Hi all, I guess this is going to be my AA type into. I want to tell everything, so I'll use the nsfw tags where it gets explicit, but I apologize if I go overboard! I'll be using a throwaway on this sub for obvious reasons.
So, my name is /u/abstainfromthevein, and I'm a porn addict. I'm 26 years old, have been in many relationships and am currently in a long term relationship with, whoI believe is, "the one."
I first started looking at porn probably when I was 9 or 10. We always had internet and some of my first memories are downloading porn images off limewire and "grinding" against the support beam in my basement until I reached an orgasm. It was weird and I remember how strange I felt it was that I had these urges. I was really into anime, so hentai about the characters I recognized I was always into. Real porn didn't interest me as much back then, I feel like.
Fast forward to when I turned 13 and we moved into a new big house where I had almost the entire upstairs to myself. I had a TV, video games, cable, a refrigerator, a computer, and internet in my room. It started getting more intense, I remember feeling like I had a problem when I would slip up to my room during family gatherings to masturbate. It was around this time that I started getting into group sex videos or images.
I remained a virgin until I was around 17. I started exercising a lot and got into shape and started recieving a lot of attention from the girls in my school. After fooling around with a few I settled with a girl that I would end up dating all throughout college and into graduate school. All the while keeping up my porn addiction.
I recognize that it became a problem during that relationship. I became very unhappy about 2 years into it (but would stay in the relationship for another 2 years). I didn't particularly like our sex - not because it didn't fulfill my porn-induced fantasies (that didn't really become an issue for me until later), but rather because she truly didn't enjoy it. I remember feeling how the process was a chore for her, and it made me upset that I didn't fulfill her needs and that she didn't fulfill mine. It became a chore for me to even reach orgasm solely because she was so selfish and off-putting in bed.
I started to recede from our sex life and dive deeper into my porn habit. I would say that this is where it started to become a problem. I started getting deeper into hardcore porn and the more grotesque porn. Videos and images of girls eating creampies out of another girls ass, bukkake, humiliation, bdsm, rape-like fantasies and the like all started to become common "recommendations." I remember sitting in my universities library and paying the ridiculous fee (for a college student) to subscribe to brazzers for a video I found on one of the free websites that was something like "shovel my ass coal" that involved ATM and humiliating rough sex, and then having to leave the library to go masturbate after finding the full version. Thinking about it now, I'm so grateful no caught me or stumbled onto my history - I must have looked like an insane pervert.
It was during this depression that my habit got out of control and I had to begin faking orgasms since I couldn't reach it through our sex. I blamed her at the time, but I think it had more to do with me.
Eventually I broke up with her after we went to different schools for graduate school. By this time it was definitely out of control, I would masturbate 2 or 3 times a day, partly fueled by depression of ending that long relationship and insecurity with myself (dating again) coupled with this general addiction.
I began dating and seeing other people, but my addiction persisted. I found that with new girls I could reach orgasm due to the novelty of it. Being wanted and finally getting the thing that we both knew we wanted was exciting to me so I didn't need to fantasize during sex in order to reach orgasm. But this novelty wore off every time and I would recede back to my addiction.
I ended up finishing my graduate degree abroad. While there I met a wonderful girl and we started dating. This was my first time experiencing erectile dysfunction during sex. I know now that it was likely a product of my addiction as well as nerves, but it made porn even more attractive to me. Our sex was great, she was the complete opposite of that long term relationship in terms of selfishness, but I still found that I had to almost always fantasize to reach orgasm.
I came back from my time abroad and my addiction persisted. I ended up dating a girl I didn't really like, all the while having to fake orgasms either because I couldn't reach it or because I had masturbated so recently. I remember how one way I could reach orgasm was to fake the first, and then the fantasy of tag teaming a girl appealed enough that I could imagine her enjoying having multiple guys cum in her, so the "second" was my real orgasm after getting deep into that fantasy. I sometimes still do this with my current girlfriend.
