In concordance with the chief majority of cardinal Fuck-Ups, my story originates at the bar. I was with my best buddy doing a our regular Friday routine which consists of the usual bar-crawling, skirt chasing debauchery. Nothing unusual there. So, 2:00am eventually rolls around, and me not about to go down so easily bought two package bottles of Chivas. After settling accounts, (a few not-so-cheap bar tabs later) it is ascertained that there are no late night party pursuits or after-parties presenting themselves so I figured things were done for the night. I call my Uber back to our place and my roommate Sebastion and I jump in and head back with my plunder. I know its implied but it's important to state that we are stridently hammered. We walking inside our apartment, he walks in first and I close the door behind me. As I 180' after fastening the lock he's standing there with two things. A TREMENDOUS bag of cocaine and the biggest shit eating grin on his face I've ever seen. We proceed to indulge. Fast forwarding a bit. We're blowing lines bouncing off the walls and at this point its about 4:30am. I've been drinking neat all night but somehow I formulated a rational thought and decided it was time to switch to drinking on the rocks for a little hydration. As i reach my refrigerator to get ice from the door, my eyes slowly panned up my fridge an feast my eyes upon the glorious watermelon perched atop of it that I had purchased about a week prior. I don't know why, but I was immediately beset with an overwhelming urge to destroy it. Could have been the Mythbusters I was watching earlier. Could have been the near-lethal dose of cocaine in my system. Irrelevant. I knew what I had to do. I yell at Sebastion to saddle the fuck up because shenanigans were about to ensue in full force. I call another Uber. He arrives and I not-so-eloquently (but not impolitely) request transportation downtown as I get into his car clutching a watermelon at 4:30 in the morning. I chose this destination for its ideal topography. I wanna huck this thing off of the the highest goddamn thing I can find. Tall buildings. Bingo. In transit we pass a 24 hour Walmart. Recognizing this stroke of good luck, I shout "STOP! PULL IN HERE." at my poor Uber driver. Eager to capitalize on our good fortune, we run inside giggling like little girls while he waits in the parking lot. I need more melons. I didn't want them. I NEEDED them. I filled up my cart with about 15 and then rolled the rest of the melons behind the cart while Sebastion pushed it while dumbfounded employees stare, but don't intervene. (I checked my transaction history the next day. $124 fucking dollars.) So, we get back to the parking lot and begin to load up nearly two dozen WATERMELONS into his car. The guy, the guy was mortified. I've never seen somebody look so uncomfortable. I was the captain then. I could smell the fear on him. So, again fast forwarding a couple minutes; I realize there's no way I'm getting on top of a bank or apartment complex at this hour, so I direct our nearly petrified chauffeur to the first parking garage I can think. The one for the surrounding area of the restaurant that Sebastion's works at. We asked him to drive to the top floor but the driver mustered the courage to draw the line there and let us out there. We agreed. We debarked by loading our melons on the curb, sans the one we let him for a tip. We rolled them into the elevator about 20 yards away, which was was extremely convenient. Fortune was truly in our favor. So far at least.... We get to the top floor shotgun a couple o' beers and begin systematically destroying every single melon one by one. 50' blast marks in the alleyway, staircase, etc. ALL ON CAMERA. AT HIS PLACE OF BUSINESS. He got fired, We've both been charged with trespassing and littering. Altogether that one night cost me about a thousand dollars and my room mate and best friend's job. Not to mention, can never get an Uber ever again. Reddit, I believe I havee sincerely fucked up.
Submitted August 17, 2016 at 03:44AM by Letsdobathsalts http://ift.tt/2blv4rH tifu
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