Went out to the mailbox just a few minutes ago! And I'll bet you anything, you know why I did that! To see if there was any mail, of course! And there was mail in the mailbox! Well actually, if you want to know the truth! I sent brother Joe out to check the mailbox! Cause it's 23 below right now! And I figured, "I'm not going out there in that cold weather!" But I did manage to get Joe to throw on his winter gear and opened the door for him! Seeing as I'm such a helpful guy! And I encouraged him on, to get the mail from the comfort and warmth of our living room! While Joe was trudging through the snow, I was looking out the window! And motioning with my hands for him to keep moving! And my assistance did the job! Cause Joe managed to work his way through the snow and cold! And he brought a bundle of cards back in! Well, when I say a bundle of cards, I mean that Joe had more than 1 card in his frosty little paws! He had a grand total of 2 cards! From 2 different places!
One of the cards we got was from some guy name Fresno! And I says to Joe, "Joe" (I call him Joe, by the way, cause that's his name! I'm just telling you this in case you haven't figured out why I said "Joe"!) Anyhows, I says "Joe, who's this guy named Fresno that we just got a card from? Cause he's got his name stamped on the front of this envelope!" And Joe says, "Gimme that card and let me have a look!" So of course I handed the card over to Joe! Being the co-operative guy that I am! And Joe looks at the name Fresno on the envelope! And he says, in his Joe voice, "That's not somebody's name, you dope!" (Here's an aside for all you people out there! I get called 'a dope' a lot! Not just by brother Joe! But by the public at large!) Anyhows, to carry on with this blurb! Joe says, "Fresno is the name of the city that the card was sent from, you idiot!" (Yeah! Yeah! I know what you're thinking! I get called 'idiot' a lot, too! It's one of my many endearing nicknames, like 'dolt', 'peanut-brain', 'moron', and so on! Well, you get the drift!) So, it turns out that this card wasn't from some character named Fresno after all! But the card actually was from someone! And that someone was /u/pocket-dogs! And the reason I'm pretty certain it was from pocket-dogs! Is cause that name was written on the inside of the card! Boy oh boy! Bet I could be a detective! Cause I sure did some heavy duty detecting! Figuring out who sent us this first card!
Now here's a [pic] of the... Let me check this out just to be absolutely positive about the whole situation! Oh yeah! It's the front of the card! I had to make sure! Didn't want to appear to be stupid! And say it was the inside of the card! When it was actually the outside! So anywhos, here's the pic of the front of the card! If you take a close look, you see that it's all covered in candy canes! Very Christmasy! (I think that was it's whole intents and porpoises purposes! I mean, to be Christmas themed! Seeing as that's what season of the year it is!) Boy! I sure have been rambling on here! So I'd better get moving along! And this is the inner workings of the card in all its glory -- pic here! And the envelope that the card came in, above the card! Lookit at all the stickers! The card is almost smothered in them! Can't show you what was written on the inside of the card cause it's of a rather personal nature! You know the kinda stuff I mean! Things like 'Thank-You for your card', 'Have a happy holiday' and all those other writings that are so intimate!
So anywheres, I have a little bit of a beef here! That I haveta air! All 2 of our cards that we got in the mailbox that I helped Joe retrieve! Have to 'Joe and Norm' written on them! How come Joe gets top billing! I mean, we're twin brothers! And I popped out into the world first! Even if it was just 10 minutes ahead of Joe arriving! Well, I think it was 10 minutes! Don't quote me on that number! Cause I didn't have a stop watch on me at the time! Being stark naked and all! There just wasn't anywhere to tuck a stop watch on my person at the time! Anywhens, I'm the elder twin! And I've heard of this saying! That you're supposed to respect your elders! So, legitimately the address should read to 'Norm and Joe'! I'm sure there must be some kinda respect your elders law that says my name hasta go first! Hold on for just a minute! "Hey Joe!" (I'm calling out to Joe in case you haven't figured out what I'm doing! Thought I'd better explain myself and what's going on at the moment! Don't want to leave you in the dark! And guessing what's happening! You know what I mean! All you people sitting there and wondering: "What the heck's he saying 'Hey Joe' for?") Anywhys, back to my beef! So I calls out to Joe (Cause that's who I was calling out to) "Hey Joe! You got the phone number handy? For the police greeting card complaint department! Cause I gotta check out the respecting-your-elders-law when you write names on a card envelope!" And Joe says, "I have no idea what in the world you're yipping you silly little head about! But there is no such thing as a police greeting card complaint department, for starters!" And then Joe went on "And there's no respecting your elders law whenever you're writing names on cards!" Boy! Was I in shock! Couldn't believe there was no police greeting cards complaint department! Boy! Police departments are sure lacking in essential services nowadays! When they don't even have a greeting cards complaint department! I bet that they're so lacking in essentials that the police don't have a postcard complaint department either! So, I grabbed our handy-dandy phone book! And was rifling through it! To see who I could call to get a 'respecting your elders law when writing names on envelopes' law passed! But no such luck! There's no lawyers listed in the phone book that handle that kinda case! Maybe it's too complex and intricate and sensitive! For those lawyer type people to handle that kinda case! Yeah! I bet that's the reason why I couldn't find a listing for 'Lawyers who handle caseloads involving the lawful enforcement of respecting your elders when writing names on envelopes' in the yellow pages of the phone book!
