26yr old male with little to no credit
I can't find the energy to help myself. I live in a small town outside of Madison, Wisconsin and have hit rock bottom. I'll try to keep this brief, but it feels like too much for me.
I have lived in the same place for 2+ years. The place is over 100 years old, neglected by my landlord, and I'm starting to think the mold in my basement apartment is bringing out the worst in my depression/anxiety. The longer this all goes on I feel even more trapped.
Fun facts about my living situation. I payed rent on time the whole first year. I grew to hate the place and despise the landlord. My older friends live up stairs right now, with their two daughters. Now they are moving in a few weeks, which proves problematic because my slumlord landlord had previously directed all my problems to my friend who is moving. The pipes tend to develop a new leak every 3 months since they are plastic irrigation type pipes installed around shoddy wiring and vents to no where.
Parts of my floor are caving in, water leaks have ruined the possibility of me using the stove so I avoid decent home made food. Not only do I worry about water leaks constantly, the neighbors teenager adopted a puppy and it tends to piss upstairs in a certain spot. That certain spot just so happens to be over top of the stove and in front of my refrigerator, all the while it's traveling over the shoddy wiring and it's now impossible for me to keep up with it.
All this has made me despise myself even more. I developed a half a liter of vodka/day habit, my car is literally falling apart, I can't even bring myself to get out of bed most weekend days. I stopped paying the landlord and I'm an honest person with anxiety who thinks so little of himself that I gave in and started paying him back thinking that I'm wrong in this entire situation and to avoid confrontation.
I have a good option to move to Iowa with a childhood friend who is already set up but I just can't make a decision. At work I focus all my energy on being the best. To please everyone because my discomfort is what I deserve. To top that situation off, I told my supervisor about said option and he went out of his way to get me a raise. Now I feel trapped at this third shift dead end job.
My mother tries to help, but I take it toxically. Why would anyone want to help me, I can't even cut my fucking fingernails. I've been experiencing major mood swings and I have no idea what decisions would make me happy, and what would fuck me. So I do nothing, and sometimes I tell myself this is the hell I deserve.
I've always wanted to die anyways, so screw it. I don't know if I'll ever be satisfied. Truly happy. But as temps are fluctuating in my house I feel mold spores are killing me and messing with my already fragile emotions.
Doctors seem to want to diagnose a patient in 15 minutes or less, so I've tried 2 different antidepressants and anxiety meds that never seemed to help. I've been off meds for 6 months now because of a bad break up and not wanting to go through a whole other prescription cocktail, with the copays and biweekly visits to a psych.
Idk guys, I feel like a lost cause. I'll take any direction or input to heart at this point. I know I'm just hoping for wise words from strangers on the internet, and no one has ever said anything magical to fix me. This is honestly my last resort until this moldy bug ridden hell hole steals all my passion, or my life.
Thanks for reading it. I'm going on a 24 hour day at this point so if the subjects and idea are not cohesive I apologize.
Submitted May 13, 2017 at 05:49AM by LemonFacial http://ift.tt/2qcwdbI depression
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