I'm not using a throwaway account. Most of my friends know my reddit account and they all know about my issues with anxiety so I'm not worried about anyone seeing it.
I've had anxiety and panic disorder for 10+ years. I'm in my twenties and I live abroad with my husband. I used to think my anxiety was bad, and I took it for granted how not-bad it actually was. It seemed awful when I was a teenager; I used to struggle to go to school and would end up in the hospital a lot because I'd get so dehydrated from being sick with anxiety, but I would still go out for walks on my own daily, go and meet up with friends I hadn't seen in years/never met in person before, go on trains and buses to other towns, go shopping, all of that. I think it just seemed so bad because teachers made such a big deal about my absences and I got bullied a lot so it was more depression than anxiety at that point. I did CBT and it didn't help. They put me on Zoloft but I developed an allergy to it, and that was that.
Then I moved, away from any friends and family, all I have is my husband. I'm at a point where I can't leave the house without him, and no one can ride in our car with us/I can't ride in anyone else's car. He's planning a trip for us to go out herping in the desert this September, and the idea of being out in the middle of nowhere and other people coming with us makes me feel sick to my stomach. I can't go out and work so I have to just do what I can from home.
I was prescribed Xanax. It makes me feel dopey and sleepy and that's about it. If I take it and feel good that day I always feel twice as worse as usual the next day. I took a Xanax on Sunday night and again on Monday then didn't take one last night. At 3am this morning I woke up with horrific palpitations and feeling sick and had a terrible anxiety attack. I'm at the point where even the idea of flying home to visit my family is something I don't ever want to do, yet I miss them more than anything. I freaked out on the plane over there last time and it was awful and the flight attendants had to let me sit in the refrigerator at the back of the plane just to calm down.
My insurance doesn't cover mental health services and I couldn't afford my co-pays anyway. I haven't been to the doctor since January and already have an outstanding balance of $40 just for having my neck cracked because I was so tense (the doctor offered it to me for free since I couldn't afford $40 to go to a chiropractor, but the billing department refused to give me a freebie so they charged me the full $40 when I could have had the full works done for that much at a chiropractor's office - sigh). The bills piling up are stressing me out alone because I'm worried about my negative credit popping up when I finally get a credit card or buy a car in the future.
I just hate life, honestly. The best way I can describe how I feel is that my biggest fear has always been the fear of dying when I'm not ready to, but now my anxiety is so bad that I don't know dying is still my biggest fear or if my new biggest fear is the idea of living a full life when I'm not ready to. Living with anxiety is like waking up unprepared for everything every single day, and it's just so exhausting and no one I talk to ever understands it. I know people with anxiety, and I know they think it's as bad as mine, but I look at them and see my teenage self when I thought it was bad but I was still going out and living, just like they are. I'm not going out and living, I'm missing out on a lot because I can't make friends or go anywhere without my chauffeur husband and I can't pay my own bills because I can't go out and work, which is what I want more than anything in the world. I would give away my worldly possessions just to be able to mop floors at Walmart without having a panic attack.
I'm constantly begging people to throw out suggestions on things I can try. I would have a lobotomy next week if it would fix it, even if I put myself in debt for the rest of my life paying off the medical bill. I will do anything to make the constant panicking go away. Does anyone know anything that I can try?
Submitted June 16, 2016 at 09:38AM by rebel_nature http://ift.tt/1OrhpOL Anxiety
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