Jesus christ. I will understand if no one reads this novel. I'm so sorry. I'm just very rambly and lost right now.
I don't even know where to start, I feel so overwhelmed. A few weeks ago (I'm not going to look up the date because I don't want to unintentionally imprint the anniversary in my brain), I cut contact with my mother. She is a very angry person with a lot of social anxiety. She has been diagnosed with PTSD and has been told by more than one therapist that she has rage/anger issues. She freaks out if she ever feels disrespected, and it doesn't take much to accomplish that. I have been blindsided on more than one occasion by her telling me I'm horrible to her, I treat her like shit, I should listen to the way I talk to her, etc.
Over the past 10 years or so, a lot of her anger has given way to more of a self-pitying helplessness that I find extremely off-putting. This began around the time I moved away from home, and in hindsight I'm pretty sure it was her way of guilting me into seeing her/keeping her in my life once I became an independent adult, since she could no longer control me otherwise. She would tell me things like she didn't know what she would do without me, I was the only person who made her feel loved (sometimes she will qualify this to include my step-father), she'd get extremely sentimental and try to pet my hair (I'm 28 years old. She infantilizes the shit out of me and I cannot stress enough how much I hate this). I honestly wanted some emotional space but was afraid of asking for it because it would hurt her feelings, and she had expressed suicidal thoughts in the past. Every time I came to visit, she complained that I didn't visit enough and said I should bring my friends over and use her bonfire (she has a farm), bring the dogs, and so forth.
I feel terrible because this just sounds like a lonely person who just wants company, but she is difficult to be around. She is never happy, and I feel like every failure I've ever had just hangs in the air between us. She makes me feel ashamed of all my decisions, and is dismissive of most people's opinions, especially anyone younger than her. Tame example: I told her a friend of mine in college learned that those smelly, white flowered trees (I couldn't think of the name) are actually invasive and originally come from Asia (I think it was China). My mother scoffed like this friend was an idiot and said, "That's a Bradford Pear. This is why Step-dad gets frustrated with college kids - they're well-meaning but they think they know everything and sometimes they're just wrong because they haven't lived enough yet/don't have common sense." I googled it later - my friend was right. Even that completely innocuous (and correct) tidbit I shared with my mother was met with utter disdain. Is it any wonder I never want to talk with her about anything important?
The blow-up we had was about how I am apparently a horrible daughter who looks at her with contempt in my eyes (ironic, no?) and comes into her house and is unbelievably disrespectful. I was informed that if I liked my boyfriend's mom so much (she is wonderful), maybe I should just go join their family. My mother also dragged my boyfriend, who was present, into it. He has never been anything but polite and helpful to both her and my step-father, and we recently helped them move into a new house, including scrubbing down a disgusting refrigerator that had been the barn fridge for almost 2 years. He did all this scrubbing and heavy lifting without once complaining or shirking a thing, because he is a nice, naturally helpful person. But of course, he is automatically associated with me, so we got jointly screamed at. I was not allowed to get a word in edgewise, because "This is [her] house!" and when she was done screaming and wagging her finger in our faces (literally), she left and slammed the front door.
I broke down and cried for a while after that, and Boyfriend and I talked until she came back through the front door (I honestly have no idea how long she was gone). I jumped up and just said, "I have to leave." I got my purse, he grabbed his keys, and we drove home. Sidenote: I had been borrowing her small commuter car and had lent them my small SUV. When we got home, we cleaned it out and took it back to the farm and left it. I also left the small SUV because I owed her $1500 and that was about its Bluebook value (the money I owed her was actually itemized. I still remember the year she said she'd do my taxes because she had a program for it, then tried to charge me $60 on the back end). A few days later, on the advice of my aunt (who I trust and think very highly of), I sent a brief letter that basically said, "I love you and maybe with time this can get better, but for now I need my space. Thank you for respecting that." Of course, my mother proceeded to call me off and on throughout the next week, but eventually she stopped. I deactivated my facebook and have maintained complete radio silence. I have also had nightmares about her every night since. Sometimes it's a regular dream and we've made up, but more often it's her being angry at me or vice versa, and even the nice dreams suck because when I wake up I feel sad, angry, and guilty.
I have had more than one close friend tell me that my entire demeanor changes when I talk to her, and that I seem guarded and stressed. Boyfriend (who has known me for 10 years) says that he can think of only a handful of times where I talked with her on the phone or visited her in person and came back in a good or neutral mood. Otherwise, I am almost always sad, frustrated, or angry after contacting her. I know that she is emotionally manipulative, but I also know that she genuinely does not realize how she comes across. I am convinced that when she says I am horrible to her, she truly believes it. So even though I know she is the one poisoning this relationship, I feel guilty for severing it. It's like I'm mad at the horrible shrew she can be, but then once I decide to be angry or upset with her, a whole different, vulnerable personality of hers emerges who is deeply hurt and honestly can't understand why I'm so angry, and what happened to our relationship.
Last night she had Step-father come by my house and take the plants off my front porch because I kept them over the winter for her. I'm half relieved because I didn't know how to give them back but also half upset because I feel violated that he came to my house in the middle of the night to take things out of my yard. I don't think I'd feel that way if they'd left a note, but they didn't, so I spent 3 hours wondering if my neighbors had stolen them or maybe kids as a prank, and wondering if I should file a police report because it was like 15 things and probably over $300 worth of plants, pots & soil. It occurred to me that it might have been her, but I cut contact 3-4 weeks ago, and they left her favorite rosemary plant (I assume because it was actually on the front stoop, not just in the yard next to the steps). I don't care about the plants, as far as I'm concerned they're hers anyway, but I feel violated about the sneaking. Boyfriend is pissed as hell and wants to make it a trespassing issue if they do it again. I just want to let it lie.
I have started to question whether I really am the horrible, disrespectful daughter she describes, but my friends insist that it's not true. I also try to remember that I have friends who have known me for 5-10 years who still like me and want to be around me, whereas my mother does not have very many long-term acquaintances or friends because she tends to alienate people with her behavior. I know, intellectually, that this is probably not my fault and I recognize that I am not alone in wanting to be away from her. But at the same time, I still feel bad for her. I still don't plan to contact her but the guilt over how she must feel still hurts me. I guess I'm just looking for support. I feel like my complaints about her aren't nearly as bad as what some people on this sub have had to endure, which is silly because everyone's experiences are their own and it doesn't make my mom's emotional twisting any less fucked up, but still. I don't know. Help. Please tell me this gets better. I just feel drained, and I want the nightmares to stop.
Submitted April 09, 2016 at 03:06AM by -unity- http://ift.tt/1RWd1TH raisedbynarcissists
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