"Stewie creates a device that allows him to traverse the Astral Plane, with dire consequences; Meanwhile, Meg winds up on MTV's Catfish."
INT. GRIFFIN HOUSE--DAY
PETER and BRIAN are sitting on the sofa. Peter is drinking a “Pawtucket Patriot” as they are watching television.
ANNOUNCER: We will now return to...”No More Twilight”.
ON TV:
EDWARD CULLEN and BELLA SWAN are walking hand-in-hand alongside a building.
EDWARD: I heard this is a place where our kind is welcome.
A sign is revealed that says “FANGTASIA”. EDWARD and BELLA are then abruptly approached, by two fast moving blurs that come to a complete halt. The blurry figures are ERIC and PAM from the show “TRUE BLOOD”, dressed in all black.
ERIC: Your kind isn’t welcome here.
BELLA: Our kind? We’re vampires.
ERIC and PAM hiss at them, extending their fangs. EDWARD and BELLA hiss back, bearing regular human teeth. There is an awkward pause.
ERIC: You’ve got to be [bleep] kidding me.
A silver projectile instantly goes through the back of EDWARD’S head and protrudes out of his eye. A silver Samurai sword slices Bella’s head clean off. Light emanates from them, as they crumble into beautiful piles of shiny diamonds. The man behind the carnage is BLADE. ERIC and PAM retract their fangs as he sheaths his sword.
BLADE: Seems I almost missed out on the action.
Another blur speeds past ERIC and PAM. It’s TARA, also from the show “TRUE BLOOD”. She wraps her arms around BLADE’S neck and her leg around his waist.
TARA: Seems to me you just in time for some.
BLACULA randomly descends amidst the four vampires, standing amongst EDWARD and BELLA’S remains. Facing BLADE, he picks up a handful of the jewels.
BLACULA: Are these...Blood Diamonds?
BLADE: Yeah...
BLADE withdraws his sword and points it at BLACULA’S neck.
BLADE: And don’t think ya ass is takin’ em back to Africa wit you either.
BLACULA puts his hands up, dropping the diamonds.
PETER: (Imitating Kevin Hart) Alright Alright Alriiight! Now that’s what I call “A-fangative” Action!
BRIAN: Nice one Peter. You write that one all by yourself?
PETER: Nah. Some new guy Seth hired.
BRIAN: Seth who?
PETER: Huh?
CUTAWAY TO STEWIE--
STEWIE: Say Whaaat?!
CUTAWAY TO MS. MORELLO FROM “EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS”
MS. MORELLO: Say Word.
EXT. GRIFFIN HOUSE--NIGHT
INT. KITCHEN
LOIS is cooking something on the stove while rummaging through the refrigerator.
LOIS: Meg! Come help me set the table. Dinner’s almost ready!
STEWIE enters the kitchen, clutching his beloved teddy bear RUPERT.
STEWIE: Hmmm...How spitefully delightful! I wonder what we’re having...Bitch Stew?
STEWIE’S idiot clone BITCH STEWIE comes into view.
BITCH STEWIE: Hiiii Stewie!
STEWIE: Not you!!
STEWIE holds RUPERT up, twists it's head until it clicks then snaps back into place. It's eyes glow red as STEWIE squeezes him. Lasers emit from it's eyes, fluctuating up and down, disintegrating BITCH STEWIE into a pile of messy smoking flesh.
ANNOUNCER: Stewie Wins...
The words appear in typical MORTAL KOMBAT fashion.
ANNOUNCER: Rupertality
“RUPERTALITY” appears in toy blocks.
LOIS: Meeggg! I asked you to--Oh my God! What is that?!
STEWIE: Your afterbirth. Care for some?
LOIS: Stewie! Get away from that thing! It smells toxic.
STEWIE: Yes...and I suppose that atrocious stench you call your breath is the bee’s knees.
CUTAWAY of the HONEY NUT CHEERIOS BEE.
HONEY NUT CHEERIOS BEE: I do have wings ya know. What the hell do my knees have to do with anything?
TRIX RABBIT: Oh your knees have everything to do with it. Actually you should be on my cereal box. Honey....Nut.
INT. KITCHEN
The GRIFFIN FAMILY, with the exception of MEG, are all seated at the table.
