This is my first post here. Hello everyone. I have tried to avoid this sub for years and actually unsubscribed a while ago because it was tough to read. I've finally gotten to a place, however, where I have enough black-and-white emails that have been shared with people who can assure me that I am not "being melodramatic" or "making it all up" or "just trying to hurt her." Yes, it's my mom.
In brief: I am nearing 30 and I love my mom. I recognize that I have a lot of issues, including fluctuating feelings of moderate to severe anxiety (both social and general), constant guilt, fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, and a tendency not to trust my own thoughts/feelings or the words of others -- particularly loved ones -- that could be attributed to her behavior throughout my lifetime. But separate from this knowledge there is another truth: I love my mom. When you love someone, you want what is best for them. Although she has not followed this definition in her treatment of me or my family or her friends, I have personally spent years crafting a meaning of love that makes sense to me personally and that is it: If you love someone, you want what is best for them, even when what is best for them might be at times painful or difficult.
When I read descriptions of narcissistic behavior, or more specifically, yaknow, this, I know that they are descriptions of my mom. But I also know that she is a person. I know that she doesn't want to be miserable all the time. I know that she should have gotten help probably before I was born. I know that she doesn't realize how twisted her mind has gotten and that she often truly believes the things that she says. I know that she can not feel the love that I and my family members have for her. I have listened to her complaints and repeated stories about her parents and her feelings about her own inadequacies and the insignificant dramas of her life so many times that I also understand where this disorder comes from and why it manifested itself so profoundly in her. I know that my father thought he was helping by trying to avoid confrontations with her or by finding reasons or excuses for her behaviors and her twisted thinking.
It has taken me a long time, my entire life really, to finally recognize that although she blames me, or other family members, or acts of god, or the dog, or the refrigerator door, or whatever else for her own unhappiness, it is her unhappiness that is the underlying root of this issue. My actions or words are not the problem and I refuse to be made to feel that they are. She has abused me and I have come to terms with that. I do not excuse her behavior just because I understand the reasons behind it. Quite frankly, the state of things disgusts me. But I can not forsake a human being for something that they are not equipped to deal with, and it is my profound belief that my mother is not equipped to deal with herself. The depression and the feelings that everyone is "out to get her" and that the world is somehow "cheating her out of what she deserves" are real to her. And although it does not excuse her behavior, it does paint a gruesome portrait of what life must be like inside of her mind.
Some of my friends and family feel outrage at what she has done to me and I understand that. I appreciate it. I know that it means that they care about me and that they worry about my well-being. I have felt outrage too. I have felt angry and hurt and sad and guilty and helpless. But I don't have to because there isn't anything she can do to me anymore. I am a good person because I want to be. I will not sink into the world that her narcissistic personality disorder has created. And simultaneously, I will not condemn her to the most miserable life I can imagine for another person. Just because she has hurt me doesn't mean that she deserves to be hurt. It isn't about winning or fairness or equality. It is about the "golden rule," as a poster recently mentioned.
So what it comes down to is this: how do you reach someone who doesn't know they have a problem? How do you help someone who is incapable of feeling that they need help? How do you love and support someone who doesn't (and can't) understand what it means to be loved and supported? A quick search of this sub for the word "intervention" comes up woefully short. I understand. I don't blame anyone. Obviously it is hard when any question I can think to ask sounds like a morbidly hilarious oxymoron. Sometimes it's all you can do to escape or to cut ties and both of those things take incredible strength and bravery. Here's a bit of my fears showing their heads: I'm not on a "high horse" nor do I "think I'm better than anyone," as my mother is fond of saying, I'm just trying to live what I think is right and I need help.
TL;DR: We in this sub may have been raised by narcissists, but I believe that no one is beyond saving. I have to believe it, because I love my mom and I only want what is best for her, even if she can't want what is best for me. I would love it if some of you could share your stories or suggestions on how to help someone who can not help themselves. THANK YOU. I hope we can all stay strong and true.
Submitted July 01, 2015 at 01:00AM by cursexwords http://ift.tt/1JpOYu4 raisedbynarcissists
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