fuck offmychest

I'm not good at getting out my thoughts coherently but I'll try. I'm almost 14 and I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 12 in June of 2014. I started self-harming in fourth grade which included me ripping my hair out, banging my head on my bed, and cutting with dull scissors. I got help (unwillingly) at the end of sixth grade due to a recommendation by several of my teachers. I was started on 10mg of Lexapro every day with therapy once a week, which became 20 mg of Lexapro with therapy once a week, which then turned into 20mg of Prozac with therapy twice a week by the end of seventh grade (June 2015). I began to only see my therapist once a week starting about a month ago. For the past few months my parents' relationship with each other had been be coming much more strained, which has added a lot of stress into the house. I only really realized this recently, but my mom often complains to me about my dad as a way to get stuff off of her chest. She says things that constantly degrade him as a father and have impacted my view of him. My younger sister has a very negative view of him due to this. While he has his flaws, so does my mom, despite her always acting like he is the only one in the wrong when shit hits the fan. For years now, I've been the mediator in their arguments because I always get dragged into them by my mom. I've looked up to my mom for my whole life, but now that I'm seeing the bigger picture, it's getting harder to paint either of them in a positive light. My sister has an issue with taking things, especially food items, that aren't hers and consuming them. In October, I went to New York for a week, leaving behind maple candy (that I paid for), and when I returned half of it was missing. I pointed this out and no one took the blame, and my mom yelled at me for targeting my sister like that. Later that evening, one of my then dogs bit my hand and I ended up spending the night in the ER. Only then, with blood streaming out of my hand did my sister fess up to taking my candy. This past weekend I got back from a cross country road trip from San Diego to DC with my dad over the course of a week, this was all during that huge snowstorm. I had previously bought sparkling cider at the store, and I left it about 2/3 full. Before I leave I specifically tell my sister not to have it. I remind them via text halfway through the trip as well. My mom assures me no one drank any of it. When I get back, they tell me that they had talked about it, and apparently, neither of them had a thing for apple products. I go look in the refrigerator, and I kid you not, there is one fucking drop left in the bottle. I look over at my sister and gesture in a way that asked her if she did this, and she nods. I decide to let it slide and I pretend to drink the rest and throw out the bottle. As a result of this, I was pissed off at her and it showed over the next few days. My mom confronted me and told me to "stop being so snippy with your sister," asking why I was being like that, and I was so annoyed I told her. My mom was in disbelief saying I never told my sister not to drink it, and further revealed it was half full when they talked about how they "didn't like apple products," meaning not only did my sister drink it before discussing not to drink it with my mom, but after as well. Then my mom tells both of us to apologize to each other, which was ridiculous. She goes to the store the next day and buys more cider, and the first thing my sister says when she saw it was, "oh can I have some?" Today she had some sort of fake interview that was filmed for Girl Scouts, and asked to borrow a navy blue shirt. I let her borrow one telling her not to ruin it. Later that day when I go out to run errands with my mom, I discover my cover-up makeup stick is missing from where I put it last night. I tell my mom and she replies the my sister is having a bad day. So when my sister gets home from her thing, I call her out in the nicest way I could muster. (She ended up breaking it too apparently). She breaks down crying and my mom yells at me saying that I shouldn't have yelled at her. I didn't yell at her, I told her not to take my stuff. So tonight I've just been in a pissy mood, and I haven't self harmed in seven or eight months, and while I could't bring my self to cut, I scratched my forearm up to the point where it stung like a female dog for a couple hours, but isn't that noticeable now. I'm really disappointed I did this and I think it may be due to me not taking my Prozac. I haven't been taking my meds as much because honestly I think I've been doing fine up to these past two weeks. I really just needed to get that off my chest, thanks for reading this crap piece of writing.

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 09:18AM by peachlobe http://ift.tt/1VyrY0G offmychest