Peanut Butter & Clam Chowder: The Thickest of All Soups fatpeoplestories

Be yourself, strapping the fuck in for a great chronicling of the Tales of My Fat Friend "Jabroni".

Jabroni was once fit. Now portly fellow. Somewhere between poverty, poor relationships, family problems, and terrible terrible decisions with his diet and health; now a portly fellow.

Oh man, do I have some Jabroni stories.

---He insisted. INSISTED. INSISTED. that you could eat whatever you wanted on any given day, as long as you did two things:

1) Drink unsweetened green tea

2) Lift weights

He liked to swim, but insisted it was "an exponentially more effective" form of aerobic exercise if you went slower.

At his heaviest, he began to experience respiratory complications. Oh, you know...nothing serious, he just got out of breath doing the simplest tasks ever.

These include:

-Walking up the six steps to his apartment building

-Standing in front of the stove

-Telling a joke that's on the border of receiving a 'long' flair in /r/jokes

-And finally, the titular Jabroni story:

We were all playing D&D one day, when Jabroni decided he'd like some soup. He continued to narrate (he was the DM) the result of our rolls as he cracked open a can of Chunky, poured it out, and put it in the microwave. He stood there waiting.

A few minutes later, Jabroni withdrew his morsel from the microwave and waddled to the refrigerator. An ominous Ziploc sound ensues.

Jabroni returns to his chair with a bowl that floweth over with shredded cheese. He begins to stir it slowly.

HFFF HFFF HFFF HFFF HFFF HFFF

Did his heat just turn on? Are the upstairs neighbors engaging in the parlez-vous-a-homma-homma? Did someone just smother a guinea pig with a fleece blanket?

NO.

This is the sound of Jabroni BREATHING as he eats.

We all stop our strategizing for whatever battle we were about to start. We all turn to him.

Unnamed Friend 1: Holy SHIT Jabroni. You fat fuck.

Unnamed Friend 2: Why is there so much cheese in it? What kind of soup is that?

Unnamed Friend 3: PEANUT BUTTER & CLAM CHOWDER. THE THICKEST OF ALL SOUPS HFF HFF HFF HFF.

Hysterical and situational laughter ensues and a new tagline emerges.

Submitted June 23, 2017 at 02:41PM by Dehymenator http://ift.tt/2sxLxkt fatpeoplestories