Man vs. Machine wrestlingisreddit

Awaking to a massive hangover, our hero "Vile" Vic Studd seeks to start his "Pupil Free Day" off on the right foot...

scene opens inside the kitchen of the Rancho Cucamonga home of Roisin O'Brien and Vic Studd. The side door to the service porch slides open and out steps Vic Studd from the room in which he has been banished - wearing a frilly women's robe most likely belonging to Roisin. He shuffles towards the refrigerator, the robe tie keeping a tenuous grasp of preventing a full shot of Vic hanging dong.

Vic Studd: (singing softly to himself) ♫I don't wanna wait, for our lives to be over... somethin' somethin' somethin' beee... I don't wanna wait...♫

Vic opens the lavish sub zero refrigerator and his eyes light up.

Vic: ... well... hello there. Don't you look lovely. Ms. Cluckman, I presume?

Vic pulls out a half eaten rotisserie chicken and a can of Tecate. He plops them both down on the kitchen island counter behind him and starts tearing away at the meat like a savage. He dangles a piece of dark meat over his mouth and drops it in, only for it to bounce of the side of his mouth and land on the floor.'

Vic: Hoho... not so fast there, buddy.

Vic bends over to grab the piece of meat off the kitchen floor only for a roomba to come by and instantly suck it up.

Vic: (in a low gravelly voice) ... so it begins...

1 HOUR LATER

Roisin is on the front porch making out with a sexy mailman. She tugs at his belt and yanks him towards the door as she opens it.

Roisin O'Brien: Let's go, boy-o. Got a special delivery only YOU can make, flower.

Mailman: Yes ma'am!

Ro kicks the door open and drags the mailman into the entryway as she tears open his shirt sending buttons flying anyway.

CRRRRAAAASSSHHH

Ro freezes in her tracks and listens.

Mailman: What's wrong? Someone-

Ro: Shut the fuck up.

Ro continues to listen, standing perfectly still resting up against her chiseled mailman.

SMMMMASSSSHH

Ro: Bloody hell.

Ro storms towards the kitchen and kicks open the door to what can only be described as what would happen if an F5 class tornado whipped through a suburban kitchen. Vic has mercilessly laid waste to each and every appliance and piece of electrical equipment in the kitchen. A toaster drowns in an overflowing sink filled with running water, a food processor clings to life as it lies on the counter strangled with its own cord and huge kitchen knife stuck into the side of it and the poor roomba meticulously stomped into tiny pieces on the floor.

Vic: Hope you can microWAVE goodbye!

Ro: VIC! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO MY KITCHEN!?!?

Vic finishes ripping the microwave out of the wall and tosses it through the kitchen window out onto the front lawn without a moment's hesitation.

Vic: (out of breath) ... machines... taking over... took... a piece... of chicken... not saying its Skynet, but... I'm pretty sure its Skynet.... ARRGGHHHH!!

Vic storms across the kitchen and grabs the pot from the coffee maker. He smashes the glass against the side counter before beating the coffee machine to death with its own pot.

Vic: I AM NOT READY TO LEAD A HUMAN RESISTANCE! NOT YET! LET ME ENJOY WEDDED BLISS!

Ro: THAT'S ENOUGH!

Ro grabs the cordless phone off the wall and chucks it at Vic, pegging him in the side of the head.

Ro: Ya better be feckin' scuttered or else I-- what're ya even doin' home anyways? Shouldn't ya be at school?

Vic rubs his head where the cordless phone hit, seemingly working at snapping him back into reality.

Vic: Pupil Free Day... ow. Fuck. Nice aim kitten puss.

Vic walks over to the refrigerator that seemingly has escaped his wrath unscathed. He opens it up grabbing a can of soda and holding it to his head where the phone hit.

Ro: I see ya spared your precious Sub-Zero fridge in yer little tantrum, eh?

Vic rubs the outside of the fridge door lovingly.

Vic: Who? Elsa? She would never turn against me. Our bond transcends the innate conflict between man and machine. Besides, she keeps the beer cold and is probably the most polite object in the house, present company included. See?

Vic hits a button on the door of the fridge and a robotic voice begins to speak...

"GOOD. MORNING. SUGAR. NIPS. WOULD YOU LIKE. A. FRESCA?"

