Scoundrel. Dead beat. Liar. Hypocrite. Loathsome dog. All of that is you, you piece of shit.
I have tried, oh god, have I tried, to be polite, cordial, kind, for our kid. I have put on a smile, when all I want is to scream. I have laughed, when your very presence makes my stomach churn.
Yet, here we are.
When I met you I was a broken mess, and I fell to hard, to fast. I was willing to give you the world. I ignored the threats to dump me if I smoked, if I went to visit friends, if I didn't spread my legs for you whenever you wanted. I ignored them, even when you said you'd leave if I didn't give you a baby. I ignored when you threatened to leave me for when I was scared and a month pregnant. Why? Because I thought you fucking mattered.
You don't.
When you would keep me from my family. When you would take my money, not even letting me buy any maternity clothes. When you would yell at me for forgetting the clothes in the drier.. I fucking ignored it. Why? Because I loved you.
I don't.
When we got our new place, when I was so depressed I could hardly drag myself from bed to care for our daughter, that is when I knew something needed to change. Not for me, but for her. At first I begged you to be nicer, I begged you to stop getting mad over every little thing I did or didn't do. I'm just tired you would say, as if I weren't tired caring for a newborn, but you'd get better.
For about a week.
You would belittle and degrade me all the time. I was scared of you. Not that you would hit me, you knew that wouldn't end well for you. No. I was scared of the yelling. Do you remember when I, a twenty-five year old woman, had a drink at my best friends baby shower? I remember. I remember crying because you called me a horrible mother, a lazy mother, yelling and going on a tirade, throwing a tantrum. All because now you had to spend a few hours being primary care giver to the child we created. Do you remember how you wouldn't let me go to the gym? How you would give me the silent treatment every time I went? How I would cry myself to sleep? I fucking do.
I remember how we never had money, but now that I am gone, and you actually have to spend money on child support (literally the most money you've ever given me), you can afford an Xbox? Three gym memberships? Dinner every night? You couldn't even spring to put food in our refrigerator and made me get food stamps because I thought we were that poor, but now you have all of these things? I wore holes in my shoes when you would get $80 nikes- I should have known better. Selfish prick.
And when I left, when I couldn't take the name calling, the isolation, the threats, when you told me I was your problem, I gave you a chance. I told you to change and I'll come back. I said grow up and learn to be kind, learn to be humble and giving. What did you do? Nothing. You stayed you, but begged for more and more time.
Then you asked if we would ever get back together. I tried to explain, I tried to tell you that you had to change first. But you cut me off, yes or no, that's all you wanted.
No.
And then you left. You stood up and walked away from me and our daughter. Your words to me? I can't be around you anymore. I was giving you a chance and you gave it up because you didn't want to change?
Oh, and when I go out on a date, when I have sex, suddenly I cheated on you? Really? You were the one who said you couldn't be around me. You were the one that walked away when I was trying. Now I am the monster?
Fuck you, little boy.
I can't even give you credit for the apology you gave me. It wasn't sincere, you even told a mutual friend it wasn't. Of course this friend would tell me, she was married to someone like you, she doesn't want to see me forgive you based on a false apology. She doesn't want to see me miserable like she was. I know you, you would say she is lying, but a text message, from your number. Is that just a convincing hoax?
And I almost did forgive. I almost did believe it. Jesus, what is my problem? I'm so eager to trust, and you try to take advantage of that.
I hate looking at my phone and seeing messages from you. I know they are just you calling me a whore, a slut, and trying to hurt me. I hate that you have to lie about me to make yourself the victim. I hate you. Just you and everything about you.
Of course, I won't say any of this. Not to you, not to our friends. You are the father of my child, and for her sake I will try to be kind.
"Knowing that my ex is even a little unhappy makes me happy," A little bunny showed me that message. Thanks.
But, you know what? You aren't hurting me. Not anymore. Irritating, sure. But you are hurting you. Our friends and family see me being kind, outgoing, and gentle, while you say bullshit behind my back. Do you know how that looks for you?
And we both know how important looks are to you. I remember how you yelled at me for two hours because I had the audacity to cry when I upset you and the window was open. What would the neighbors think?! You asked.
Fuck. I hate you. You were the biggest mistake I made. The only positive thing to ever come from you was our little girl. Other than that? Nothing. Literally nothing.
So you go ahead and get high, party, fuck that 21 year old girl. All the while calling me a slut and a whore. I'll be here being a mother, loving our daughter, and living my own life.
Sincerely -Scream_It_Out
P.S. I had sex again. It was great sex. And even though I am usually above name calling, I think I deserve it now: It was wonderful to fuck a man who didn't literally crush me under his weight.
Submitted January 29, 2017 at 03:03PM by Scream_it_out http://ift.tt/2jrpfJu TrueOffMyChest
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