Someone posted about enmeshment and how they weren't allowed to be their own person. I'm coping with memories I need to get this out. It's poisoning me.
They claim I ran away at 18 but I'm getting ahead of myself. Be kind, please, these wounds are still very much open.
When I was a child, I never had a birthday party that wasn't just my immediate (nparents and nsiblings) family. No friends over, no visiting friends. No unchaperoned dates (my first date to the Mall at 14, they walked behind us. Needless to say, that never happened again. No visiting friends because it wasn't safe. I was alone outside school but also not given privacy.
Clothes, when washed, we're so in a flooded basement that was infested with spiders and had one hanging light. So I was always dirty as my clothes weren't usually washed. No locks on doors or bathrooms. Only doors that locked were Parents room and the extra room where I hid when nsiblings would let up long enough for me to run away. It was also infested with spiders. Guess who is arachnophobic?
Underwear was inspected to make sure I wasn't staining them with menses. Dirty clothes were thrown on the floor in the bathroom to get moldy. Huge piles of dirty musty clothes. Hygienic feminine products were bought by my morbidly obese mother so they were practically diapers. They would regularly come in while I was changing or bathing. I wasn't allowed to try on clothes alone into my teens. I taught myself to shave and there was only one razor for a house of five people that wasn't regularly changed so it was dull and rusted so bad it would leave orange streaks as you used it. Things like toilet paper and shampoo were never stocked so I'd often have to wash my hair with body bar soap that was often slimey from sitting in old water. And napkins or paper towel sheets were left on the back of the toilet but not always there, either. I did my best to stay clean but it was hard. We also had to share toothbrushes.
And the house, dishes were never washed, floors were so dirty, your socks would stick to it. Toilets and sinks would be crusty with debris. Refrigerator never cleaned out and leftovers would mold and rot for months. But all this was because of lazy kids. I remember being so overwhelmed spending days cleaning before CPS visited once, I was young and I remember gagging while she made me wash the dishes. Using dirty silverware to try to pry the mold from the dish of something that no longer resembled anything. Nothing ever came completely clean, there was always debris left that turned to cement. And I was always sick with something.
This is already a book and I haven't gotten to the abuse, yet. Or why I left, yes there is more but it's too much, I think I need a break.
I want to add, I'm ok. Married and happy with a little one on the way. My husband taught me how to overcome my clutter blindness and my home is organized and clean. I just need to bleed off some of this poison and this was the worst. The embarrassing and shameful truths of my childhood. Now it feels like it was just a bad dream that happened to someone else.
Submitted May 20, 2016 at 06:43PM by RaindropButterflies http://ift.tt/20f1Avg raisedbynarcissists
No comments:
Post a Comment