So Jesus was relaxing at this Christmas party at his friend Trevor's house and Trevor presented him a pill and Jesus was like "umm..I've never done any drugs before" and freakin Trevor was all "don't worry about it bro, I'm watching your back bro." Jesus realized he had spent all evening standing by, being the mom of the party and not joining in any conversations or games or festivities. This holiday was of his whimsy to begin with and he decided to try something new this millenia. "This will loosen you up a bit" said Trevor. "And besides, you died right? FOR US? These drugs wouldn't even be in existence if you didn't die cause they probably never would have been made. We basically owe you this experience and you owe yourself too dude." Jesus, now convinced, even for the first time ever, was super down. He slammed the pill back and then his beer and then another beer to wash that beer down. "Glug glug glug glug glug glug." Half an hour passed and Jesus was feeling lucid and hadn't noticed anything strange or different. He went outside to pee in the back alley of the house and it was a beautiful night to be peeing pee outside. Faintly, and just for a second, Jesus thought he heard his name. More seconds passed and he heard it again. "Jeeessus. Jeeessuuusssss." Jesus heard the voice loud and clear now but it was coming from every direction! "Jeeeessusss! Do nooott beeee alaarrrrrrmed. My naaaame is Breeezus and I am the wind lorrrrrd and I am evarywhaaarrr." "Breezus?", said Jesus. You have control of the wind?" "Yess I doo", said Breezus. "I hearrrrrd some giiirrrlls talking about some hobo peeing ouuut back but I only found yoooouuu. Theee wind tells mee many thiiings. I have tooo go blow thiiings noooww but yoouu wiiiill find what yoouuu must seeek in the kiiiitchen". Jesus felt slightly off but perhaps it was his beer, he already downed 2 of them like a pro. But it wasn't. He was about to be trippin ballz. He entered the kitchen and decided to eat something just in case so the food could absorb some of the alcohol and whatever else was in his system. He opened the refrigerator and there was only beer from top to bottom. Hiding in the butter slot, however, was a lil' piece of cheese. "Better than nothing I guess" jesus said. He grabbed the cheese and the cheese cried out. Jesus held the cheese in the palm of his hand and noticed this cheese had a face and a beard very similar to his. "I am Cheesus! Dont eat me, for if you do, you will surely-" Jesus, now starting to trip ballz, ignored Cheesus mid warning and feasted on his cheese lord flesh, his cheesy innards and cheese organs and his decadent, cheesy blood, lapping up every drop and sucking the cheese bones dry. Jesus was filled with intense remorse for a second but remembered it was just a cheese chunk. Trying to get a hold of himself, jesus went into the bathroom and wet his face. He opened the window for some fresh air and felt Breezus cool his skin. "Thank Breezus" said Jesus. Suddenly, Jesus felt a pair sharp stings on his forehead and heard 2 tiny voices. It was Beesus, the Bee Lord and on his back, was Fleasus, the Flea Lord. By combining powers and toxins, they have strengthened each others resolve for overcom- Jesus smashed Beesus and Fleasus in one foul swoop because they stung him for no reason and that is a sin. Now feeling a bit irritated and having a swollen red bump on his forehead, Jesus started down the stairs and he started feeling woozy and blinked his eyes to try and focus and he noticed that he was suddenly in the kitchen holding a large steak knife, panting loudly like he had just ran a race or exhausted himself somehow. Then he noticed his hands and arms. They were covered in what looked like blood, little bits of meat and hair still lingering on his shirt. He looked around. It was quiet. Too quiet for a Christmas party. After searching around the house for about a minute he heard a thump upstairs. He started heading for the stairs but only made it 3 feet before he noticed his reflection in a mirror. He was wearing a skin suit made from countless party-goers. He ripped it off as fast as he could, discovering a surprisingly well tailored skin vest he made too but this actually looked stylish so his dad would totes forgive him for keeping it since he did die for everyone. "What is going on!?" Yelled Jesus. He screamed and felt the room spinning, the walls were bleeding and the kitchen sink was ejecting blood and meat particles from the drain and Ann Coulter was there promoting her new book all of a sudden and criticizing Jesus for everything non-american and he screamed even more loudly and he clicked his heels together over and over and threw Vienna sausages at Ann as he cried until there was a flash from someone's camera phone. He then found himself naked and covered in shrimp and cocktail sauce. The party was fine, the drugs led him on this intense trip and he was embarrassed. Everyone at the party was staring and just then a huge shipment of shrimp arrived. Following the teachings of Jesus, the party-goers stripped and covered themselves in shrimp and cocktail sauce too and they all endearingly chuckled while shaking their heads at Jesus and they danced the night away. He was so relieved to not have murdered everyone. He wouldn't let it happen a third time.
Submitted December 06, 2016 at 04:55AM by Thundrcundt http://ift.tt/2gJM6Sz funny
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