LOIS: Has anyone seen Meg? She never came home from school and I’m getting a little worried. She’s hardly ever late for supper.
PETER: Aw I’m sure she’s fine honey. Girls her age deserve a little time away from home. It’s good for ‘em.
CUTAWAY to a bunch of teenagers at a beach party. Among them are a TIME magazine and a wall clock both dancing with girls.
WALL CLOCK: By the stroke of midnight you’re gonna have more time on your hands than I do.
GIRL: It’s so nice of you to share your time with me. I promise not to waste any.
An HOURGLASS walks right up to the WALL CLOCK and the GIRL.
HOURGLASS: Excuse me, I thought WE were going out tonight!
WALL CLOCK: Sorry babe. I don’t bring sand to the beach.
INT. KITCHEN--NIGHT
LOIS: Chris sweetie did your sister say anything about doing something after school?
CHRIS: She said she had a date with some guy who just moved to Quahog.
LOIS: Chris why didn’t you say something earlier?!
CHRIS: Cause it sounded stupid and I didn’t wanna lie by repeating it.
STEWIE: Atta boy.
BRIAN: Ya know Lois, Chris does have a point. Meg’s lied about these kinda things before. Remember the time she pretended to be her own date?
CUTAWAY to the entire family in the living room. MEG hurries by and is headed for the front door.
MEG: Okay you guys I’m going out! Oh and if Francois comes by tell him I’m not here.
LOIS: Sure Meg.
PETER: Have a great time honey.
MEG leaves and a moment later the doorbell rings. CHRIS gets up to answer it.
CHRIS: I’ll get it!
At the door there's MEG, dressed in a suit, with a black ponytail wig and a fake thin mustache. As a greeting she embraces CHRIS and kisses him on each cheek but doesn’t realize the mustache is now hanging off.
MEG: Oui! Oui! You must be Chris! I’m Francois. Is your beautiful sister home?
MEG’s mustache immediately hits the floor.
PETER: Then there was that Blind Date.
CUTAWAY to PETER on the sofa talking to MEG’s BLIND DATE.
BLIND DATE: I’m telling you Mr. Griffin, you’re truly blessed to have such a lovely daughter.
PETER: How can you tell?
BLIND DATE: Well when I touch someone’s face I can imagine what they look like.
When he turns to touch MEG’S face, she quickly puts up a hairdresser’s mannequin head for him to touch.
BLIND DATE: Hmmm...such strong features.
LOIS: And let’s not forget the dead guy.
CUTAWAY to MEG introducing her date, which is a LIFELESS CORPSE, to the family. Everyone including the corpse is seated at the table.
MEG: Okay everybody this is Stan. He’s a little quiet around new people but don’t worry he’ll warm up.
STEWIE: Yeah... somehow I doubt that.
EXT. GRIFFIN HOUSE--NIGHT
INT. LIVING ROOM
STEWIE is searching frantically for something while RUPERT sits on the floor.
STEWIE: Where the devil did I put it? I can’t find it anywhere. What? What was that? Oh yes Rupert I believe you’re right.
STEWIE pulls out what appears to be a pocket calculator. He punches in a series of numbers and the sofa automatically flips backwards, and a high tech panel emerges from the floor.
It is equipped with various gadgets, weapons and shelves. He finds a book titled “THE SECRETS OF ASTRAL TRAVEL”.
STEWIE: Ah yes here we are. Splendid!
STEWIE presses a switch on the panel and it goes back into the floor. The sofa then goes back into it’s original position.
STEWIE: I say Rupert you’ve been quite resourceful since we began spending more time together. And since it’s been awhile, what better way to celebrate than a...
Sexy Party!
STEWIE’S SEXY PARTY starts off normal as usual, with him chasing the girls around, laughing and having a good time. Once they come together to do the dance part, CHRIS walks in and interrupts.
CHRIS: How do you know all these women? Where in the house are they coming from?!
EXT. GRIFFIN HOUSE--NIGHT
INT. STEWIE’S ROOM
STEWIE is on his laptop working intensely on a computer program. The book “The Secrets of Astral Travel” is open beside him.
STEWIE: There we are. Now all I have to do is recalibrate the neuroinhibitor displacement device. Once I’ve decoded the final sequence and run analysis on the systems check, I’ll be ready for projection!
