Hello, Reddit. The original thread is here: http://ift.tt/1PmynMI
I am the man in the original post. We gave it another shot, and it lasted two weeks, and I have been really upset about it not working out, but also upset at being insulted and attacked for things I do not feel actually happened. I wanted to know, from objective outside parties, what I did wrong. I’m sure I probably did, because as the original post lays out, I wasn’t the greatest person for the past 18 months. There’s a long and rocky history between me and OP, and I just want to know where I went wrong. I’ll try to be as brief as possible.
We did a lot of talking about whether this is something we want to do and whatnot. I sent lots of emails, phone calls, texts, and tear-filled conversations with her about how I fucked up and wanted to try to work to make things right, and to make things how they should have been. Three weeks ago, we took a very nice walk around a lake and decided we’d give it another shot. We had a wonderful night, met up with some friends and had a very great time.
The crux of my post and my confusion and hurt stem from one event that led to one fight:
That week all things were good. We had discussed what I needed to do to improve things, and steps I could take. One of the biggest things (like she mentioned in her original post) was buying her lunches and dinners when we ate together. So, one week later, we are hanging out again that weekend. Saturday morning we get up and go get a late breakfast / early lunch at this new restaurant near her apartment that I had never heard of. I’m looking at the menu for a long time, she orders, the cashier tells her how much the total is, and I interrupt and tell the cashier we’re on the same ticket. We enjoyed our lunches on the patio of the restaurant, shared each other’s food, etc.
At one point she asked me “Do you resent that me and my mother place buying meals so highly?” And I responded that no, I do not resent that; I resent that by me not doing that, everything else that I had done is played down or forgotten. Essentially, by me not buying meals, I felt unappreciated in that everything else I did was written off. I had mentioned that at times I feel like she doesn’t notice what I do: She once got mad because I forgot to buy her a beer at a festival, despite me buying her other drinks and buying her ticket outright; She once got mad because she was hungover and accused me of not taking care of her, despite me waiting in line 30 minutes the night before to buy her food (which was in her refrigerator); She would complain that I didn’t buy her lunch the following day, when I had just dropped $100 on a bar tab between the two of us the night before. Things like that. I felt written off, and underappreciated. I had told her during that conversation that often times I feel like she expects me to satisfy up to a level of 10 when I do something, and if I only manage to reach 9, then it’s as if I did nothing at all.
Now I understand that buying lunch and dinner can be very important. It has never been a huge deal with my past girlfriends, and so I didn’t do it this time around. I know it’s a big deal to her though, and will gladly do it if it makes her happy. But I have spent thousands of dollars on this person. I’ve paid for her vacation with me. Last Christmas I bought her a gift totaling $200 (which is still sitting in her room, in its box).
I’m not exactly sure why, but this led to a fight. A big one. And it led to her telling me “You took too long to tell the cashier we’re on the same ticket.” That was her issue, that I took too long. This opened up a spiral of me feeling like I was never going to be able to satisfy what she wants, if I even fail at doing what she tells me to do. Also, for the record, I personally feel like “you took too long to tell the cashier” is a bullshit thing to get mad at me about. But she used this as a diving point to basically continue the 18-month fight of how she feels unappreciated as well, how I don’t want to take care of her, etc. At the end of this conversation she tells me she does not know if we are compatible.
So here’s my dilemma and why we fell apart. The next week is rocky at best. Beginning on Wednesday, I was helping my family move houses. It took us until Saturday at 1:30 am to complete. Thursday evening, in the middle of me moving, she tells me she wants to know a yes or no if this is moving forward. I said I wanted to have that conversation in person, not over text. She told me to give her an answer right then. I told her I don’t know. By this point, we hadn’t even addressed my concerns over that fight we had the weekend before where I took too long to buy her lunch. I had issues I wanted to hash out with her, she obviously still had issues to hash out with me. So gave me an ultimatum, in the middle of me carrying boxes to and from houses with my family. I just wanted to get done moving and have that conversation in person. Instead, in the middle of the argument, she asked if I thought we were compatible, and I gave her the same answer she gave me a few days before: I don’t know. But I wanted to talk about that, address it, so we can move forward. And she walked.
Last night our conversation consisted of her saying that that Saturday when I bought lunch, I took too long to buy her lunch. Then she said “I felt like you didn’t want to be seen with me” despite us sitting right next to each other, sharing food off each other’s plates, and generally having a good time. Then she says that I was selfish and only thought of myself. Then she said that she doesn’t have to work on anything, that this reunion was all about me proving to her that I am good and can be good.
So, what did I do wrong? The paragraph immediately preceding is what she says I did wrong. But what did I do? I feel so hurt because I did not think I was doing something bad by buying her lunch. I mean, did I wait too long? Am I wrong for wanting to have a serious conversation in person and not over text messages? Am I wrong for wanting to get done helping my family move houses? Am I wrong for wanting to feel safe knowing that I can buy her lunch in the future without it starting a fight?
I know I’ve fucked up so incredibly hard in the past, but she has accused me of being selfish, self-centered, uncaring for her, all in the past two weeks when this new stuff was happening. And I feel like honestly, objectively did not do anything wrong. But any time I tell her that I have concerns about the way she treats me and what I do, I immediately get accused of trying to play the victim and that I have to be the one to prove to her that I’m worthy, essentially.
tl;dr: We gave it another shot. I bought her lunch. I took too long to buy her lunch. This made me uncertain and brought back feeling of being unappreciated. I expressed these feelings. She attacked. We semi-made up. She demanded an immediate answer, via text, while I was moving houses, despite my plea to talk in person. I told her I don’t know. She walked. Did I mess up by buying her lunch and wanting to wait until I was done moving?
Submitted October 16, 2015 at 09:41PM by tossaway019283 http://ift.tt/1RfbBEe relationships
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