I didn't put two and two together about narcissism in my family until pretty recently, and I am still in my initial phase of hurt about everything. I have a story to tell; it will give me a chance to vent, because most people I know do not know this. I appreciate the support from you guys here, because this seems like a very welcoming community.
So, I'm a senior in high school, and I was an offensive lineman on my school's football team. This is in a pretty small town where football is very important. I am also a big guy, as most linemen are. I am very strong and fast, but I am also fat. The thing is that I wasn't always like this, but because of my father, I am now.
So, I live with my father (my mother is out of the picture, and I have no siblings). My father has always lived in this general area--pretty rural, working rural kinds of jobs. He played football in high school, and the way he talks about it, I think he considers it the highlight of his life. He was the star quarterback on the high school team in his day, until he had a knee injury in senior year that prevented further progress, and he didn't go to college. Still, he tries to live a football life in some way; he stays in very good shape and follows the activities of football teams, local and otherwise. So, in middle school, I thought about trying to be like my dad, and he encouraged me to try football. It went well for me: at the end of middle school, I was a quarterback, and apparently pretty good. People often complimented me when they saw me, and often compared me with my father.
The high school in my area is regional and takes students from a lot of middle schools, so there was more competition for the team tryouts there. Of course I tried out to be quarterback, but my father at that point began suggesting that I be a lineman instead. I didn't really understand why he was so insistent on that, especially since I had been a quarterback, but he justified it by saying that I would have less competition, that colleges wanted linemen, that I would get more girls that way...some of those rang hollow, but dad would never lie to me, right? So, I tried out for a lineman spot too, and the coach thought I showed great potential, so he took me on.
Right away the coach put me on a diet and exercise program that was supposed to turn me into a big guy (which was different for me, a former quarterback). The coach just said "big," and my dad told me it would be mostly muscle...
Fast forward four years. As a player, I did very well, and I got a football scholarship to college next year that I don't want to lose.
However, I hate my body now. I weigh 280 pounds now, 100 more than I was at the start of freshman year. I did get strong and muscular, sure, but I am fat too. I was turned into a refrigerator. Girls don't care about guys that look like me.
The whole time this was happening to me, my father seemed very much on board with it, and actively supporting it. My father seemed to take pleasure in making me eat a lot, and there seemed to be more food on my plate than what the coach was suggesting. He often trained with me in the gym, but he tried to "motivate" me by making comments about my weight, even though this was happening on purpose. He also seemed to enjoy the attention he got when people commented about my weight (as a "problem," usually), and he occasionally made jokes about it in certain situations, like family dinners.
Finally, though, not too long ago, we had a fight about something. I got upset and ended up getting a little hysterical, I think, starting to list a lot of things I was upset about in life, high on the list being my weight. My father said it was all for football, but that, at the end of the day, "there can only be one quarterback in this house."
A lot clicked at that moment.
I'm still just really upset about this. :/ I don't really have any questions to ask. I was just looking for some support, I guess.
Submitted May 14, 2017 at 02:08AM by ndadfootball http://ift.tt/2r4Lf4E raisedbynarcissists
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