BRIAN: Hey buddy. What ya working on?
STEWIE: Oh nothing! Um...blast what the hell do children do online? Uhh...watching Chris Hanson on Youtube?
BRIAN picks up the book.
BRIAN: What’s this? Astral travel? Stewie this is pretty intense stuff. From what I’ve read it could be quite dangerous.
STEWIE: Damn joykill... I meant...buzzjoy, wait that isn’t right damn! The point is, I thought you didn’t believe in this kinda thing.
BRIAN: Stewie it doesn’t matter what I believe or don’t believe. I look at the facts and even though I’m not saying it’s real, the fact is that this is something that has been well documented over time. The mind is a powerful thing and who knows what you might find if you go looking too far. All I’m saying is be careful Stewie.
BRIAN leaves.
STEWIE: My God I haven’t heard a speech like that since Peter Finch went mad.
CUTAWAY to a parody of the “MAD AS HELL” scene in the movie “NETWORK” starring PETER FINCH.
PETER FINCH: I don’t know what to tell you to do about the gas prices. I don’t know what to tell you to do about the gay agenda cause ya might like that kinda stuff...
VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND: I do!
PETER FINCH: I don’t know what to tell you to do about some of these remakes of films that weren’t that good to begin with! All I know is that first you’ve got to get mad! I want you all to stand up! Sit back back down! Take your clothes off! Take your girlfriend’s clothes off! Take several bong rips and watch Robot Chicken while eating chicken! Stick your neck along with the rest of your naked body out the window and yell...
I’m mad as hell! And I’m not gonna take it anymore!
EXT. GRIFFIN HOUSE--DAY
INT. LIVING ROOM
LOIS, CHRIS and BRIAN are watching television. STEWIE is playing with his toys on the floor. MEG happily strolls through the front door with her purse and laptop in tow.
MEG: Hi you guys! Sorry I’m just now getting home.
CHRIS: Where the hell have you been?!
MEG: Chris calm down. I told you yesterday after school I had a date.
Chris: Oh well allow me to retort. Where the hell have you REALLY been Meg?! Ya know, for some very strange reason which I still don’t understand mom was actually worried sick about you!
LOIS: Thank you Chris but I can take it from here. Meg, where were you? It's not like you to stay out all night and not call. Is everything okay?
MEG: Yeah Mom I'm fine. Are you okay? You don't seem too upset.
LOIS: I'm furious...but I'm more relieved to see that you're home safe.
MEG: I'm really sorry about of this but of course I'm safe. I was with Ryan last night.
BRIAN: Ryan? As in Meg...Ryan?
STEWIE: Well played. You come up with that yourself?
BRIAN: Nah some new guy Seth hired.
STEWIE: Seth who?
BRIAN: Huh?
STEWIE: Say whaaaa-wait a minute didn't you and the fat man do this bit earlier?
BRIAN: Uhhh...yeah?
STEWIE: Oh well what the hell.
CUTAWAY of STEWIE:
STEWIE: Say whaaaat?
MRS. MORELLO CUTAWAY:
MRS. MORELLO: Say word.
INT. LIVING ROOM
LOIS: Ryan? Whose Ryan? And tell the truth no lying. Hehe, I should've been a rapper.
MEG: Oh my God Mom Ryan is sooo hot! He's new to Quahog. I met him at the cafe.
CUTAWAY to MEG at an Internet cafe. She's on Facebook going by the screename "Megan Monroe", using a fake picture of a beautiful blonde supermodel. She reads her last message to RYAN aloud.
MEG: Sure! Let's talk! My number is 555 6169. Call me.
INT. LIVING ROOM
MEG: So then we started talking for a couple weeks...
CUTAWAY of MEG in her room. She’s on the bed talking to RYAN on her cell phone.
MEG: I know it’s been four months baby but you know what they say...Good things come to those who wait.
RYAN: Yeah I know, but can I at least get a picture that isn’t on your profile?
INT. LIVING ROOM
MEG:...and then we finally went out for dinner and a movie. After that we fell asleep under the stars.
1ST CUTAWAY--MEG is sitting in a restaurant with her laptop open. She begins typing.
Megan Monroe: Are you enjoying yourself baby?
