Can't tell if I'm depressed, lazy, or stupid depression

Some days I forget to take the trash out. Some days I forget to put food in the dogs bowl. Some days I forget to take a bath, or do the laundry.

At first I was told I was just lazy. The phrase "You know to do it, you just don't want to" has been said to me so much that the words have lost all meaning.

Some days my brain is working in overdrive and I'm too in my head to open the refrigerator and put the creamer away. Other days I look at the creamer, the baby blue bottle with condensation running down the label, and I can't for the life of me remember what to do with it.

"You know what to do, you just don't want to do it."

Some days I feel like the whole world is too much, and I can't begin to explain how I'm feeling. How do I articulate these feelings? I feel like there's a candle in my gut, the flame is burning in my chest, but it's making me feel cold all over except where the light touches, but the heat from the light is also greasy, and it's not really light because it's pulling everything I am into it. Unless it doesn't feel that way today. That doesn't make any fucking sense. But if I just talk about it, open up, I'll feel better.

"You know what to do, you just don't want to do it"

My beast has layers. On most days, when I take my medicine and can talk about my feelings, it's a weak and shriveled thing hovering behind my left shoulder (unless it isn't). When I'm stressed, or sad, or suffering that feeling of defeat, I get another sensation. I imagine a length of cheap, plastic rope. It's bright yellow and so worn that little strands have sprouted all along it like barbed hairs. I imagine that rope tight around my neck, and how much it would hurt, and how good it would feel. It's when I feel this way that I hear Depression speaking, and where somehow, through some fluke of my brain, I'm reminded that I'm still determined to fight it, and I'm going to fucking win.

It says "You know what to do. You just don't want to do it."

Submitted May 11, 2016 at 10:33PM by downdaddy http://ift.tt/1X1ljPr depression