You got to work on time this morning. No, better; you got to work a bit early. Now you can get a jump on things, like your weekly expense reports.
Lol. It's 11:30 already. You remember getting to work at 8:52-- since you were early-- but now it's 11:30.
You chide yourself for being stupid. Damnit, why the fuck can't I be normal?
Lol. Now it's 12:47.
It's no use trying to remember what you did in that lost time, because there's nothing you can do about it now. It's gone, you didn't do anything good with it, and it's never coming back.
Oh well. At least you are clear of a few little things and you can sink your teeth into that big project you just started.
Just started, in July.
Wait.
It's September.
You remember it so clearly. It was just yesterday when you had that meeting about it-- Johnny was there (even though he doesn't really like you, because you don't fucking know how to socialize to begin with, plus he got you to sign up for that half-marathon, which you wound up looking stupid at because even though you had three months to train you only realized you hadn't done any training a week before it happened), and Phil. You felt so prepared-- more than your usual, show up and hope strategy-- and you had printed out a piece of paper with action items on it.
What happened to that piece of paper?
You can't find it.
Can you find it on your computer?
You don't think you saved it.
What notes did you write down on it? What were you supposed to do?
What the fuck is wrong with you? How did you get this far in life without taking a shower with a hair dryer?
You're such a fucking idiot.
Shit.
It's probably too late to do any more work on this project. The one you should have done in August. You're afraid to ask anyone to find out-- because then they'd remember too, and get mad at you.
It's 3:15 now. You didn't eat.
That's ok, you've got a bag full of nuts in your desk.
No you don't, you ate those already.
Fuck, now you have to go get something to eat.
You have to go get something to eat because even though you went to the grocery store last week and bought over $100 worth of food, you never got around to making it, and you'll have to throw it out soon.
Just like you did last month.
Soon... the food that you bought that went bad before you could prepare it is still in your refrigerator.
It's 4:30.
You're mentally beaten from just the effort it took to not do anything today, so you fuck around on the internet, maybe send a couple of emails.
At 5:01, you realize you never finished your expense reports that are three weeks overdue.
After a few minutes agonizing over whether or not to stay late to try to do anything, you give up. Your brain is out of happy juice. You go home.
Your dog is happy to see you. She shouldn't be. She hasn't been to the park in weeks. Maybe you'll take her tonight, after...
SHIT. You have a meeting after work tonight.
Good thing you live close; you get there at 5:37. Everyone looks at you as you walk in-- even though they waited five minutes for late people to show up, they've started, and now you're disrupting the meeting.
You sit down and read the agenda. There are some things here you have some experience with, and other things you're concerned about, but you don't say anything. You've had the agenda for a month and this is the first time you're reading it. The time to clarify these things was long gone; you should have done that over the weekend, when you were playing Civilization.
Oh, that's right. You played video games all weekend. Even though you're over 30, with a career and car payment, it was like you never left fourth grade. Hey, I wonder if...
You snap back to reality. There's a lively discussion going on, but you haven't followed any of it, because you were thinking about a game modification.
You try to guess where they're at, but you have a hard time.
Finally, the moment you're dreading.
Someone asks you a question-- you've dealt with this before, what do you think? you were given this task last month, what's its status?
You give a half-assed answer about something or other and somehow they buy it. What you said wasn't totally untrue, but it wasn't totally true either.
The totally true answer would have been, "I have a disorder that makes it difficult for me to concentrate on one task at a time, and instead of figuring out a way of living with it, I daydream about what life would be like if I didn't have it."
In laymen's terms, it would be "Nothing feels urgent to me and I don't know why."
What other people think, though, is, "You're lazy."
You finally go home, too ashamed of how useless you are to stick around to socialize like a regular person.
Your dog is happy to see you again. She shouldn't be. She hasn't been to the park in weeks.
You finally feed yourself, which reminds you to feed her, which reminds you that she'd be better off with someone else taking care of her.
So you sit down in your messy apartment. You don't own a house because you can't plan ahead enough to save money. It's messy because you always feel like you're in a hurry, and when you aren't you feel like you do now: beaten down. Depressed. Ashamed. Despondent.
Is that suicidal?
You don't know.
You think about how you would do it. Just idle thoughts. A rope or something. You would want it to be quick.
Ugh. What would the people say about you after you died? That you were "an hero?" That you were a coward? That none of them knew why you did it, you had so much life ahead of you, you always seemed so happy?
Fuck them. You're afraid of telling any of them what's really going on. Any of those fuckers who can function without automatic payment withdrawals would just tell you to snap out of it. To stop making excuses. To stop being lazy. That you have so much, why would you be sad? You've gained so much, do you really want to lose it all by being lazy?
Fuck them twice.
No matter how many times you meet with a therapist shit doesn't get better. No matter how much adderall you pop you'll eventually need to take more.
Nothing you do can give you your day back.
Nothing you do can give you August back.
You go to sleep.
The next day, you get to work on time. No, better; you got to work a bit early. Now you can get a jump on things, like your weekly expense reports.
Submitted September 18, 2015 at 02:56AM by amonthwithoutcoffee http://ift.tt/1Kpjodz offmychest
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