(Ryan is typing...)
Ryan: I don’t even know where the hell you are =(
2ND CUTAWAY--MEG is in a movie theater surrounded by couples. She begins texting RYAN on her phone.
OUTGOING: Baby this movie is sooo good! You’re gonna LOVE IT!
INCOMING: What movie are you talking about? Are you on a date or something?
3RD CUTAWAY--MEG is messaging RYAN again on her laptop. She's laying on the ground at a make out point with a great view of the stars.
Megan Monroe: I had such a great time tonight Ryan ;) It’s so pretty outside under these stars.
(Ryan is typing...)
Ryan: F@!% this! I’m going to bed.
MEG: Goodnight baby.
MEG kisses the screen and lays down. JASON, holding a bloody machete--and DEATH--walk up behind her.
JASON: Yeah ya know what? I’m not even in the mood right now.
DEATH: Yeah me either. Hey ya know what? What about those One Direction guys? They should be up.
JASON: Yeah let’s do that.
DEATH: Cool.
EXT. GRIFFIN HOUSE--DAY
INT. PETER and LOIS' ROOM
LOIS is folding clothes on the bed when CHRIS walks in.
CHRIS: Mom have you seen Dad? I’ve been looking all over for him. He was supposed to take me to get the new Call of Duty game.
LOIS: Oh I’m sorry sweetie. Your father went to KFC. Ever since the “I think I ate the bones” commercial he’s been craving it.
CUTAWAY to PETER leaving KFC. While walking to the car THE GIANT CHICKEN appears, and slams the door closed before PETER can enter.
PETER: What the hell?
PETER turns around and sees THE GIANT CHICKEN--fully equipped with mechanical appendages--such as a claw that doubles into a grenade launcher. The other hand features rotating talons, with a long sharp middle point and a laser eye.
PETER: Wait a second aren’t you a TV show?
ROBOT CHICKEN grabs PETER by the neck and begins to slam him into the car door. He then throws PETER through the doors of KFC, causing him to hit the counter, knocking customers down along the way.
CASHIER: Robot Chicken!!!
PETER: Yep that’s the one.
PETER grabs the register and bashes it over ROBOT CHICKEN’S head. People run for their lives. The fight is short but intense. They totally trash the place.
The fight ends when PETER is knocked into a jukebox that begins playing “The Bird Is The Word”. ROBOT CHICKEN tries to spike PETER, misses and stabs the jukebox. His circuits begin to fry and PETER stands up to finish him off. He aims a longnose .357 at ROBOT CHICKEN’S head.
PETER: Why settle for a two piece when you can have the biscuit for free?
PETER blows ROBOT CHICKEN away and empties the entire chamber before dropping the smoking gun on the floor. As he drives away, he uses the last grenade in the launcher he ripped off ROBOT CHICKEN and blows up KFC.
PETER: How ya like those cookies? Toll House!
Amidst the rubble, ROBOT CHICKEN’S laser eye is cracked and broken. There is no light. It’s OVERRIDE SYSTEM--like THE TERMINATOR--kicks in and the eye lights back up.
EXT. GRIFFIN HOUSE--NIGHT
INT. STEWIE’S ROOM
STEWIE has just finished building “THE APEX”. It’s a bodysuit very similar to the TRON suit. Lights flicker and run in patterns all around it.
It’s equipped with a helmet and retractable visor that also lights up. Inside of the helmet, is an open square shaped slot for a box shaped device to go into. The box is named PANDORA.
STEWIE: I’ve done it! Once I have obtained the secrets of this netherrealm I shall possess the answers to every mystery in the Universe! Victory is mine! My word, I must be feeling rather nostalgic lately because I have not said that in a VERY long time.
BRIAN: Hey Stewie have you seen the new Chris Brown Hoverround commercial?
CUTAWAY to a SPOOF of the song “ANOTHER ROUND” by CHRIS BROWN. In this commercial, he is singing to a group of elderly women in a retirement home, who are on walkers and canes and getting into hoverrounds.
CHRIS BROWN: I see you keep holding ya neck and back it sucks/ taking all them prescription pills and stuff/It takes about an hour to just stand up, even longer if you fall down...
