I was driving to work yesterday when a Portland highschooler pulled up to me on his fixie at a stoplight.
"Hey," he said, "I need you to move. We're repurposing this road into a 36 foot wide bike lane with 5 layers of striping. You know, because then it will be PROTECTED."
"I don't have time for this, I need to get to work - I have a meeting with the engineering team."
"Of course you do, you scumsucking techbro."
"Come on, get out of the way, the light's green."
"Why don't you check your light privilege?!?"
I took a bite of my breakfast burrito in anger.
"Hey," he asked with a grimace, "are you of burrito making origin?"
"No, I make them once a week and keep them in the freezer."
"Of course you do, you cultural refrigerator."
"I don't think that's word you're looking for...I can't wait to tell my wife about this," I muttered.
"You shouldn't mansplain to her," he snorted.
"We always talk about our day over a glass of wine."
"It's guys like you who propagate grape culture."
"What do you know about grape culture?"
"Everything, my parents and I moved here from Norcal 6 months ago."
"Great, you shouldn't act like you own the place. Stop needling me."
"If I wanted needles I'd go to the park."
I opened my mouth to respond when he suddenly dropped dead in fits and convulsions from heavy doses of lead poisoning that had been denied and covered up by inept PPS administrators - who, despite having the largest K-12 budget in Oregon, had failed to provide clean drinking water to the children in their charge, leaving them little more than a smug sense of superiorty over the suburbs, which they parroted everytime they posted on /r/portland.
The end.
Submitted June 25, 2017 at 09:41AM by homeless2housie http://ift.tt/2tIc9O5 Portland
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