Spilling it out and rambling away. DeadBedrooms

I actually wrote this almost a year ago and just found it when cleaning up my phone. What's insane is it feels like I still feel each and every one of these stupid, silly, and depressing things a full year later. I am not looking for a prize - I just wanted to share because I am slowly realizing that I am not the only one who feels this way.

""""

You stare in wide wonder

Jaw gaping

"Why do you count the days last had sex?"

"How do you even remember like that?"

"Why does it seem like you are a crack fiend waiting till your next hit?"

I only sigh

You are right

I am a broken thing who needs too much

I am a monster in my voracity

I am always anxiously searching for the next time we touch

Like a shifty-eyed bigfoot through a torch lit cave

Reaching out blindly with my terrifying hands

Groping and grunting

Just waiting to gobble anything up with a satisfying smile on my lips

But...

What if...

What if I'm not a monster...

What if we instead thought of it different way

What if it was you?

And my 'need' was not physical love - but instead just. plain. food.

Imagine seeing an amazing, 7 course meal fit for a king at a long palace table

How you would delight and yell out in pleasure

As each new beautiful and exciting dish is passed to you

Lights gleaming in your eyes as the consume each incredible bite

Deliciously and excitedly enjoying every tender morsel

And finally you would place the napkin on your plate

Finished.

Satisfied.

Full.

And immediately - in a flash - you are exiled,

Harshly dragged to a dungeon below the castle

Now you sit in this dark, damp, depressing place.

They have forgotten about you - and your needs - like food.

But even that after one day you could look back on it and fondly reminisce on your dinner to cheer you up

Replaying the details in your head and remembering that unimaginable fulfillment

What an amazing meal!

And even (possibly) again the second day

and a tiny rumble of your stomach awakens that memory again

The daydream is a full table before you all over again

So perfect was that meal - of course it should last two days

And so you gently place your hand on your stomach

As days pass and the stomach gets even more vocal about its hunger

And even memories of such an amazing meal are not even bittersweet anymore

But horrible teasers

and each time you think of a single delectable spoonful

Searing pain hits your midsection

So you push those memories to the back of your head.

Best not to think of them

You try to distract yourself

Why torture yourself worse

And while two weeks can be a relatively short time

Imagine a human body not eating for two weeks

No snacks, no sustenance - not anything

Imagine 3 weeks.

A month.

Would you not count the days as well?

Would you not scrape crude tally marks into the dirt feverishly?

Wondering how much longer till you starve completely?

Another week goes by and you are beyond any form of true hunger

You are nothing more than just plain tired and hurting

Ribs begin to show, eyes have sunken in

You look monstrous too - but only because you have been forgotten

And that's how I feel.

It's just that my needs are different.

My physical needs sustain my spirit, my soul.

Nudges and bumps as you get juice from the refrigerator are like scraps thrown to a dog

I eat them up hungrily with sad eyes and disgust in myself.

I even beg for more

Hating myself for it every time

But I still try

I slowly drive home from work

Hollowly hoping things might be different tonight

I get kind of excited as I pull in the drive

I come in wearing a cute dress and hair done

I call out for you and kiss you on the cheek

And you lean around me to see the t.v.

You don't even notice

I feel so sad

and hurt

and alone

I was hoping for a 'you look nice today'

I was wishing you would catch sight of my bare legs and sweep me into the bedroom

I was desperately pretending that you would see me and want me the way I want you

I miss you

I miss you missing me

if I was gone for even a day

I miss being wanted

and needed

I miss cards

I miss nothing hugs

I miss nooners

I miss you attacking me happily before I could even get in the truck

I miss all day text conversations

I miss you being me best friend

You knew everything

You knew exactly how to make me happy

You made me so hopeful

But now I know

This is my life now

I could tell you how I feel

Again

I could tell you what I want

Again

Tell you how to fix it

Again

Tell you everything

Again

And listen to you be defensive

Again

Because you haven't had time to fix it

"It's only been two weeks"

So I don't

I drive home from work

I come home to a nod and a peck

And "what's for dinner"

I sit in the bedroom while you watch t.v.

I lay next to you as you sleep

Turning your back to me as I stare at the ceiling

Every. Single. Night.

I try to put my hopes to bed and try to distract myself into sleep

Who knows... Maybe I'll get laid Saturday morning.

Submitted August 05, 2016 at 01:34AM by jindogma http://ift.tt/2aUgHfd DeadBedrooms