We are not divorced, yet.
Have been living separate since early December, I think I moved out the 4th?
Currently living with my brother/room-mate. He's been super supportive, doesn't charge me rent. I take care of my own groceries. We live in a small 2 bedroom apartment, but need something bigger as we decided to make this a permanent solution.
I live with several mental illness diagnoses: bipolar 2 rapid cycling with psychotic features (i hallucinate), severe depression, and anxiety/panic attacks. OCD and ADHD are not so bad, but the mania and depression are the worst to deal with. I am a 3x suicide survivor, all during the past 3 years. My reasons? My triggers? HER. The arguments, the fights, the accusations, the guilt, the pain, etc. so many reasons and in the end, I call HER "toxic". [big breath] I am getting my mental health care through a local organization - I have a Doctor, medications, a case worker and therapist whom I see weekly. I know and have many techniques to aid in my recovery, I am not alone and I have plenty of support.
I have always worked in customer service field, retail and warehouse type environments. From 2003-2011 I worked for one company, incredibly well paid (i was making close to $43,000 per year), great benefits. It was around 2009 that I started having problems with my back.
- I have disc desiccation at L3-L4 and S1. that means my discs are like crushed cookies and no longer absorb shock.
- bilateral facet arthropathy (arthritis?)
- two disc bulges
I lived and worked with excruciating pain. I almost got the required surgery, but through some stroke of luck, my employers insurance cancelled the procedure because it was too expensive, i was too young, and it was experimental (at the time). My neurosurgeon suggested i QUIT my labor intensive job before I ended up in a wheel chair.
I took his advice and quit. My wife, two young children (then ages 3 & 1) and I relocated back to our hometown to be near family during this difficult time. For the next 5 years, I was a stay at home dad, while she worked odd jobs to support our family. During this time, I healed, my back is surprisingly STRONG today, but I do not know for how long? So I cared and cooked, cleaned for my family for over 5 years. I was seen as a pussy by HER family, because I was the man who never took his role, instead, SHE had to work. After quitting my employer of over 8 years AND moving (again), I began to spiral into depression. Alcoholism. Drug abuse. And I cheated on my wife. She discovered this and is what prompted the divorce last year. Actually, she found out I had TRIED to cheat on her, and that has been my circling spiraling annual sense of pain, regret and guilt, that prompts me to seek suicide each year. THIS WEEK? Exactly one year ago, this week, i was hospitalized for a week at a psyche ward, due to my 3rd attempt at my life. The year before that, around the same time frame, I took a knife to my wrist while dining along at midnight at IHOP, and I asked the manager on duty to call 911. The year before that, I took a bottle of hydrocodone and adderall to end my life, when my wife found out about a woman named Erica. THIS WEEK, I am trying my damned hardest to maintain my healthy life and LIVE. By teh way, I never stuck my dick in Erica, nor any other woman during the course of my marriage. I SEXTED, many women, had some cyber affairs with many women, but never touched a single woman, at all during our 11+ years of our marriage. I only began having sex with someone ELSE about a month or two ago (but she does not know what). So yes, I finally cheated on my wife :(
So I am a cheater. I know this.
My pain lies with these facts:
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I was a devoted loving husband and father for years, I cooked, I cleaned, I washed. I loved my role and took it seriously. Dentist and Doctor appointments, teachers meetings, clothes and shoes shopping, kids parties, I did it all, and when mommy could attend, she did. I am a proud Daddy, and always will be. My daughters had me there, 24/7 for the earliest years of their life.
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I managed to hold a small part time job from May 2015 to August 2016, when they went out of business. I delivered flowers for a small flower shop. My income was less than a couple thousand for the year. The following year, i was a cashier for the dollar store. I was still working there when we separated. I earned less than $2,000.
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I am forced to work. I have a good job, similar to the previous warehouse one where I was in pain. Almost 38 hours per week. It's physical and sometimes I ache and my back hurts, but the sense of joy and accomplishment is amazing. I LOVE MY JOB! I feel like my old self again. but for how long? How long before my aging back, finally, breaks?
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She has a great job, works for the city. Get paid $15/hr. I make $11.60/hr, but the resulting paycheck after child support and taxes (i did the math), it's like I am making minimum wage. I bring home less than $500 per two weeks. The state takes out $338 for child support and $156 for medical ($494 total per check).
I received a letter from office of the attorney general stating that I still owe $792. i dont understand this, if they set it up, and my wages are automatically garnished, why do i owe to their mistake? Regardless, I owe child support.
I am two weeks behind on my car payment and it is in need of an oil change, sparkplugs, and more maintenance that I can not afford.
I visited the attorney generals office today, and asked, what if I were committed again, to the hospital, not that I have any intent so, but, what if I relapse? OR what If I injure myself at work, just once, and that ONE TIME, could be the last time, what if I can no longer work? The blankly said, I would still owe for child support. I am angry. I am beyond words for how depressed this makes me feel. I dont cook for myself. Have been off my meds for almost two months. I eat poorly and have lost over 15 lbs. I dont want to hurt myself, I feel that this is the first year, in four years, that I WILL NOT seek self harm. But the ideas are there, the ideas are always there. Throw myself down the stairs, backwards, so my back takes the force of the fall ... drive into that construction zone and total the car i can not afford ...
I am in a safe place. I have my support. This is hurting me in ways I never imagined.
I have asked HER to revoke or remove the child support. Lie to the courts and tell them we worked things out, that we are NOT divorcing, that we are working this out - allow me to find stability in my new found life, away from my little family, with my room mate. I let her keep the washer, dryer, refrigerator, queen mattress and the car that was paid off last year. I started new, fresh, with nothing more in the bank than a new account and a few hundred dollars. My clothes, my computer, desk, gear and belongings. I had to buy a used car and this damn car required lots of maintenance [breathes slowly].
Please. Just remove the child support. Let me find financial stability in my life. If I can't ... then I'm terrified that I may have to move in with my parents. My brother can't support me! Remove the child support, let me find stability and once I do, I will be happy, honored, to send you money each month. But if that doesn't happen, I will end up depressed, crippled/disabled and forever angry with HER.
[/rant]
edit #1: forgot ot mention, live in TX USA
Submitted May 10, 2017 at 12:03PM by organizedfellow http://ift.tt/2qpTuZc Divorce
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