Hello, and thank you for taking time to review and try and help me.
I'll do a quick over view and past history.
My wife and I have been together since December of 2009. My name is Matthew and her name is Kayla. We started at 12 and 14, respectively. We did awesome in the beginning, I wrote her song and played guitar and she made DVD of us, haha. Think we're great and then the summer of 2011 she cheated on me. She made me beg and then made me basically compete for her. Even her sister got to the point where she told Kayla that her actions were getting kind of disgusting.. She eventually picked me, at first I thought it was only emotional and photos...But months later she told me they had sex, this guy was 20 years old on a 14 year old. I didn't know his name or else something more would have been done.. I tried working with her, and eventually it felt alright. In about September 2013 I started to feel feelings for someone else, as well as Kayla and I were fighting A LOT. I moved out, but didn't persue this girl, I told her I wanted to see if I was just with her so I wasn't alone, or if I really wanted her....don't ask me how that even works, I was young and not very logical at relationships yet. She though kept on insisting on coming over and had her sister drop her off.. We had sex and then bam....pregnant. I moved back with her and we were alright, sex all the time. I don't know where it came from maybe the pregnancy hormones because before I left it was almost non-existent. I got a slight promotion at work and before we had our son we moved out. It was nice having our own place. Sex went back to non-existent. We moved back closer to her parents and my work, to a very nice somehow super affordable apartment. Slowly things went from bad, to worse. Way worse. Every day became a yelling match, which most of the time I tried not to partake in. I would block her out and watch a movie or play video games, anything other than yelling.. Things started getting worse, a friend invited me to his 24th or 25th birthday. Got so trashed that night I didn't go home, and woke up in some bed I don't remember getting to...No though, no affair. Just drunk. Then every now and again (I think 3 times in 6 months including the time above) my work friends invited me to their parties, I was a blast to have around. Haha. I always asked my wife if it was alright that I went, she would always say yes. Then I would always take her aside and ask her again telling her, "It's okay if you don't want me to go. I would understand. I would be okay with it.. Now, is it alright if I go?" "Yes its fine. Go have fun!" The exclamation marks aren't for anger but enthusiasm. That was the only enthusiasm I ever got was when I asked to leave. Things got even worse and she started to get almost kind of scary with our son. At the time I had started speaking to someone else. Not in an affair sort way, but it was another woman, some say that would be considered an emotional affair. This tidbit will come into play later. Sex was completely non-existent between Kayla and I and there was fighting and she started turning left and right aggressively while holding Robert...So I took him and left while she went out with her sister one night. It devastated her. I called DCF and everything, I needed to have him checked. I started seeing the woman, Rachel. I was always afraid of being alone, even as a kid I knew I always wanted to be with someone. So now that I was alone, I pursued her. That got blown out of proportion, as I "stole her son to pursue another woman and start over". Jesus. She stated that I called DCF to make her look bad to divorce courts, but I didn't. And I followed through with all of their processes for months, taking time aside to make sure this got taken care of.
I broke it off with Rachel to try and rekindle with my wife. I asked for us to go to couple's therapy, and she agreed. It only got worse, haha, not funny, but comical. Therapy is supposed to make things better, and he was fantastic, but it just wasn't making things better.
I told her I needed some time alone to figure things out, that I didn't want to talk about it, but that we weren't split up again...But that I needed to think. She said screw it (without telling me) and went and made plans to see some guy. Around the time of our next session at therapy (less than a week later) I asked her if she needed to be picked up like the previous week, or if she had a ride. That's when she let me know she wasn't going and that she was going to see someone instead. Then she slept with him.
Here's where that "short review" comes in. Over the next year and a half, I begged and pleaded for us to get back together. She would agree occasionally and then cheat on me. Over and over again this happened. Near the end of this year and a half she came to me saying that she might be pregnant and needed a morning after pill. She purchased it herself, but I stayed with her the whole night and comforted her. Told her everything was going to be alright. She started living with me again after that...Though she wasn't separated from the guy, Dylan. From that point on she made it feel as though we were together but then would go every weekend to his house and have sex with him. Months this went on. Christ. Months of hell. But I told myself I was in love.
Eventually she broke it off or something...And I thought it was finally over...This year of sadness. She finally picked me over these scumbags. Then she starts dating some dude from California. But told me she wasn't ready for a relationship right before that. Told her husband she wasn't ready but saw someone on the side. I guess at that point that title didn't mean anything.
I told her enough was enough. We stopped all communication. We only spoke when it came to when we were going to be trading off on our magnificent son. Then she was car shopping a month or so before and we hooked up in the back of my SUV ("for old times sake").......Pregnant.
Her father passed June 3rd, and she felt off and hadn't gotten her period so on the 4th, she took a test. She told me, "So I'm pregnant." "Wow. That's crazy. We're...Wait, who's is it?" "I don't actually know."
