TIFU by opening a bottle of wine tifu

So this happened last night. My girlfriend recently bought a bottle of wine and was looking to pour herself a glass of it and wind down for the evening. The problem begins when she can't find the corkscrew and remembers we never brought it with us when we moved.

So what would any normal person do? Probably just wait and buy a new one. What do I do? I Google how to open a bottle of wine without a corkscrew. I find this video on how to do it with a screw, hammer, and screw driver. I happen to have all of handy since we just moved in and are hanging a ton of stuff around the house.

So the video says to screw the screw in to the cork and yank it out with the hammer, just like pulling out a nail. So I do this and everything is working fine until the cork starts to crack and the screw just pops out. I try screwing it in a few more times at different angles and I get the same result. So now I have a wine bottle with a cork about an inch out.

The next idea I have is to take a wrench and try to twist it out. All this did was break the cork off and now I have a broken, Swiss cheese looking cork stuck in the wine bottle. At this point, I'm determined to get this son of a bitch out. So my next great idea is to push the cork into the bottle, yyyyep. So I take my screwdriver and I hammer it into the cork and I wiggle it around and then give it one mighty push with all my strength into the bottle. BAM, at the speed of light, red wine squirts into my eyes. This shit burned like the surface of the sun, right in my eyeballs. I quickly run into the bathroom and rinse my eyes out for a couple of minutes. Once the pain subsided I decide I'm not going to let this little shit win. I find that I got it pretty close to inside the bottle so I figure I can do it without making anymore mess. Boy was I wrong. This time I grab a chopstick from the drawer and I line it up good and gently try to push it in. It's resisting so I apply more and more pressure and then it starts to move. ln my head I feel I have this battle won, but then all of a sudden the cork let's go and shoots into the bottle causing wine (at light speed) to shoot into my face again burning the hell of out my eyes. I rush into the bathroom and rinse them out. Once I regained my bearings and the tears stopped, I saw the final aftermath. Wine was EVERYWHERE, the cabinets, floor, refrigerator, and even the ceiling was sprayed. At least my girlfriend got a good laugh.

TL;DR tried to open a bottle of wine and almost went blind.

Edit: formatting

Submitted April 12, 2016 at 01:49AM by SillyRomanZombie http://ift.tt/1NlcKYm tifu