Vic smiles while Ro rolls her eyes.

Vic: Ain't she great? I also-- wait. Who the FUCK are you?

Vic points behind Ro where the sexy mailman is standing trying to catch a glimpse of what all the fuss is about. The Mailman's eyes grow wide as Ro spins to meet him, shoving him back towards the door.

Ro: Oh well... uh... that's our mailman, Karl. I heard all the commotion going on in the kitchen walking up the steps and thought you were at school so I wasn't sure what to expect to find and... umm.. so I grabbed him off the street to see if he could help a young lady out. Just in case.

Vic's eyes narrow as he looks Karl up and down.

Vic: What's up with your shirt? BROTHER.

The Mailman looks down at his half ripped shirt and begins to fumble his words.

Mailman: Uhhh...

Ro: He just got done plowin' that bird next door. What's her name? Kayla. That's it.

Vic: Oh shit yeah! The one with the tig 'ol bitties! Man, what I wouldn't give to have at those sweater puppets like a speed bag. Those things real?

Mailman: Huh? .. OH! Umm... you betcha! They're real and they're spectacular. Yup!

Vic: I knew it.

Vic smiles imagining playing with those glorious fun bags while Ro rushes Karl out the front door.

Ro: Okay, Karl, why don't you go grab Vic his package?

Mailman: What are you-- OOMPH!

Ro shoves Karl out onto the front porch and grabs him by the jaw.

Ro: Don't think for a feckin' second ya got away with this.

Mailman: Me? What are you--

Ro: Vic's... resourceful. Surprisingly so. He'll figure out what you were plannin' on doin' and... well... let's just say he'd snap your cock off like a celery stick with no hesitation.

Karl looks puzzled as he looks back into the house.

Mailman: Lady, I dunno what you're talking about. He doesn't look so scary, I bet I could--

Ro grabs Karl by the jaw again and meets his eyes with hers, putting the fear of God into him.

Ro: My husband just tore up his own kitchen cause a roomba ate his breakfast. He thinks he's destined to lead humanity's last pocket of resistance in a war against an artificial intelligence that spawned from a bloody glorified vacuum cleaner. That man has no shortage of an imagination in which to think up cruel and vile ways of makin' yer life a livin' hell.

Karl the Mailman takes a big gulp and nods his head in understanding.

Mailman: Excellent point.

Ro: Good. Now go get Vic's package.

Mailman: But I don't have a package for--

Ro slaps Karl.

Ro: I know that, ya gowl! Just grab whatever ya got back there and bring it here.

Mailman: Shit. Fine.

Karl hurries back to his mail truck and grabs the first package he could find and hustles back only to find Vic, with beer in hand, still wearing his frilly bathrobe waiting for his package along with Roisin.

Mailman: Oh God.. umm... here is your package Mr. Studd.

Vic tears the package away from Karl and reads the label.

Vic: Who the fuck is Jarvis Mahoney?

Mailman: He... uhhh...

Ro: Its an alias. Didn't want anyone knowin' where we live.

Vic: Hmm...

Vic eyes both Karl and Ro suspiciously before tearing open his package. His eyes immediately light up like a kid on Christmas.

Vic: By the Bald Head of Sunshine! Love crumb! Is this for House Party this week!?

Ro and Karl exchange glances, neither one knowing what the hell is in the box.

Ro: Ummm.. sure, you bet.

Vic: Damn Gangsta Muffin! Shit is KINKY. I'm going to try it on!

Vic leaps into the house. Stops.

Vic: Wait. Almost forgot.

Vic storms back onto the porch and cold clocks Karl the Mailman with a right cross. Karl falls like a bag of hammers into a bed of flowers.

Vic: Fuckin' spook. Talk to my wife again and I'll drop kick you so hard they'll stop ya in Phoenix for speeding.

Vic goes back into the house without saying another word. Karl looks up at Ro from the bed of flowers as she kneels down next to him.

Ro: My advice: Get a new route. Or get a new job. If Vic sees ya again, you'll be gettin' a new jaw.

Ro grabs a handful of dirt and shoves it in the Mailman's face before the scene fades to black.

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 02:20AM by neutronknows http://ift.tt/1PFCajs wrestlingisreddit