That was awkward. I tried to convince myself that the baby was mine. She kept making it clear that it was only unclear in the paternal ownership.
Things were okay. Sex was semi frequent, maybe once a week. The more things went on the more it bothered me and lingered in the back of my head...maybe she's not mine. I would, without thinking or intentionally doing it, make jokes about kids and their fathers.. She then definitively started saying it was mine, maybe for fear that I would leave and she didn't want the druggie FedEx ex boyfriend to father her child.
Things got a little rocky. We started having sex a lot near the end of the pregnancy only because it was said to help induce labor naturally.. Then afterwards, nothing but maybe once every other week. And I get it, the nerves and hormones it happens. So it was whatever. Then it slowly got worse.
I thought about leaving. And leaving made me thing about paternity. So secretly I ordered a kit offline from a credible DNA tester, when she randomly looked at our bank statement and saw the rather large charge she asked what it was and I'm not a liar, so I told her. She got so mad over it, but she kept trying to insist it was just because I did it secretly and that it cost so much. She was 99.9999996% mine. Which may seem high, but we are all as humans close in percentages. Things got a little better, I was trying so hard. Going above and beyond on everything with little return. Massages, the house chores more than normal, anything. Then she was mad because we had moved in with my mom to save money and I asked her if that was alright and she said yes but then she slowly got an attitude about it all. My mom did so much for us so it wasn't like it was bad. For $200, because she still needed help, we got half the house, our personal restroom, home cooked dinners, television with DVR (that we were allowed to use to almost unrestricted), and all the bills waived. It's a deal unlike any other. I told my mom we were having problems, so she would offer to take the kids here and there to give us alone time to try and have personal moments. Didn't get better.
Eventually she got on to me all the time about somewhere else to live, our "own space" I understood where she was coming from, we went from an apartment to my mom's house. So I was looking and she thinks it's an instant process and I tried explaining to her how it works, you don't just jump to somewhere else, you look. And when she wanted us to apply for a housing loan, good lord. She didn't want to hear that we were waiting back from the bank.
Now as some added information, I always provided. I was never some bum who always wanted some provided life. I worked for a while at a restaurant, went to manager. Did lawn care technician work for a company, became a trainer, made good money. Worked at an assisted living facility as the dietary department manager, had my own employees, made the menu, manage ALL the incoming money, etc.
Right here I quit my job to take her on an adventure cross country, we sold merchandise and made a heaping amount of money in a short time while getting to see the United States.
Then I took two part time jobs as two different managers for a friend of mine who needed help with his businesses. I'm accomplished. But, banks don't want part time jobs, even a semi good pay full time (even if it paid less than both my part times) was better than my part times...
But back to the housing thing. So for years I talked about tiny living, and I guess she tried to play to that and found a 31ft. camper trailer for only $600. We went and looked at it and it was alright. We purchased it and drove it home.
To make it more enjoyable for her, I put in new floors, a new stove and oven, a new refrigerator, took out the old gross toilet and put in a high tech composting toilet with no smell, I redid the roof, did most of the cabinetry work (she did the first coat or two), I painted the ceiling and restroom, bought a nice solid wood with steel entertainment center for our 65'' UHD, put in a 10k BTU A/C system. I made it nice. Luxury tiny living. Liked it....then would find every detail to get mad about.
We talked about moving, just anywhere. We had a portable house that we can move, let's go anywhere.
So I found this beautiful SIX acres 10 miles from a mountain in Colorado for $3,000. Was all set to buy the property then she brings up that her sister moved to Missouri...With her scumbag druggie boyfriend she supports.. Sure dear, anything to make you happy...
Now that we're here, everything has gone to garbage. We fight or argue about something almost every day, it's been well over a month and a half since our last sex together. I massage her (without asking for sex), I cook, I clean occasionally, I keep myself showered and smelling good.
And ending note, sex is important to me, there's nothing wrong with that. To me it isn't just some activity, it's a way of bonding with someone, even at the start when couple's are sexing like bunnies, they're doing it because they like each other. For me sex is passionate, romantic, and loving. Yes, it's fun I also feel that way.
She knows this is how I feel and how I think about sex. I've asked her why we don't, "I just don't feel like it." I've always been the guy that makes sure she gets off before I do, at least 2-3 times usually. So it's not like she's even doing it for nothing. There have actually been a couple times where I get her then she's all done.. She tells me I'm a great lover...when we actually do it.
I tried telling her it's important to me. Doesn't matter. If you want sex, leave. She doesn't want therapy. She just doesn't care.
When I think of leaving, I get really sad...But I don't know if this is over her, it that I'll be alone again..
So my long informational question is, is sex in this narrative enough to devorce over? Or should I continue to be unhappy?
Submitted July 22, 2017 at 07:49PM by FlightlessCupid95 http://ift.tt/2uKeM5D relationship_advice
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