My mother and father are both wonderful people, and they have raised me to become a responsible person. I really love them for all they have done for me, but I can't help feelings of bitterness and resentment at the root of it all.
My mother has OCD, with an absolute need to keep everything in the home clean and tidy, almost to perfection. I've grown up seeing her like this, but didn't know this wasn't considered "normal" as a young child. I'm 17 now, and nothing has changed. My mother is an absolutely wonderful mother, she shows unconditional love to me and has given me so much support over the years. But at home, I'm not even allowed to touch a wall, or sit on a floor. I'm not allowed to lean against a chair that I've just sat on, or go into the kitchen. I completely understand how she wanted me away from the kitchen as a child so as not to burn myself, but I just want to be allowed to open a refrigerator. I've heard that overprotected children can become more sneaky. My mother is routine-based, and when I was a little child, I would use that to my advantage, such as guessing when her shower would end and use her time in the shower to sneak into the kitchen and just look around. It was such a new visual perspective to be able to see everything in the kitchen from the kitchen, which when I look back on it now, seems sad.
I know this is incredibly selfish of me to think this way, but I just can't let these feelings of bitterness and resentment go. I adore my mother, she's a strong, wonderful woman who has raised me all these years. And yet, I feel as if there is a barrier to my love, something keeping me from loving her fully. This applies to my father as well. My father is absolutely wonderful as well. He works hard for hours and hours to give us a stable home, but he is slightly passive in nature. He saw my mother with OCD all these years, and has not once suggested to have a therapist see or try to help. I understand he's looking out for her and trying to give her a calm mind, but still, it somewhat hurts to know how apathetic he was of this. I understand his viewpoint, whenever I ask about a particular compulsion of her, she gets visibly upset, and I just want to never ask about it again. Maybe that is what he feels as well, a desire to not ask in fear of her getting upset and saddened. Now that I'm 17, I've gotten my license with my mother, and am beginning to work at a part-time job. The job is a short walk from home, and yet that short walk feels so liberating. I've never been able to walk in the neighborhood alone, and this feeling is both exhilarating and terrifying.
I want more than anything to be able to let these negative feelings go. I'm a bubbly person in nature, and I love talking to people at school, work, etc. I love talking to my parents outside of the home too, such as when we go to a restaurant. But at home, I just can't help these feelings. Despite my bubbly nature, I'm not able to trust and commit to people easily. I can't even bring myself to trust my closest friends sometimes. And marriage terrifies me, I'm afraid that I'll be committed to this life again, where I'm trapped in OCD. I know this may seem irrational, but I'm just unable to trust people or commit to them very well. I love my friends and family, I really do, but I can't attach myself to them fully. I've been told that I am slightly apathetic and detached when it comes to emotions, and I wonder if my environment had anything to do with it. (I don't necessarily want to blame it on the environment, but I really wonder.)
I'm so sorry, I know this is incredibly selfish of me, but I just wanted to let this off of my chest in the morning. And any feedback would be greatly appreciated! Thank you so much for reading!
Submitted May 10, 2016 at 03:50PM by SundayCafe http://ift.tt/1VRyJyw offmychest
No comments:
Post a Comment