So in the end lady you gon need a Hoverround/a Hoverround/a Hoverround/Old Lady, you gon need a Hoverround/a Hoverround
a Hoverround...
I used to push you and her, and her and her, and you and her and her...
INT. STEWIE’S ROOM
BRIAN notices STEWIE’S bodysuit.
BRIAN: So I see you’re going with the whole Tron theme this Halloween huh?
STEWIE: Don’t touch that! It’s a delicately engineered bodysuit designed to monitor my vitals and molecular structure. I call it the Apex. Never in the history of mankind has there been a more sophisticated device.
BRIAN looks over at the helmet.
BRIAN: What’s the hell's this thing?
STEWIE: That my dear Brian houses the brains of my entire operation.
STEWIE pulls out a well lit cube.
STEWIE: Introducing...Pandora.
STEWIE and BRIAN marvel at the colorful lights flashing and running in sequence, similar to the bodysuit.
STEWIE: Lovely isn’t she? Similar to the Hellraiser puzzlebox, it’s a construct that opens neurological pathways and the doors to other planes. In other words, once I insert it into this chamber, I will be able to project at will.
BRIAN: Is that what this is all about? Stewie you’re insane!
STEWIE: Just now figuring that out huh?
BRIAN: No Stewie this is serious. I know we’ve traveled through time and explored the multiverse among other things but--
BRIAN notices STEWIE has already put on the bodysuit.
BRIAN: (Deep breath) I see there’s no changing your mind in all this. Okay what should I do?
STEWIE puts the helmet on.
STEWIE: Once I activate this switch, simply insert Pandora into the slot.
BRIAN: That’s it?
STEWIE: That’s it.
BRIAN: How exciting.
STEWIE: I know right!
STEWIE activates the switch. A series of lights flicker and the visor comes down. The slot opens up.
STEWIE: Okay Brian! Now!
BRIAN: God I hope they don’t put me to sleep for this.
STEWIE: Just do it damn you!
BRIAN gently places PANDORA into the slot, locking it into place. Everything begins to illuminate.
STEWIE: Don’t worry Brian! It’s gonna be a... BLAAASSST!!!
STEWIE’S room explodes in white light, then goes back to normal. He reappears completely by himself. The surroundings are dark, but he can still see everything.
He looks around and sees himself in his chair, wearing his gear. He realizes he is in his astral form, as there is an aura glowing around him.
STEWIE: It worked! I must say this is quite fascinating.
STEWIE: Okay according to my calculations, there will be a door somewhere around here through which I can re-enter the real world once I’ve completed my journey. Until then, let’s see what awaits us shall we?
STEWIE begins walking down the hallway, mumbling the “Wheels On The Bus” theme.
STEWIE: “The wheels on the bus and all that jazz, children’s music sucks ass.”
STEWIE: It’s awfully quiet around here. This isn’t at all how I imagined it.
STEWIE makes his way down the stairs and what he sees frightens him. In true “INSIDIOUS” style fashion, the GRIFFIN FAMILY are seated in the living room, frozen in place, with terrifying facial expressions. While cautiously studying them, a slim version of JONAH HILL appears.
JONAH HILL: Hey man what’s up?
STEWIE: Not-thin-yet-not-fat somewhere in the middle Jonah Hill! What the bloody hell are you doing here?
JONAH HILL: Yeah sometimes I just hang out here in the astral plane and do my astral thang ya know? Smoke a few bowls, chew a few shrooms, have an outta body experience...it can be quite trippy.
STEWIE: I see...well how’s this for an out-of-body experience?
STEWIE reaches inside of THIN JONAH HILL and pulls out FAT JONAH HILL.
STEWIE: And stay out!
A series of events begin to occur. STEWIE questions his location. An airplane flies across the bottom of the screen, with a banner that says “LOWER PLANE” attached to it.
STEWIE begins to have odd encounters. Amongst these is HERBERT THE PERVERT. As part of the INSIDIOUS spoof, he is in a black dress & veil--lip synching “Tiptoe Through The Tulips”. STEWIE also encounters the spirit of BERTRAM, who will try to possess him in real life. The LIPSTICK DEMON is QUAGMIRE, who will try to lure STEWIE back to his lair.
