I have been determined to get my husband and I the hell off our lease with NMom, which is why I haven't been posting on here this last month. Plus mother's day was hell (no shocker there, I won't go into details but I will say for the record I am still recovering.) After weeks of apartment hunting, we finally got an apartment in the center of our city's nightlife/entertainment district. We move on Monday and we can hardly wait!
Around the same time period, a group of my coworkers approached me and said, "If you EVER need rescuing from your Dad, you are welcome to eat with us whenever ." (NDad works on another floor of the same building/company as me...different divisions.) During subsequent meals with my coworkers, they have made statements that assure me I am not crazy for wanting less time with my parents. The other day my coworker asked "Why is your Dad ALWAYS around you? Your parents remind me of that creepy mom from the Hotel season of American Horror story, who said her son's head smelled like lavender." So no more daily lunches at work with NDad, though not for his lack of trying. He still invites me to eat with him every day, and every day I decline.
My husband and I want to take a temporary period of NC with my NParents after we move out. I don't want to go entirely NC yet because I have never tried taking extreme measures such as this to let them know their behavior towards me is unacceptable. I have exploded in rage a few times when they have insulted me or violated my boundaries, and sometimes this works for a little while, then after a period of putting on a nice face and keeping their condescending thoughts to themselves for awhile to stay on my good side, they go right back to their behaviors. I want to see if taking more extreme measures will help (probably not, but at least then I will have confirmation that not even losing their relationship with their kids will be enough to change them.)
Nevertheless, I find myself feeling guilty because part of me still sees them as these two sad, lonely people that are completely alone in the world and don't know how to fit into it, instead of two adults who made a deliberate, consciuos choice to never do the self-work they needed in order to remarry or make friends, or make any effort to find meaning for their lives after they got divorced (and later on, after my sisters and I grew up and moved away.)
A few people on here have made themselves reminder lists for times when they feel guilty about being VLC or NC with their Nparents. I think I need to make one too to combat this guilt I'm feeling towards my parents...
-
When NParents divorced, my NDad refused to give my mother child support, and would not pay the mortgage on the house my sister and I lived in with my NMom because she cheated on him and was feeling spiteful. We lost the house, and the only reason we didn't end up homeless is because my NMom's friend loaned her some money to move.
-
NMom, rather than fight for child support, let him have his way. She told me when I was an adult that it was because her pride would not permit her to accept money from him when he'd been so abusive. I could understand that sentiment if there had been no kids involved in the divorce, because my NDad is very verbally/emotionally abusive, but in this case, all I can conclude is that her pride mattered more than her (then) young children. Which brings me to my next point...
-
Not too long ago, because NMom is close to retirement age, she recieved her SS statement in the mail and left it open on the counter one day. For four years after my NMom's divorce, her reported income was only $10K. Suddenly it made sense why I spent the ages of 9-10 with flea bites all over my ankles from fleas in the carpet, and waking up to cockroaches scurrying off my bed, and out of the refrigerator when I'd go downstairs to look for food that wasn't there. I would often come home from school and have nothing but milk to drink in the refrigerator. I'm pretty FUCKING sure the poverty level for a family of three in 1997-2001 was WAY HIGHER than $10K, and my NMom refused welfare on the grounds that it was a handout. I also never ate lunch at school because at 8 my NParents decided I was old enough to make my own lunch for school, and that if I was hungry at school it was because "I needed to be better about making my lunch before school/after school for the next day." PHYSICAL/ENVIRONMENTAL NEGLECT. I have hypoglycemia as an adult because I never got enough food as a kid.
-
NMom made me take naked pictures of her for her boyfriend when I was 10 (she never said as much, but I sure as fuck don't believe it was because she was gonna be sentimental for her 45 year-old body someday like she claimed.)
-
NMom used to sit me down for hours and tell me all about her adult grievances, including all the ways her own NParents failed her and how hard it was to be a parent as a teenager to a young kid with no guidance. To make matters worse, if she had trouble with my sisters, she would confide in me about it, which sent the added message that I was a burden for needing anything or acting like a kid. As a result, she accomplished her goal of making sure I never got pregnant as a teen, but now I'm almost 30 and still never want to have kids because of her fear mongering.
-
My entire post history on RBN.
Submitted May 14, 2016 at 08:59AM by DuchessofLilith http://ift.tt/1X8Yo4I raisedbynarcissists
No comments:
Post a Comment