Eventually I broke up with her after meeting the girl I'm with now. She is beautiful and incredibly funny - we match on so many levels. She is really into rough sex though and occasionally watches porn herself. She likes to be choked and slapped and generally roughed up which seemed to validate my addiction and interests.
So this is where I am almost 2 years into our relationship. She is incredible during sex, but I love her so much that I struggle to put her into my fantasies. I can't imagine putting this girl that I love and care for so much into a situation like a group of guys jumping her and gangbanging her while she enjoys it and begs for more (my fantasies get worse though, typing them out disgusts me). So I've started using my exes in my fantasies because it's easier to imagine these girls I don't feel much sympathy or empathy for in these horrible "fantasies." But the fact is, that I shouldn't need fantasies to reach orgasm with her, she does more than enough. Me from 5 years ago would go absolutely insane for her. However, I've developed this ridiculous insensitivity to what she does through my habit.
What pushed me to join this sub and to seek therapy (haven't found anyone yet) and help was when she brought it up. She says she notices how I have to "leave" during sex in order to orgasm. My dog recently passed and that night we were drinking when it came up and I pretty much told her all of this (minus some of the more explicit and embarrassing stuff). She was very shocked and hurt when I told her how I use my ex-girlfriends in my fantasies. She's a bit younger than me and she worries that I don't take her seriously and that she's not "sexy enough to be in my fantasies" which is an outright untrue statement. I tried to reassure her that it's not that she's not sexy enough, it's that I'm too depraved and in love with her to want her in those situations.
So here I am. 26 years old and I am addicted to porn and masturbation. It's been 3 days and 20 hours since I masturbated last (she caught me). About a week ago I would masturbate anywhere from 1-3 times during the day, almost every day I would do it at work either at my desk (I can close my office door) or in the bathroom. I had been doing that for about 2 months and was aware of how bad that was. I would regularly browse porn on the subreddits here or on various websites/apps on my phone during my drive home (bad traffic). One thing that started to scare me was my interest in anonymous sex - I would browse craigslist casual encounters WFMM posts fantasizing about the women who would enjoy anonymous group sex, particularly the posts where she admits to wanting some form of brutalization or rape-like qualities to the encounter. I honestly believe I would never partake in that, but the fantasy was there. I also began finding an interest in hardcore humiliation, a common google search for me was "exposed humiliated cumslut abuse tumblr", where I could find insane people posting horrible pictures of girls crying and covered in cum with insanely explicit "captions." These bothered me a lot but also were extremely exciting to me.
I knew I had a problem but admitting it was near impossible - it was extremely embarrassing and juvenile to have this problem and no one needs to know (I thought).
Luckily, my amazing girlfriend has agreed to be my "acountabilibuddy" and to help me. For now I am abstaining just from porn and masturbation, since I still want to have sex with her and please her. But honestly, I worry about this. We had sex last night and I had to slip into my fantasies to orgasm - though I worked hard at making sure SHE was the one in it, and not someone else (which I feel like fuels that anonymous sex fantasy). I am hopeful that this will fade as I avoid porn all together and my fantasies fade into obscurity - though I worry how long that will take. I just want to enjoy what she does, because I know that I should and that if I wasn't so desensitized I would.
So that's it. That's my porn addiction story. I suppose I should engage in a "challenge", but since I'm not abstaining from orgasms altogether and I'm really just focusing on avoiding those destructive fantasies, I don't know if I want to do that. I believe I am going to battle this addiction forever, just like an alcoholic or drug addict. I may have my struggles, but I would like to go through my life never masturbating to hardcore porn again.
I struggled with whether or not to post on this sub since a lot of the people seem to be in a very different position as me. I'm not doing this as a show of "self control," I'm doing it because I legitimately have a problem that has the potential to ruin my life (masturbating at work or in the car... wtf is wrong with me?).
So feel free to ask questions or criticize, I may or may not respond simply due to my forgetfulness to check this account.
Submitted February 23, 2016 at 08:56PM by abstainfromthevein http://ift.tt/1ozg2kO NoFap
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