Near the end of this brief yet detailed segment, the GRIFFIN FAMILY--who now have no eyes--along with the other entities--will have STEWIE cornered. The ASTRAL BRIAN has dug a hole for them to bury STEWIE in.
INT. STEWIE’S ROOM--NIGHT
BRIAN is on the floor and finally coming to. The light blast knocked him unconscious.
BRIAN: What the--
He looks over and sees STEWIE convulsing.
BRIAN: Stewie! Come on Stewie wake up!
As BRIAN is slapping STEWIE to wake him up, PANDORA begins to glow at a blinding rate. The entities begin to vanish from the astral plane, and are appearing in STEWIE’S room.
In an act of desperation, BRIAN throws the closest thing to him to wake STEWIE: RUPERT. RUPERT bounces off STEWIE’S head and lands in the corner. It's eyes begin to flash red as twin lasers emit from them, blasting STEWIE’S helmet and destroying PANDORA.
The entities get sucked back into the last bit of light coming from PANDORA--and the box ejects itself from STEWIE’S helmet. STEWIE’S visor pops up as he regains consciousness.
BRIAN: Oh my God Stewie are you okay?
STEWIE: You were right Brian. Some things in this world aren’t meant to be explored.
BRIAN: I’m just glad you’re alright buddy. So, what are we gonna do about the box?
EXT. OUTSIDE--NIGHT
STEWIE and BRIAN put PANDORA in the TRASH CAN.
STEWIE: Good Riddance!
BRIAN: You can say that again.
STEWIE: Why say it again? I already said it once.
As they go back inside, HERBERT THE PERVERT walks over to the trash can and takes PANDORA out.
HERBERT: Now who would waste such a perfectly good rubix cube? Maybe the smart little boy up the street will take it... if I let him have it.
HERBERT looks down at JESSE.
HERBERT: What do you think Jesse? You think he’ll...”Take It” if I let him...”Have It”?
HERBERT looks at the screen and makes his eyebrows jump twice.
EXT. GRIFFIN HOUSE--DAY
INT. GRIFFIN HOUSE--DAY
The GRIFFIN FAMILY are all seated in the living room watching television.
ANNOUNCER: ...and now back to “One Basketball Wife and Groupies with Kids.”
Cutaway to a bunch of women arguing. No dialogue, just beeping all the way through. At the end, a woman throws a drink in another's face and walks off. The only word heard is "Bitch!" before the censor beeping continues.
PETER: Oh yeah that reminds me. Someone called here earlier for Meg. Something about Nev and Ariel Sharon. Anyway they're doing a show about catfish and wanted our address.
CHRIS: Megfish!
MEG: (gasps) Dad you didn't!
PETER: Of course I did! A chance to be on TV and have all the catfish you can eat! Who would pass that up?
The doorbell rings. MEG nervously jumps up to answer it.
MEG: I'll get it! (To herself) Okay...I'll just tell them they have the wrong house. What's the worse that can happen?
When MEG answers the door, the hosts, cameramen and RYAN walk right in.
RYAN: Umm hi my name is Ryan and I'm here to see Megan. Is she home?
The scene pauses. A narrator such as Morgan Freeman or Patrick Stewart is heard.
NARRATOR: For those who are unaware, Catfish is a television show where ugly and desperate people lie on the Internet about who they are and what they look like in order for people to like them. The end result? They always get caught.
MEG: Uhh I think you have the wrong--
LOIS: Oh Ryan there you are! We’ve heard so much about you! Meg aren't you gonna introduce us to your friend?
RYAN: Wait a second... you’re not Megan! You look more like bacon!
CHRIS: Megpig!
MEG: Ryan please let me explain...
RYAN: Explain what?! I fell in love with you!
NARRATOR: “I fell in love with you” actually means I fell in love with your picture.
RYAN: I’m just so upset that you lied to me!
NARRATOR: What Ryan really means is... "I’m pissed because you aren’t the person I wanted to beep ".
I DO NOT OWN ANY RIGHTS TO FAMILY GUY. ALL CHARACTERS ARE PROPERTY OF SETH MACFARLANE, FUZZY DOOR, AND FOX. "INSTEWDIOUS" IS SIMPLY FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY.
Submitted September 02, 2015 at 06:09PM by Dee_Harris http://ift.tt/1LTRpZO funny
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