS EVER NORMAL AGAIN! Later that same night my sister woke me up around 6pm because we had tickets to see a movie. All I wanted to do was sleep but she guilted me yet again so I got up & went. At this point I still felt strange. I couldn't put my finger on it but I was very cognizant that something was different. The whole world seemed a little "off" I now believe this experience to have been some depersonalization, which I am still currently experiencing, but at the time I was able to ignore it because I figured I was just still stoned. The next day I get up around 8am & everything still looks & feels strange but again I dismiss it as me just having a high hangover. Fast forward to the next day, & the entire world still looked & felt funny. This is when I began to suspect something was wrong. Surely I couldn't still be feeling the effects of the weed 2 whole days later... Then my life started to unravel & the next 47 days were like an emotional & mental rollercoaster that I couldn't get off. I suddenly felt constant severe anxiety & panic, for 3 consecutive days I felt like no matter how much I breathed I wasn't getting enough oxygen & was slowly suffocating, I checked myself into the ER & found out I had diabetes. I had & still have no appetite. I stopped eating completely for 2 weeks.I manage to force myself to eat now some days. I have constant tinnitus, & tension headaches & muscle aches. I sometimes gag spontaneously outta nowhere for no reason. I'm sensitive to noise, even the sound of the refrigerator made me agitated, & smells. I had to go around the entire house & unplug all the air fresheners because they were too strong. I started crying excessively for no reason. I had overwhelming restlessness & agitation. I would get snappy & hostile. I can't sleep!!! For the past 47 days I have not slept more than 4 hours a night & during those 4 hours I wake up repeatedly. No matter what time I go to bed I can't sleep past 3am ever. I pace & fidget & other purposeless movements. Eventually I stopped being able to cry or feel much of anything.I felt distant & disconnected from everyone I loved. My face seemed to look flat & lack emotion. I lost interest in anything & everything I ever enjoyed doing. I had to send my son away to his dad's for the summer cuz I couldn't take care of him in this state. I can barely take care of myself. I don't shower or clean or do laundry. I have experienced some paranoia. When I talk to my son on the phone it always sounds like he's unhappy to talk with me & I feel like his father is monitoring our conversations & I start worrying his dad is trying to turn him against me. I felt intense guilt over things i hadnt even thought about in years...There are numerous other signs/symptoms I am experiencing but this has probably already turned into semi incoherent rambling.
So shortly after all this began I knew I needed to seek help from a mental health professional. Currently I have already met with a therapist twice & once with a psychologist to undergo an evaluation. They have diagnosed me with BPD, Anxiety, & PTSD. You'd think an official diagnosis from a professional would ease my fears but it doesn't make sense to me. I've known I had BPD & anxiety since I was a teenager. It has never been this severely debilitating. I have never experienced anything like this ever.
After doing some research I read some things theorizing that marijuana usage can trigger the onset of schizophrenia in individuals with a predisposition for the tillness. This makes perfect sense to me. I am genetically susceptible because my aunt is schizophrenic & mental illnese s runs rampid in my gene pool. Apparently there are also some environmental factors that increase the risk such as stress, life changes, & traumatic events like the death of a loved one. Again, this all made sense. My life has changed drastically in a little over a year. In June of last year my grandfather passed away & it effected me profoundly. After his death a lot of family drama ensued & it became too much to handle so in August of that same year I decided to move from California to Washington State to live with my sister. It took everything I had to pack up my life & move away from everything & everyone I knew. Leaving my mom was the hardest. I'm a momma's girl & have what most would describe as an unhealthy attachment to me mother. Going from seeing her everyday to talking to her for 5 minutes once a month made me feel depressed. Here in WA I didn't know anybody except my sister & she was always gone. I would go weeks without seeing her so I've spent the majority of the past 11 months basically in isolation. When I would see my sister we would get into bad fights that drove me deeper into depression. I don't know why I didn't just move back to CA. I think I felt like there was no going back, I was just stuck. Anyway.....
In conclusion I guess I feel like my grandfather's death, my move & the subsequent isolation, the separation from my mother, the stress from my living situation & the extra push from the marijuana was too much for me too handle & my brain just snapped. I feel like I know what's happening to me & everyone easily dismissing it is beyond frustrating & since schizophrenia is rarely diagnosed in the prodromal stage since there's no hallucinations I feel so hopeless. All I can do is wait helplessly while my mind slowly unravels until inevitably full blown psychosis sets in....
I don't know the purpose of this post. Just venting I suppose. Looking for possible silver linings on dark clouds looming over a seemingly bleak future.
Submitted July 02, 2017 at 09:47AM by melimel307 http://ift.tt/2tz3ikk schizophrenia
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