I reconnected with a high school friend on a dating website over a year ago. We had been attracted to each other in high school but we ended up dating each other’s friends as a happenstance so we were just friends. Her and I kept in touch for years after high school but eventually stop hearing from one another.
After a few dates we started dating exclusively. I had been doing the online dating thing for a while and was finding trouble connecting with someone. Reconnecting with her from my past felt very natural and easy comparatively to other women I was meeting.
We filled each other in on the years inbetween. I had a 7 year relationship that ended in a divorce and she had a 6 year old daughter from a guy she had casually dated and then she lost a man she was engaged to when he died in an auto accident few years prior. So her and I were both coming into our relationship together with some heart aches and baggage. We are both early to mid 30s, tired of finding crap with online dating, and feeling that jealously/pressure of seeing everyone around us happily married, house, 2.5 kids, family vacations, ect. We were both having those visions and hopes that now that we have each other we can join the ranks of the happy and non-lonely people. We were feeling that fate had done its work in bringing us back together and the universe was giving us our happily ever after type of thing. In short- we were clicking.
She laid out very clearly early on that she was going to need a father figure for her daughter and she wanted a husband to have more children with. I expressed that I also had a desire to have and create my own family. I was apprehensive about being in a relationship with a single mother but because of the friendship and connection her and I had- I decided to press forward.
My girlfriend is a driven, goal oriented extrovert. She is a planner as they say. Once it was established in our relationship that we loved one another we started discussing future plans of marriage, house, and kids. The next logical step was having me move into her house.
As the move in date approached my anxiety level drastically went up. Admittedly I can be prone to anxiety issues. I had been living in a home that I own by myself for the last 4-5 years. I gave up on roommates after having some bad experiences and embracing my introvert self. Although I experienced bouts of painful lonesomeness the house overall felt to be a very safe and relaxing place for me. Ultimately, I decided I needed to be brave and not give up on my love so I give up my place and moved in with my girlfriend and her daughter.
I’ve been living there over 6 months now. It has been a very difficult time for me. I’ve found myself thrust into a situation that requires a high amount of responsibility, energy, sacrifice, and commitment. I suppose I had gotten used to a certain lifestyle by myself. My girlfriend has tried to make accommodations for my introvert nature by giving me the basement to claim as a man cave and giving me a night or so of minimal interactions. I still find myself feeling so incredibly drained despite those efforts.
Here is an important kicker. I don’t enjoy her daughter. I treasure any time where she isn’t home with us. She doesn’t do anything that unusual for a kid but damn I find living with a kid to be one of the more annoying things I have ever experienced. Her daughter enjoys me and continues to grow attached to me. I get her ready for school in the morning, tickle her, play barbies, help with homework, take her fun places, tuck her in at bedtime, buy her expensive birthday and Christmas gifts, ect. I’ve been a pretty awesome influence for her if I do say so myself. When I moved in she had nightmares and wet the bed at night for example- that’s all changed. I taught her some ways to calm herself down when she was feeling scared. I've spent years coaching youth sports so I feel pretty confident dealing with kids and bringing myself down to their level to help them build confidence in themselves. I’ve also provided a more of a stable financial presence to the home. When I moved in the cabinets and refrigerator were sparse- now it’s always stocked with food.
Her daughter writes me notes and brings home art projects for me. Here is the part that I have to absolutely get off my chest. I don’t feel a thing when she gives me these art projects. Nothing. If anything I just can’t shake this feeling of annoyance of her presence. I care about her daughter in a general sense that I’m a good guy and I would protect any child from harm and protect their innocence. But I don’t enjoy being with or around her. I feel terrible saying it but it’s how I feel. I feel guilt and have passed judgment on myself as a kind of emotionless monster. I want everyone to know that despite my feelings of annoyance with her my behaviors never indicate it towards her. Maybe it’s because she isn’t mine and she looks so much like her real father that has no interest in her or maybe it’s because I’m finding out that fatherhood just isn’t for me. I had it in my head that a father is supposed to be filled with joy the moment a child ran up and hugged him after work, instead I dread it….and worse I hate myself for dreading it.
I feel stuck and miserable. I told my girlfriend about some of these feelings about 3 months ago. She was saddened but we both agreed that additional time was needed. Now that I am eclipsing the 6 month mark of being in the house and have no change of feelings I am concerned. Not only that I'm stressed and anxiety ridden because I have to repress my daily annoyance and then I carry around a burden of guilt for my feelings. I've found myself creating emotional distance between my girlfriend and I because of this issue as well.
As an aside-Her daughters biological father didn’t want the baby and moved hours away while she was pregnant. He pays bare minimum child support and doesn’t call or send her birthday cards or anything like that. He is just basically nonexistent.
TLDR: Moved in with girlfriend and daughter. Now unhappy, lost, and don't want to hurt anyone. Looking for advice.
Submitted January 31, 2016 at 01:12PM by usernamethrowaway58 http://ift.tt/1nw0XQv relationships
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