Well, I'm digressing as usual! So I'll get back on track! (That's a very appropriate saying, by the way! Seeing as both Joe and myself work for a railway! Oh yeah! And not just any railway! We both work for the same railway! Except we have different jobs on the railway! Joe works as a conductor and sometimes an engineer! Since he's trained to do both jobs! So he's out on the road a lot! And works irregular hours! I mean, he only goes to work when he's called to run a train! And I work a fixed 40 hour per week schedule as a clerk! So I'm stuck at a desk in the station doing lots of shuffling around of paper and other stuff! Makes me look busy and important! Now how did I get on this topic? Oh yeah! I gotta get back on track here! So me (I'm the elder, so my name comes first) and Joe got a, believe or not, second card! And that card came by Royal Mail all the way from the United Kingdom! Now, from what I can gather from this card! It was magically flown here to me and Joe by some ducks! Just a minute! Take a break you guys while I talk this over with Joe! Go dig up some potatoes or whatever it is you do when you take a break! Okay I'm back and I got the scoop from Joe! Apparently the card wasn't magically flown here from the United Kingdom by a herd of ducks (Or whatever a bunch of ducks is called!) The card was sent to me and Joe by /u/DuckMagic! Just a little mix-up there folks! But I finally got it all figured out! Due to my genius brain!
Now for the dazzling appearance of the card in this pic! It's a depiction of a herd of penguins ( I wonder if penguins herd together! Or do they just mingle?!) Maybe it's a pic of mingling penguins! Anywhos, whatever they're doing, I sure am gonna write to those penguins! And ask them where they picked up there snazzy sweaters, scarfs, mittens and toques! Cause I'd like to be as sharply dressed as those penguin birds are! And speaking of birds! I got a bird story I must remind myself to tell you later about an experience me and Joe had with a group or bunch of birds! Or whatever those birds call themselves when they're all together in a gang! So, back to the card! Here's the nifty inside of the card! Loaded with stickers! And the green type envelope is below the card with loads more stickers! For a moment, when I first saw this card and envelope! I thought I must have died and gone to sticker heaven! But nope! Apparently I'm still stuck here on planet Earth! Drat it all! (As a villainous villain would say!) And this DuckMagic person writes, as you can see, on the inside of the card 'So have some cool cat stickers!' And me and Joe got some cool cat stickers sent to us! But no one is gonna be able to see them! Cause they are surprises that are gonna be stickered on people's cards!
So now that I got the important stuff out of the way! That is to say, the card thanking thing! Oh yeah! DuckMagic: Love Love Love the stickers on the card - the jolly fat man in the red suit (his name eludes me at the moment), the fox and polar bear all in their winter attire!
So thanks ever so much /u/pocket-dogs and /u/DuckMagic for these fantastic Christmas cards! I just need to get that 'Norm and Joe' law enacted concerning names on envelopes! So if anyone could steer me in the right direction! About who to contact to make it a crime to have my name written after Joe's! It would be much appreciated!
Now on to my bird story! Me and baby brother Joe went on a six months hiking journey from Vancouver to Winnipeg! And one day we saw a bunch of seagulls! This was on the west coast that this occurred! Since seagulls like to hang out wherever there's water! I guess that's why they're called seagulls! Only thing is, the gulls I saw shoulda been called oceangulls! Cause we was nearby the Pacific Ocean! Well, these gulls weren't flying! They were all huddled together on the ground! And I couldn't hear what they were saying! Wouldn't have been able to understand them anyways! Since I don't speak gull! But I suspected that these gulls were plotting something! They all looked a little shifty! I think they were planning to break into people's houses and raid their refrigerators! You know, eat all the left over pizza! And pop a few sodas open to guzzle! Doing all that kinda criminal behaviour! And I says to Joe, "Joe, I think we should call the FBI! Cause I'm pretty sure those gullbirds are up to no good!" And Joe says, "Don't be a doofus!" (I get called that name a lot, too, by the way!) And Joe went on: "Birds just like to stick together! They're not plotting anything! And besides that, this is Canada and the FBI wouldn't become involved in this country if a crime was taking place!" And I says to Joe, "Well those birds might be plotting something! Cause they're all huddled together! And I think they're whispering amongst themselves! Cause I can't hear them talking out loud! Just the occasional squawking! I betcha they plan on breaking into homes! And turning on people's TV's! To watch Alfred Hitchcock's movie 'The Birds'! And then they'd all yuck it up! And laugh their dumb birdsheads off! Cause they'd see how every human was screaming and running from a bunch of birds! And all these gulls would be ridiculing humans for being so chicken! And the gulls would be making "Bluck! Bluck! Bluck!" sounds and other chicken noises! Cause, I betcha gulls like to make fun of people!" And Joe says, "I don't know where you get your daft ideas from! You need to come back to reality, bro!" But I'll tell ya! Will Joe ever be sorry he said that! If a bunch of gulls ever break into our place and eat all our left over pizza! Well, I gotta scoot! And thanks again youse guys for the ace cards! Cheers! Norm and Joe (See how much more effective everything is! With my name headlining!)
Submitted December 28, 2016 at 03:07AM by twerptwo http://ift.tt/2ibA4jD RandomActsofCards
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