I've known that my father is a narcissist for a long time; however, it is only now that I'm coming to terms with it. Ever since I was younger, I've wondered why my dad was the way he is. My mom, the sweetest woman in the world, was constantly being insulted or degraded for some reason. If she spent too long on the toilet, was seen taking her necessary medication, or did anything at all, my dad was mad about it. Both my brother and I are adopted, and my dad was very clear about wanting his own kids. My mom being unable to do that for him was, to him, a great betrayal and disgrace. Due to the way he treated her, I can assume that he never forgave her for it. Being young and seeing these things was upsetting. I loved my mom, and I loved my dad. I wanted them both happy, but neither of them were. It didn't take long before I realized that the way my father treated my mom was not normal or healthy. My parents got divorced the summer following my second grade year. I knew it was coming, because I knew that my dad was cheating on my mom.
He had found a younger woman. One with a daughter that had cancer. Her husband was working a lot, and her family quickly became close with mine. The woman became good friends, even best friends, with my mom. Then, my dad started going over there without my mom, when the woman's husband wasn't home. He liked to help out, and as twisted as it sounds, I believe that if her daughter didn't have cancer, my dad wouldn't have been as interested. My dad has always liked being the "hero." He went into a line of work that has long hours and dangerous circumstances. He is very good at it, as he has always put his work, and developing skill with it, above his family. He, to this day, comes home every day complaining of how tiring work is, how many hours he has worked, and how he wishes we could appreciate the effort he is putting just so that we can "survive." We are not poor; in fact, we're pretty well set. My dad has made a lot of money, but prefers to keep have our immediate family believe we are somehow simultaneously living in poverty and riches.
When I was younger, my dad would show me off because I was his little "human dictionary." He used my personal talents to make him look like a good parent, and ruined them for me. I went through a time when I hated being as smart as I was/am, and I essentially threw my grades down the drain. In retrospect, I admit that choosing to be successful would have been the better option, despite how my dad would have used that success. I'm just now finishing up my sophomore year of high school, so there is time to improve, but it's so hard to find motivation when I will not ever be the "human dictionary" again, and therefore, not good enough for my dad.
He shows his "love" by buying me things and driving me places. I know this sounds horrible and maybe I really am just ungrateful. A lot of parents wont drive their children around. I feel spoiled and out-of-touch because I'm not thankful for these things that so many don't get. He even buys takeout for us often, but he has never taken the time to learn how to cook for us, or how to shop for groceries. If we don't eat all of our food, the leftovers will stay in the refrigerator until they rot, and if I try to throw out the moldy food, I get in trouble for being "ungrateful and wasteful." When he drives me places, he makes sure I know how much time he takes out of his schedule for me and reminds me that I should be thankful, even after I thank him many times with genuine gratefulness.
Another thing my dad does, is pretend to be the victim of criminal activity. For years, he has kept my brother, grandmother(who lives on a separate house on our property), and I in constant fear of break-ins and targeted crime. Every few months, one of our cars is stolen or broken into, apparently. We don't live in a shady part of town, and according to my dad, getting the police involved is worthless because they "don't know what they're doing," and would take too long to act. He says people have come into the house while we are sleeping and stolen items of my brother's and I's. He has video cameras, motion lights, audio recorders, guns, and alarm systems in and around the house. I have paid close attention to the patterns of the "criminal activity" and compared it to local statistics to confirm my suspicion that it's all made up. You may be thinking, "But why would he do that?" Well, him saying our things have been broken into always seems to take place around when my brother and I stop feeling bad about the last tragic thing that has happened to him. Him having stuff stolen is used to try to make both my brother and I pity him, and reassure him that everything will be fine. It also gets a lot of sympathy from our church community. This has been happening my whole life, and I was very surprised to find out that no, not everyone else has had their house broken into 20 times during the past school year. I was equally surprised to find out that not everyone has a sadistic stalker that their parent labeled as narcissistic, like my family did. I feel like it might be important to note that the woman my dad got involved with ended up divorcing her husband for my dad, and shares many of the same traits he does. Her now-ex husband, the father of her children, is the man that my dad claims is stalking our family.
My dad also is the classic "I know things that you don't know, and they're fact because I said so." Despite having no experience in many fields of professionalism, he often declares that they will do x or y because it's what "always happens." Even on the freeway when we are driving, he'll see a car with an out-of-state license plate and say, "they're here because ____," and if i even dare to give an alternate reason as to why they could be here, he flips out. He says that I don't know how to "play the game" or take a joke. Take a joke is a phrase I heard a lot growing up, as he often commented on my weight or appearance in a very rude and offensive way, but then told me to chill out and take a joke. He also makes very racist/degrading assumptions about others, and about their intentions. He acts as if he is above the law, and tells other professionals (not in his line of work) how to do their job. My dad thinks he is better than everybody and anyone who doesn't agree is plotting to maliciously sabotage or offend him.
The worst thing that happened because of my dad, was the physical pain he put both my brother and I through. I used to wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of him yelling at my young brother for peeing the bed (doctors said it was stress induced, as it followed the divorce and he had stopped wetting the bed years ago). Many times, his yelling would be accompanied by the sound of my brother's body hitting the walls, because my dad would grab him and push him up against them, or just hit him instead. I would run out, screaming at my dad to stop, and telling my brother to go hide in his room. That was my responsibility as a sister. Then the hitting would happen to me. I fought back, always, and it only went on for so long before my mom, now moved out, realized what was going on when she saw the bruises. Even still, we went back to his house. I was sleeping one night and he woke me up just to yell at me and hit me because he was mad. I called my mom and showed her the marks he had left. He claimed I was lying, and that I needed to get out of his house, because he couldn't live with me anymore. At that point my parents had joint custody, and without court consultation, I moved in full-time with my mom, who I lived with for a year. I still went back, because my dad acted as if he had forgotten about it entirely. It didn't take long before the verbally degrading behavior started again, and I, as a result, felt worthless. I attempted to kill myself, but at the last minute made myself throw up the pills. I self-harmed. He found out about it and told his girlfriend, and talked to anyone who would listen about how hard it was to have a daughter that was like me. He kicked me out again, and I stayed with my mom for two years until we went back to joint-custody, because I begged for it. I never learn that he wont follow through on his promises.
I live with him essentially full-time now, and just keep to myself as much as possible. I've learned that when something comes up its easiest just to ignore it or agree with him, no matter how wrong he is. Sometimes, I can't help myself. I get mad and scream at him for all of the pain he has caused our family, but he just says that its unfortunate that I don't know the "full story."
He has promised time and time again to change for the better, but I'm let down every day by the growing realization that he will never change. He won't even try, because he thinks I am the problem and he is perfect. Is he right? I need a perspective from someone that understands.
I know this is a lot and likely is rambling, or unnecessary, and I'm sorry. Again, as I said, I just need some perspective/advice. Thank you.
Submitted May 17, 2017 at 02:54AM by Wontai http://ift.tt/2ro0tOt raisedbynarcissists
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